Jokes of the day for Sunday, 02 October 2022
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 02 October 2022 |
What Letter?
"What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"
"My wife put it there to remind me to take a letter to the Post Office."
"And did you mail it?"
"No, she forgot to give me the letter."
A prosthetic member for castra
A prosthetic member for castrated males: a eunuchorn.Talking clock
While proudly showing off his new fraternity house to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That's the talking clock", the man replied, with a grin. "Let me show you how it works!" And with that, he gave the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! IT'S 2 AM!"
Seeing Eye Dog
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into thethick of the traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
This morning I went to sign my
This morning I went to sign my Dog up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained to her that my Dog is a mix in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is. He expects me to feed him, provide him with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because he is a dog.So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My Dog gets his first check Friday.
This is a great country!
A 90-year-old man said to his...
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have anelderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he wasgoing out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella insteadof his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside thestream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead.What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Working late
It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way."And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."
The Umbrella
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
I joke around way too much
I can't be friends with sensitive ass people. I joke around way too much.Switched Inputs
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen.The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back, silenced. "Whaa??" the teacher blubbered.
Then I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got really upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc.
Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realised what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
Potential Employee’s Application
A Manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing a potential employee’s application and notices that the man has never worked in retail before. He says to the man, “For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage.”
“Well Sir,” the applicant replies, “the work is so much harder when you don’t know what you’re doing!"
Authorized Personnel Only
A homeless man, down on his luck, went into a Catholic church that was known for its rather “uppity” social reputation. Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked if he needed help. The man told them, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.”The ushers suggested that the man go away and pray some more and me might get a different answer.The following Sunday the man returned and the ushers again stopped him at the door. “Well, did you get a different answer?” they asked him.“Yes, I did,” said the man. “I told the Lord that you don’t want me here, but the Lord said, ‘Keep trying, son. I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and I haven’t made it yet either.”Borrowing funds for kitchenwar
Borrowing funds for kitchenware can turn you into a zombie, aka The Wokking Debt.You do not know you are dead
Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others. The same applies when you are stupid
I like a drink as much as the next man. Unless the next man is Mel Gibson.
Author:Ricky Gervais