Jokes of the day for Thursday, 29 September 2022

The Conscientious Ransomer

I got attacked by ransomware and was asked for money...
I sent them my pay stub...
Not only did they immediately remove the malware from my system, but they also put some money into my account.

Bad Day of Golf

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

Six Feet

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna notice you here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, four... By gosh, you're right, dear!"    

For those trying to give up sa...

For those trying to give up salty snacks for Lent, I say beer nut afraid.

National Geographic

Ole and Lena are 69-ing when Ole says, "Lena, did you know there are 117,000 musk ox in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No, I didn't."

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No, I didn't. Gee, you're smart."

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are more than 2 million caribou living in Alaska?"

"No," says Lena, wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play.

"How did you get so smart?"

Ole says, "Remember last night when we ran out of toilet paper and had to use the pages out of magazines?"

"Yes, I remember," says Lena.

"Well, you still have page 63 of National Geographic stuck to your ass."

Skinny Dippers

Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Buckwheat

Buckwheat of the Little Rascals fame grew up, became a Muslim, and changed his name. He now goes by Kareem of Wheat.

Daniel Tosh: Only One Tattoo

I think if youre gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, Im dumb. Thats it. That way in 10 years, when you go, Why did I get this?, you can be like, Oh, Im dumb!

Jimmy Dore: Growing Up in a Big Family

They go, Well, you learn a lot about life growing up in a big family, dont you? Yeah, I learned that Im replaceable.

A True Story

A young man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is at the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to swing when he hears, 'Ribbit. 9- Iron'.
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. 'Ribbit. 9-Iron.' He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked!
He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?' The frog replies 'Ribbit. Lucky frog.'
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
'What do you think frog?' the man asks. 'Ribbit. 3-wood.' The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, 'OK where to next?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit. Las Vegas.'
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now what?' The frog says, 'Ribbit. Roulette.'
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, 'What do you think I should bet?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit. $3000,black 6.' Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the young man figures what the heck. Boom - tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've helped me to win all this money and I am forever grateful.'
The frog replies, 'Ribbit, Kiss Me.' He figures, Why not?
After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay.
With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 28-year-old young woman.
........... 'And that, sir, is exactly how your wife ended up in my room.'

8 short jokes for good start of the week

We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the ...
Minneapolis?

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers ...
The Times are rough

Sink or swim?
Sod it, I'm going in the pool. The dishes can wait!

My friend asked me to name two things that hold water.
"Well, Dam."

I think it is a good idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit
But that's just my two scents

So this kid comes home from school in panic and says Dad, they are all picking on me…are we pyromaniacs?
The dad looks down sadly and says. We arson.

4 asked 5 out but got rejected ...
Cause it was 2 squared.

My wife told me to stop counting.
But I didn't one two.

A guy goes to the psychiatrist...

A guy goes to the psychiatrist.
"Doctor," says the guy, "I feel as if I'm two different people! Two totally different personalities!"
"Do you think I need help?"
"Can you help me?"
"Am I doing the right thing seeing a psychiatrist?"
"Whoah! Whoah! Whoah!" says the doc. "Please, one at a time."

A sister and brother are talki...

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."
The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"
The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"

Chilling with Eskimos

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on a block of ice?

A. Polaroids.

When you truly don't care

When you truly don't care when anyone thinks of you, you have reached a dangerously awesome level of freedom.