Jokes of the day for Saturday, 27 August 2022

Flying Her Broom

A witch was flying her broom along when she noticed that all the other witches were flying on vacuum cleaners.
She thought, "Am I the only one still driving a stick?"

George's Relationship with God

George, who was 70-years-old, went for his annual physical. All of his test results came back normal. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and me are real tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF the light goes on when I pee, and then POOF the light goes off when I'm done.""Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, POOF the light goes on in the bathroom, and then POOF it goes off when he's done?"Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"-

If you overcook the lettuce-wr

If you overcook the lettuce-wrapped mutton, I'll burn ewe in a veggie.

Rhythm of the church bells...

The beautiful eighteen-year-old girl sobbed hysterically at the funeral service of her seventy-five-year-old husband. She confided in a friend, "We had such a happy marriage for the three months it lasted. Every Sunday morning he would make love to me, keeping time with the rhythm of the church bells."

She sobbed again, then added, "If that fire engine hadn't clanged by, he'd be alive today."

Irish Tradition

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it . Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we’d drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder.”

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way … ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says,

Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me … I’ve quit drinking!”

Once poor

A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened.

"Is the housewife in?" he asked. The servant replied: "Just a moment." The wife comes out: Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.

Husband: Guess what? I am rich.

Wife: How?

Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand, I got rich fast.

Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed...I got REAL rich.

Demetri Martin: Naming Foods

I think they named oranges before they named carrots. What are these? Those are orange: oranges. What about these? Oh, sh*t. Long pointies? Well go by shape now?

Chuck Norris can judge a book ...

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Bibles to Boats

A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha."
The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid responds, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
"$101,237.65."
"$101,237.65? Holy Mother Mary! What did you sell to him?"
"First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles."
"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!"
"No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'"
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady

A young gay man calls home and...

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.

She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"

He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but is from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?"

He answers, "Monica Lewinsky."

There is a long pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating last year?"

The Bible Leaf

A little boy opened the big, old family Bible with fascination. He looked at the old pages as he turned them. The Bible had belonged to his grandmother. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed between pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "I think it's Adam's suit.."...

A husband and wife were at a p...

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

10 Vampire Jokes for Halloween

Why didn't anyone want to babysit the little vampire?
A) Because he was a pain in the neck.

What is Dracula's favorite place in New York City?
A) The Vampire State Building

What did the little vampire say when he went to bed?
A) Turn on the dark, I am afraid of the light.

What did the vampire say to his victim?
A) It's been nice gnawing you.

Why do little vampires look forward to school lunches?
A) Because they know they won't get stake.

Who did Dracula take out on a date?
A) His ghoul friend

What do vampires fear the most?
A) Tooth decay

How do you join Dracula's fan club?
A) Send your name, address, and blood type.

What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A) Nectarines

What's a vampire's favorite animal?
A) A giraffe

Who is the poorest guy in t...

Q: Who is the poorest guy in the south?
A: The Tooth Fairy.

Moving Testimony

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"