Jokes of the day for Thursday, 05 January 2023

Puns about exploding cows? Abs

Puns about exploding cows? Absolutely tear a bull.

Waiting for the Echo

A man climbs up to the top of a mountain. He shouts "I love you!" and waits for the echo.
The echo comes replies, "I have a boyfriend!"

Just Checking

A 5-year-old said grace at a family dinner one night. “Dear God, thank you for these pancakes.”When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken.He smiled and said, “I thought I’d see if he was paying attention tonight.”

Lost boots

There was a little boy in kindergarten. At the end of one cold winter day, when all the other children were leaving, the teacher found him crying, so she asked him what was wrong.

He sobbed, "I can't find my boots."

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots. "Are these yours?"

"No, they're not mine," said the little boy, shaking his head.

The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.

Finally, the teacher gave up, "Are you SURE those boots are not yours?"

"I'm sure," the boy sobbed, "mine had snow on them."

A magician was working on a cr...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?

A Prayer Upon Waking

Dear God, so far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I'm really glad of that!
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help.
Thank you! Amen.

A mother and her young inquisi...

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."

Superman wears Chuck Norris pa...

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

window seat

A blonde is going to London on a plane; how can you steal his window seat?

Tell him all seats going to London are in the middle row.

Static electricity

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

President Obama and David Cameron...

President Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
President Obama goes first: "What will the USA be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout. He reads it out: "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries."
David Cameron thinks, "It's not bad time machine, I'll have a bit of that." So he asks: "What will Britain be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.
But he just stares at it.
"Come on David," says Obama, "Tell us what it says."
"I can't! It's all in Arabic!"

Old Mrs. Pierpoint

Worried that they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son, "Tony, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Pierpoint is?"

A few minutes later, Tony returned.

"Well, is she all right?" asked the mother.

"She's fine, but she's rather annoyed with you," remarked Tony.

"At me?" the mother exclaimed. "Whatever for?"

Tony replied, "Mrs. Pierpoint said it's none of your business how old she is."

After a particularly poor game...

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their aged pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

Sue reports for jury duty as o...

Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudice.
"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."
"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."