Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 02 November 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 02 November 2022 |
Graverobbers get up to a lot o
Graverobbers get up to a lot of skulldiggery.Cookies
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral.
Mericful Mountain Lion
A priest was hiking in the woods when suddenly a mountain lion appeared, ready to devour the man whole. The priest quickly falls to his knees, looks up to the heavens and prays, "Dear God, please teach this lion mercy and give him religion." A chorus of angels is heard as a beam of light shines down on the mountain lion. The lion then drops to his knees, looks up to heavens and prays, "Dear God, bless you for this food I'm about to receive." It's Not A Stretch
As I get older, I notice that my wife and my hamstrings have a lot in common.
They're both inflexible.
Let's pretend
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.
In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married."
The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!"
The woman says, "GOOD ....get your own darn blanket!!!"
A brunette who really hated bl...
A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp. After rubbing the lamp the genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch: All the blondes in the world would get twice whatever she asked for. So the brunette thought a while and then wished for a million dollars. 'Every blonde in the world will get two million.' The brunette said that was fine and then she asked for an incredibly handsome man.
'Every blonde in the world will get two incredibly handsome men.'
The brunette said that was fine too and the genie granted her wishes. 'Now for your third wish.' said the genie.
'See that stick over there?', asked the brunette, 'I want you to beat me half to death with it.'
On Fridays
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'
'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.'
Gas Station Fill-up
There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase it's sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
Good Question!
And Moses looked upon the Lord and said:
"We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"
It was George the Mailman's l
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
A woman was found guilty in tr...
A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."
Jordan Rubin: New Cell Phone
You ever get a new cell phone and youre too lazy to transfer all the numbers over, so you just stop being friends with a bunch of people? Monster Under My Bed
Son: "Dad! Dad! There is a monster under my bed!"
Dad: "Enjoy it while you can son, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed."
Who Needs A Parachute
You do not need a parachute to go skydiving...
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
