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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 14 February 2023

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 14 February 2023

The Thoughtful Waiter

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yells the customer. "What's with your hand on my steak?"
"Sorry," answers the waiter, "I don’t want it to fall on the floor again."

#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

How can you tell if a little p

How can you tell if a little person is blind?
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

SLIDESHOW #14 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Pee in the pool....

Little Johnny was approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," insisted Little Johnny.

"That may be," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 03 March 2017
  • Currently 6.89/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (19)

How much?

A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her

"Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?"

Without skipping a beat she screams

"Yes!"

The man then asks

"What about for $20?"

She looks at him sideways and says

"What do you think I am, a whore?"

The man says

"We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 June 2016
  • Currently 7.04/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (23)

You have to stay in shape...

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 now and... we have no idea where she is.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 14 February 2017
  • Currently 8.83/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (35)

Laura Kightlinger: Holidays for the Lonely

It goes: Christmas, New Years Eve and Valentines Day. Is that fair to anyone whos alone? Those are all days when you gotta be with someone. And if you didnt get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Years -- boom! theres Valentines Day for you. I think there should be just one more holiday after Valentines Day, just for the stragglers -- and it should be called, Who Could Love You?
#joke #christmas #newyear
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 14 February 2012
  • Currently 4.53/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (32)

Procrastination

My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Just wait."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 14 February 2009
  • Currently 6.79/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (29)

University Courses For Men And Women


Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue


Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combatting Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. Resistance to Beer
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")
9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You, The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons To Give Flowers
15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat
18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies
19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary
28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue


Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag
2. You Can Change The Oil Too
4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
14. You, The Whining Sex
15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
17. How To Close The Garage Door
18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack
27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

#joke #christmas #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 14 February 2010
  • Currently 6.32/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (22)

A man was checking his itemise...

A man was checking his itemised lawyers bill. One item read: -
Spotted you across the street. Crossed over to discuss a legal point in your case. When I got there it was not you after all. 20 dollars
#joke #short #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 08 September 2015
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

At NC State University, the...

At NC State University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.

They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time. However, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Raleigh until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to return Sunday to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldnÂ’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: For 95 points: Which tire?

#joke #monday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 11 December 2009
  • Currently 6.85/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (53)

The royal family mov...

“The royal family moved into my neighborhood. They live Tudors down.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 June 2016
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

One man said to the other...

One man said to the other, "You know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 29 November 2010
  • Currently 8.16/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (43)

A new soldier was on sentry du...

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear - no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 27 January 2017
  • Currently 8.34/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (41)

I'm Working

Just seen a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
He said: “Working from home.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 19 April 2020
  • Currently 7.87/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (15)

The robbery

Two friends, Jim and Paul are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.

While this is going on, Jim slips something into Paul's hand. Without looking down, Paul whispers, "What is this?"

Jim replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 21 December 2008
  • Currently 8.20/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (10)

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