Jokes of the day for Saturday, 21 January 2023

People in India are always bei

People in India are always being type-caste.

Pew Duty

The custodian of a church quit, and the pastor of the church asked the organist if she would be able also to clean the church sanctuary.The organist thought before replying,” Do you mean that I know have to mind my keys and pews?”

Staying Flexible

I said to the gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
She said, “How flexible are you?”
I replied, “I'm pretty flexible, but I can’t make Tuesdays.”

The magician and the parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

A man wakes up one morning to...

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

A Great Salesman

A man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The horse died.”
Donald replied, “Well, then just give me back my money.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Donald said, “Ok, then just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Donald said, “Sure I can! Watch me.
A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars apiece and made a profit of $2495.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his five dollars.”
Donald is moving into the White House later this month.

Church Sign Chuckles

Some favorite messages spotted on church signs or billboards, submitted by Beliefnet members:
-Fire Insurance Inside
-This Church Is Prayer Conditioned
-God Answers Knee Mail
-PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush!
-Sign broken, come inside for message
-This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R!
-Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme
-Wal-Mart's not the only savings place
-The best position is on your knees!

More Hilarious Al Gore Quotes And Blunders

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."
-- Vice President Al Gore

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"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Al Gore

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"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996

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"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-- Vice President Al Gore

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"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Al Gore

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"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Al Gore

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"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Al Gore

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"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Al Gore
(Ed note. Hmmmm, anyone in particular come to mind?)

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"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Al Gore

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"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."
-- Vice President Al Gore

JB Smoove: Sound System

I did a club one night -- the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.

Mother Teresa's Heavenly Experience

When Mother Teresa died and went to heaven, God greeted her at the Pearly Gates.
"Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.
So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.
The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal.
Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer.
Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..."
God sighed. "Let's be honest Terry," he said, "For just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."

Halloween, Thanksgiving and other Fall Jokes for kids

Halloween Jokes
1. Why did the cows turn into werewolves?
- It was a full moooooon.

2. Where do ghosts go on vacation?
- The boo-hamas.

3. What kind of monster loves disco?
- The boogieman.

4. How do you know a vampire has a cold?
- He starts coffin.

5. What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
- A hot dog.

6. Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
- You can see right through them.
Find more about Haloween on Haloween Jokes

Halloween Knock-Knock Jokes
1. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Jack.
- Jack who?
- Jack o’lantern.

2. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Ivan.
- Ivan who?
- Ivan to suck your blood.

3. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Witches.
- Witches who?
- Witches the best way out of this neighborhood?
Knock-Knock and other Haloween Jokes can be found on page Haloween Jokes

Pumpkin Jokes
1. How did the little pumpkins cross the road?
- With the help of a crossing gourd.

2. How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
- With a pumpkin patch.

3. How does the pumpkin listen to music?
- On vine-yl.

4. What do you call a pumpkin that works at the beach?
- A life gourd.

5. Where do pumpkins hold business meetings?
- In the gourd-room.

6. What happens if you eat too much pumpkin pie?
- You get autumn-y ache.
Pumpkins are importan part of many Haloween Jokes

Fall Jokes
1. What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
- Straw-berries.

2. What did the scarecrow say when he lost all his stuffing?
- That was the last straw!

3. What is the cutest of seasons?
- Awww-tumn.

4. What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
- Squash.

5. Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
- To make up for his miserable summer.

6. Why are dads so good at fall puns?
- Because they’re so corny.

Thanksgiving Knock-Knock Jokes
1. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Annie.
- Annie who?
- Annie-body want some pie?

2. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Arthur.
- Arthur who?
- Arthur any leftovers?

3. Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Pie.
- Pie who?
- Pie love you.

Knock-Knock and other Thanksgiving jokes on Thanksgiving Jokes

Thanksgiving Jokes
1. Why did the gravy get sent to bed early?
- For acting saucy at the table.

2. Why did the turkey get ejected from the basketball game?
- He committed a fowl.

3. Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving band perform?
- Somebody ate the drumsticks.

4. What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?
- Yammies.

5. What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving?
- The tur-key.

6. What is the most mythical vegetable?
- A uni-corn.

Find more jokes about Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving Jokes

Apple Jokes
1. Why did the apple stop in the middle of the road?
- It ran out of juice.

2. Why did the apple pie cross the road?
- It saw a fork up ahead.

3. Why did the apple join the circus?
- He loved the apple-ause.

4. Why did the apple pie cry?
- Its peelings were hurt.

5. What did the apple tree say to the hungry caterpillar?
- “Leaf me alone!”

6. Why is it hard to work at the apple pie factory?
- They have such a high turnover rate.

Praying for a Parking Space

A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”
Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.
The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”

Labor Distraction

When my wife was in labor, I would tell her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused.
It must have been the delivery.

All of his life Len from Cape...

All of his life Len from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!
Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake, like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked Len straight in the eyes, and said, "Because, you idiot, your father, grandfather and great grandfather was born in January, you were born in July."

Wishful thinking

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"