Jokes of the day for Thursday, 08 September 2022
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 08 September 2022 |
I hate math. I'm an r
I hate math. I'm an anti-summite.Didn't See It Coming
Judy: Billy got fresh with me last night, so I slapped his face. But I was sorry just as soon as I did it.
Trudy: Because you care about him?
Judy: No, because he was chewing tobacco.
Dad, What is sex?
An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father is somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question.
But, he reckons if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely she's old enough for a straight answer.
So, the father proceeds to tell his young daughter all about the "birds and the bees."
After a brief explanation, the little girl appears wide-eyed in disbelief. "By the way, dear, why do you ask?" the father asks.
The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
Once a grizzly bear threatened...
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.Arj Barker: Friends With Kids
I only have, like, three really good friends, and they get worse every year. And its gotten to the point where I think theyd rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me. Im like, Alright, but really, wheres the loyalty, man? Ive known you for 25 years. How long have you known your baby -- like a month? Alright, Judas, whatever.Terrorize Telemarketer
Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer
- Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
- Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
- Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
- After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
- Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
- If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
- If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
- Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
- If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
- When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
Borrowed the Car
After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, “I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.”
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, “Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?”
Beer Machismo
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."The bartender gave him the drink.
Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser."
The bartender proceeds with the order.
The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."
The bartender gives him an Amstel.
Then the Guinness President says, "I'll have a coke please."
The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.
All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"
He replied, "Well if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I."
Watch For Fallen Rocks
Driving down a remote road, a motorist sees a sign that says: "Watch For Fallen Rocks."
A couple of miles of careful driving later, he spots some pebbles and stops to pick a few up. Arriving in the next town, the motorist carries the stones into the highway maintenance office.
Placing them on the counter, he says to an official: "Here are your fallen rocks. Now where's my watch?"
Drunk test
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
Sir Ken Dodd’s greatest jokes
I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
Tonight when you get home, put a handful of ice cubes down your wife's nightie and say: 'There's the chest freezer you always wanted'.
Age doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?'
I've seen a topl*ss lady ventriloquist. Nobody has ever seen her lips move.
The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.
My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson'.
Author, Comedy legend Sir Ken Dodd has died 11 March 2018, at age of 90.