Jokes of the day for Friday, 17 March 2023

Happy St Patrick's Day

"That guy was so happy that it's St Patrick's day, that he was literally bouncing off the walls!"
"Who was it?"
"Rick O'Shea."

You have 10

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says: "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man: "How long have I got?"

"You have 10," the doctor says sadly.

"What do you mean, 10?" the man asks: "10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine, eight...."

A Golfer's Deal With the Devil

A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, "I would give anything for a birdie on this hole." A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the hole and whispered, "If you give up one quarter of your sex life, I guarantee you will make this shot."The golfer said "OK." He made the shot for birdie.A few holes later, he was having trouble on another hole. "Please, let me make this for eagle" he said.Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, "If you give up another quarter of your sex life, you will make eagle.""You're on," the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle.On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win. The stranger again stepped up and said "If you give up the last half of your sex life, you will make eagle to win.""OK," the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round.As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, "I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, "Nice to meet you, my name is Father O'Malley!"

Drinking again

A guy decides to take off work early from work and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 2 a.m. By then, he is extremely drunk.

When he gets back to his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he loses his balance, falls over backwards, and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke, carving up his rear end terribly. But he was so drunk he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and, sure enough, his rear end is cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was lying under the covers trying to think up a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh!" she replied. "You were plastered last night, and you know it! Where'd you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

Safety advice from Dante? When...

Safety advice from Dante? When entering the Inferno, wear a helmet.

Final Exam

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' 

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Greg Giraldo: On Catholicism

We have a whole religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story.

Black Eyes

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

Hymns By Word Association

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing, in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."
The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..."
The pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang "There Is Power in the Blood." The Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."

Mr. Jones is driving past the...

Mr. Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While he is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.
"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use them to replace the missing ones? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something."
Mr. Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"
The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."

Tom Papa: Friends Over 30

Ask anybody over 30 -- if they tell you they have more than 10 friends, you know theyre counting co-workers.

Small child picked

'I was not a particularly small child. I was the one who always got picked to play Bethlehem in the school nativity.'

Jo Brand (July 23 1957-)

Picture: Craig Sugden

BETTER THAN EATING THE EVIDENCE

Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

"Hey Joe, he yells out - I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal out of it,...it's only an earring." Says Joe sheepishly.

"No really," probes Morris, "How long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

Insider Trading

Did you hear about the guy who made a fortune investing in apples?
Turns out he was in cider trading.

Halloween party

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring and he replies,

'I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well,' the cab driver says, 'I've always had a fantasy that a nun performs oral sex on me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that. First, you have to be single, and secondly, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,

'Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!'

The nun says, 'OK, pull into the next alley.'

He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child, why are you crying?' says the nun.

'Forgive me sister, but I have sinned,' says the cabby. 'I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.'