Jokes of the day for Sunday, 12 February 2023
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 12 February 2023 |
Kung fu actor Bruce E.
Kung fu actor Bruce E.Z. Lee couldn't take a punch.A Break-Up
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) "I can't see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!"
Trainer: "It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up."
Moses Negotiates the Commandments
The Hebrew people were sitting around Mt. Sinai. You could hear only a subdued murmur among them, but you could feel the tension in the air.For hours now, Moses had been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds wafting around its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling down. In spite of the warm weather, this caused a shudder among the waiting mass.The end of day was approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly a figure came through the clouds and walked down the steep mountainside carrying a heavy load. It was Moses.Moses set down his load and raised his hands."Friends," he said. "Friends, it was hard work and I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him. I used every possible argument, every trick I could think of—and I think I was successful. The good news is: I brought him down from 15 to 10. The bad news is: Adultery is still in."What kind of car was he driving?
A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadnt gotten the license number. What kind of car was he driving? the husband asked.
I dont know, she said. I never can tell one car from another.
At that, the man decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.
It worked.
About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. Darling, she said. I hit a Buick!
The old hotdog trick
We've all seen him, the party drunk/asshole. He has too much to drink, makes an ass out of himself, barfs all over the rug, then passes out on your bed.We had a guy on the boat (I'm in the USN sub force) who would get so drunk when we pulled into a liberty port the asshole had to be carried back and dumped in his rack. We didn't want the MP's to snag him because that makes the boat look bad and our dickhead CO might have secured everyone's liberty.
To take care of this once and for all, we brought him back one night, out cold of course, and placed him in his rack on his side with his ass pointing to us. One person pulled down is pants and underwear while another person ran to the freezer and Doc's office. The second person came back with a frozen hotdog and a condom.
Here is how you do this little stunt:
1. Unwrap the condom and place it over the frozen hotdog. A lubricated one works best.
2. Shove the device up the guys ass and leave it there for a second or two. The condensation from the hotdog will allow it to be removed from the condom while leaving the rubber in the asshole.
3. Pull the victims pants up and leave them unbuttoned and unbuckled.
(OPTIONAL)
The less people involved the better. When our victim woke up and went to the head we all had to leave to keep from cracking up. When he was done with his shit, shower, and shave, he came to the mess decks for chow. He sat next to a friend of mine who was involved with the shen and asked, "Hey man, what happened last night?"
"I was going to ask you the same thing. You started drinking with some dork from a skimmer and the next thing we knew you guys were off to the bars out in town. Why?"
He had a mortified look on his face.
"Uhh, just wondering."
He never got trashed again while on that deployment.
All of his life Len from Cape...
All of his life Len from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.So when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!
Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake, like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked Len straight in the eyes, and said, "Because, you idiot, your father, grandfather and great grandfather was born in January, you were born in July."
How Many Wives?
Two little boys were at a wedding when one leaned over to the other and asked, "How many wives can a man have?"
His friend answered, "Sixteen... four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer."
Why does the bride always wear...
Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the cooker and the fridge.The Most Interesting Word In The English Language
The Most Interesting Word In The English Language....When I die
'When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.'
Bob Monkhouse (1928-2003)
Picture: Rex Features
Chad Daniels: Genetic Advancements
I cant wait until they could put wings on humans. Because when they could put wings on humans, they could put wings on pigs, and when they could put wings on pigs, lots of pretty girls from college owe me sex.17 new Thanksgiving jokes for 2020
Q: What happens when cranberries get sad?
A: They turn into blueberries.
Q: Why was the soup at Thanksgiving so pricey?
A: It had 24 carrots.
Q: What kind of 'tude is appropriate at the family dinner?
A: Gratitude.
Q: Why was the turkey put in jail?
A: The police suspected fowl play.
Q: What's Frankenstein's favorite Thanksgiving dish?
A: Monster mash potatoes and grave-y.
Q: Why did Mom's turkey seasoning taste a little off last year?
A: She ran out of thyme.
Q: What did the Pilgrim wear to dinner?
A: A (har)vest.
Q: What can you call your brother who falls asleep after dinner?
A: Your napkin.
Q: What did the salad say to the butter who kept making jokes?
A: You're on a roll.
Q: What's a running turkey called?
A: Fast food.
Q: Who should you invite to your Friendsgiving?
A: Your close group of Palgrims.
Q: Why did the turkey bring a microphone to dinner?
A: He was ready for a roast.
Q:On Thanksgiving, what does Dad have in common with an exhausted baseball player?
A: They're both likely to fall asleep between plates.
Q: What's one thing that you'll have in common with a teddy bear on Thanksgiving?
A: You'll both be filled with stuffing.
Q:How can you unlock the greatest Thanksgiving experience ever?
A: By making sure to bring the tur-key.
Q: With Coronavirus being a possible concern this year, what's likely to be the most popular side dish?
A: Masked potatoes.
Q: Why were the beans accused of being jealous of the other side dishes?
A: They were so green.
Fairy tales...
When Chelsea Clinton was eight, Hillary was reading one of her favorite fairy tales.
"Mommy," asked Chelsea, "Do all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a Time...?""
"No, dearest," replied Hillary, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight...'"