Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 26 April 2023

High seas

I don't like the high seas. If I ever went on a pirate ship, they would clock me in the groin, and call me ‘gland clubber!‘

17 Kangaroo jokes to celebrate Hug an Australian Day

What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits

What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”

What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo

What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper

What kind of music do kangaroos listen to?
Hip-hop

What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera

What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch

What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates

Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia

A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar...
It’s a normal day in Australia

A kangaroo is hopping around Australia

Whenever she stops, a little penguin pokes his head out of her pouch

In Antarctica, a little kangaroo is sitting with some penguins, sneezing and grumbling, “Stupid student exchange program

” A kangaroo, a dolphin, and a snake walk into a bar...
That’s all

It’s funny since none of them actually walk

Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids! 9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh...
nevermind

16 Jokes to celebrate Hug an Australian Day!

April 26th is Hug an Australian Day! Find jokes about Australia and Australians:

1.Q: Why are murders in Tasmania so hard to solve?
A: Because there are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

2.A British man is visiting Australia. The customs agent asks him, “Do you have a criminal record?” The British man replies, “I didn’t think you needed one to get into Australia anymore.”

3.Q: If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?
A: Australian!

4.Q: How many Aussies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to hold the bulb and two to turn the ladder.

5.Q: What do you call an Aussie in the finals of the World Cup?
A: The referee.

6.Q: What do you call a farting Aussie?
A: Ned Smelly

7.Q: What's the difference between Cinderella and Melbourne FC?
A: Cinderella wanted to get to the ball

8.An Aussie said, “Take away your snow capped mountains, culture, and good food, and what would New Zealand be?”
The kiwi answered, “Australia”.

9.Q: What do you call an Aussie with 100 girlfriends?
A: A farmer

10.Q: Why is Australia such a dry country?
A: We don't have a king or queen to reign on it.

11.Two Aussies are drinking together. One says, “When I die, will you promise to pour a beer on my grave?”
The other replies, “No worries mate, but I’ll have to pass it through my kidneys first.”

12.Q: Why did Tasmanians evolve to grow two heads?
A: So they can have an intelligent conversation when they visit the mainland!

13.Q: Where can someone visit for 2 hours in Melbourne.
A: St Kilda via Punt Road.

14.Q: Want to hear a joke about the construction industry in Australia?
A: Too bad, they're still working on it!

15.Q: How do you know when you're a hipster bogan?
A: When your coffee machine costs more than your washing machine.

16.Here's something you didn't know...Your taxi driver was a surgeon before arriving in Australia.

#HuganAustralianDay

International Guide Dog Day joke

April 26th is International Guide Dog Day! Celebrate it with a joke:

Blind man walks into a store
He grabs his guide dog by the tail and lifts it into the air then spins it around his head.
The store clerk, alarmed by this strange behavior said , "can I help you?"
…. "Nope, I'm just looking around."

#GuideDogDay #InternationalGuideDogDay

Lotsa Amore

Just reading that there's a small Island off the coast of Italy with 5 million Sicilian people.
That's the biggest number I've ever heard.

Southwest

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."  

A Puzzle for Darwin

On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.

The test

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company.

They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

The Playground

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."    

Chuck Norris has already been ...

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life there.

Fat free....

I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat-Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try.

I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer, which was dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.

"Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat-free."

"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes . . . the fat is free!"

Not guilty?

After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes, we have, your honor," The foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me," The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery." stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.

The man's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face turns to his attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

Rules Kids Won't Learn in School

Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase “it's not fair” 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule #1.

Rule #2. The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

Rule #3. Sorry, you won't make $50,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.

Rule #4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it.

Rule #5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Fifty Cent all weekend.

Rule #6. It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of “It's my life,” and “You're not the boss of me,” and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it or you'll sound like a baby boomer.

Rule #7. Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule #8. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.

Rule #9. Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston.

Rule #10. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Rule #11. Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now.

MEN vs WOMEN on ATM

MAN:
1) Pull up to machine
2) Wind window down
3) Insert ATM card, enter PIN
4) Retrieve cash
5) Drive away
WOMAN:
1) Pull up to machine
2) Open door (too far away from machine)
3) Search through all of the 112 compartments in handbag for ATM card
4) Do make up, apply lipstick, fix hair
5) Insert Card
6) Remove card
7) Insert card the correct way up
8) Search for piece of paper with PIN on it
9) Enter PIN
10) Enter correct PIN
11) Retrieve cash, put in bag
12) Drive off
13) Reverse back to machine
14) Retrieve card
15) Drive three miles away
16) Release hand-brake

Goddess of wisdom

Is the goddess of wisdom against all we stand for?
Yes, she’s an athena.