Jokes of the day for Monday, 09 January 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 09 January 2023 |
What Do You Get When ...
What do you get when you cross a Buddhist and a Druid? Someone who worships the tree that is not there. I'm inspired by Spring w
I'm inspired by Spring weather. It can be quite thaw-provoking.Drunk in court
A drunk man was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunk immediately responded, "Thank you, your Honor, I'll have a Scotch and soda."
A blonde was hard up for money...
A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job. She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left.
He walked into his house, laughing. He told his brunette wife what he had done. "Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You're so mean." his wife replied. Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.
The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
"It takes time, but it was easy." was her reply. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."
A family took their frail, eld...
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her,hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her,fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."
The Interview
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. Theinterviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can
you tell us your age, please?'
The blonde counts
carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before
replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!'
The interviewer tries
another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you
tell us your height, please?'
The young lady stands up
and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then
traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top
of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five
foot two!'
This isn't looking good so the interviewer
goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our
records, your name please?'
The blonde bobs her head
from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing
something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!'
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so
he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your
counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the
measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you
doing when we asked you your name?'
'Ohh that!',
replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy
birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''
The Pope vs. Moishe
About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.
The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
A man calls home to his wife a...
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting. Would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife that she is, she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.
He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replied, "I did, they were in your tackle box."
April Fool's Day - Install the Blue Screen...
Install the Blue Screen of Death screen-saver on someone’s computer. On Your Marks
Two n*dists were discussing politics.
One says, “Have you read Marx?”
The other nods, “It’s these blasted wicker chairs."
Scary Collection 07
A witch jokeWhy did the stupid witch keep her clothes in the fridge?
She liked to have something cool to slip into in the evenings!
A cannibal joke
What happened when the cannibals ate a comedian?
They had a feast of fun!
A ghost joke
What do you call a ghost's mother and father?
Transparents!
A vampire joke
Who plays centre forward for the vampire football team?
The ghoulscorer!
A witch joke
Why did the witch give up fortune telling?
There was no future in it!
A Halloween joke
Why was everyone tickled by the fried chicken at the Halloween party?
Because the feathers were still on the chicken!
A witch joke
What did the doctor say to the witch in hospital?
With any luck you'll soon be well enough to get up for a spell!
Two Women at the Pearly Gates
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.Woman #1: I froze to death.
Woman #2: How horrible!
Woman #1: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
Woman #2: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
Woman #1: So what happened?
Woman #2: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
Woman #1: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
The teacher of the earth scien...
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."