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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 16 March 2023

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 16 March 2023

You have 10

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says: "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man: "How long have I got?"

"You have 10," the doctor says sadly.

"What do you mean, 10?" the man asks: "10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine, eight...."

#joke #doctor
  • Currently 9.18/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (17)

A Golfer's Deal With the Devil

A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, "I would give anything for a birdie on this hole." A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the hole and whispered, "If you give up one quarter of your sex life, I guarantee you will make this shot."The golfer said "OK." He made the shot for birdie.A few holes later, he was having trouble on another hole. "Please, let me make this for eagle" he said.Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, "If you give up another quarter of your sex life, you will make eagle.""You're on," the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle.On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win. The stranger again stepped up and said "If you give up the last half of your sex life, you will make eagle to win.""OK," the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round.As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, "I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, "Nice to meet you, my name is Father O'Malley!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 07 November 2022
  • Currently 9.52/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (29)

SLIDESHOW #4 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Visions Of The Future

A man went to the doctor and said: “Doctor, I keep having visions of the future.”
“When did these start?”
“Next Thursday.”

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 23 March 2019
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

Goat for dinner....

This young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their young son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 02 April 2017
  • Currently 8.83/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (12)

The atheist turkey didn'

The atheist turkey didn't believe in gobble.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 March 2015
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Not tonight, Adam

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"
The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and led her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord. That was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is 'caress'?"
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss!"
And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 March 2009
  • Currently 5.88/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (51)

 Mexican Genie

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned.
The Genie says,"Hello Master,I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."
The Genie grants him his wish.
When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila. Then smells the liquid...smells like tequila. So he takes a taste, and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.
Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"
Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."
ARRIBA!!!!!!! ARRIBA!!!!!!!!
#joke #friday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 16 March 2019
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (50)

Kurt Metzger: Liposuction

I saw liposuction. You ever see how they do that? Its, like, violent. They get the hose -- it looks like theyre mad at how fat you are.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 16 March 2010
  • Currently 4.91/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (43)

Greg Giraldo: High Self-Esteem

If everyone grows up with high self-esteem, whos gonna dance in our strip clubs?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 16 March 2011
  • Currently 4.76/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (42)

A man was walking in the stree...

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked... "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 16 March 2010
  • Currently 6.83/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (41)

Beethoven's Ninth

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra.

About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 11 December 2016
  • Currently 6.31/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (16)

A frustrated wife buys a pair...

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt, and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...
Enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank f*** for that. I thought you were sitting on the cat."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 16 January 2016
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Sleeves on fire

I recently found myself in what could be considered one of the most foolish situations of my life. I went out to light my cigarette, It was a cold Fall day, so I was wearing one of my worn-out hoodies. As I attempted to light the cigarette using a torch lighter, I caught the hoodie's sleeve on fire.

Initially, I didn't realize what had happened, but when I noticed the flames spreading, panic set in. My instinctive reaction was to try and extinguish the fire by using my other hand. Which, unfortunately, led to the second sleeve catching fire as well. At this point, I found myself with both sleeves ablaze and the fire starting to spread.

While there may have been several rational solutions, I was too lost in the moment to consider them. The thought of removing the hoodie crossed my mind, but with both my arms in flames, it seemed impossible. So, I opted for a rather foolish tactic of flailing around desperately in an attempt to put out the fire, which only just made it worse.

In a panic, I rushed into the nearest building for assistance, which happened to be the bank where I had recently deposited some funds. I entered, hoping to find help, but before I could say a word, security guards forcefully tackled me to the ground and threw me out of the building.

Because you can't bring firearms into a bank.

Credit: FireWater107 reddit user, from Dad Jokes subreddit

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

A man and his wife received a...

A man and his wife received a letter from their daughter who went to study overseas:
My beloved Parents, I miss you so much. I don’t know when I’m coming home, but it seems not anytime soon. It breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back you’ll be too old. So enclosed you will find a bottle of a potion I have invented. It will make you young, so when I return you’ll be the same age as I left you.
NOTE: “Please take only one drop”
So they opened the envelope and in it there is a bottle with a red potion. The husband looks at the wife and says: “You go first.”
So the wife opens the bottle and takes a drop, there after the husband follows. Indeed they do turn 5 years younger.
Years later the daughter returns home to find her mother young and beautiful, carrying a baby on her back.
The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how the potion worked and made her look young.
The daughter is delighted and asks about her father.
“Your father? Hmmm, my child, your father was so jealous that I was young and beautiful so he drank the whole bottle.”
“So where is he?”
“Oh, that’s him I have on my back."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 05 November 2014
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

Potential Employee’s Application

A Manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing a potential employee’s application and notices that the man has never worked in retail before. He says to the man, “For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage.”

“Well Sir,” the applicant replies, “the work is so much harder when you don’t know what you’re doing!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 22 September 2021
  • Currently 9.38/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (8)

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