Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 26 July 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 26 July 2022 |
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Weddings and Babies
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.The Honeymooners are now having bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m.The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.Thursday at 5:00 pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.(For the group of ladies called Moms Who Care and pray for the children in school). When their meeting was cancelled one week: "There will be no Moms who care this week." -Two elderly women were fussing
Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day."I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said.
"Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick."
"What did you do?"
"I hid his teeth!"
Release Date Issues
Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5, and 6 come out before 1, 2, and 3?
In charge of the release dates, Yoda was.
Nice pigs sir
A Secret Service agent is standing at the bottom of the stairs as President Clinton is leaving Air Force One, and can't help but notice that the President has a pig under each arm.
The Agent salutes and says, "Welcome back, Mr. President. Nice pigs, sir."
Clinton smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks. I got this one for Hillary, and I got this one for Chelsea."
The Agent says, "Good trade, sir."
Two Elderly Gentlemen
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.
So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her breast..... she farted and flew out the window!"
If the US is but a shadow of i
If the US is but a shadow of its former self, does that make it A mere icon?Chuck Norris can take an arrow...
Chuck Norris can take an arrow in the knee.Ed Zachary
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.Her doctor recommended that she go and see Dr Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So she went to see him and upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said,
'OK, take off all you crose.'
So she did.
Dr Chang then said,
'Ok now, crawl reery fass to the other side of the room.'
So she did.
Dr Chang then said,
'OK' now crawl reery fass to me,'
So she did.
Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said,
'Your problem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I
ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates.'
Confused the woman asked,
'What is Ed Zachary Disease?'
Dr Chang replied,
'It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arseâ
A pregnant woman gets into a c...
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.
Alcohol warnings
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage. 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
Scary Collection 29
A ghost joke
How do undertakers speak?
Gravely!
A vampire joke
What do vampires think of blood transfusions?
Newfangled rubbish!
A ghost joke
What did the polite ghost say to her son?
Don't spook until your spooken to!
A ghost joke
What do ghosts eat for dinner?
Ghoulash!
A cannibal joke
What happened if you upset a cannibal?
You get into hot water!
A cannibal joke
Why don't cannibals like to eat Carl Lewis?
He gives them runs!
A ghost joke
What do ghouls do when they're in hospital?
They talk about their apparitions!
A teacher at a polytechnic col...
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam."Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand".
Vacation
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
A lawyer is standing in a long...
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"