Jokes of the day for Sunday, 07 May 2023

When you're friends with

When you're friends with a cow, heifer buddy wins.

Best Served Cold

Justice is a dish best served cold...
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

Three in a Tornado

A Wiccan, a Christian, and an atheist are walking casually down a street, talking amongst themselves in a friendly manner when they spot a tornado headed straight for them.The Wiccan outstretches her arms to the sky and says frantically, "O Lord and Lady!"The Christian falls hard to his knees, "O Jesus help me, Jesus be with me!"The atheist turns and grabs ahold of the nearest tree, and says, "Oh nooooooo!"

Lost....

An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am I glad to see you!" he said. "I've been lost for three days."

"Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."

Black Eyes

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

Chuck Norris is not his full n...

Chuck Norris is not his full name, there's a silent "fist".

A fellow bought a new Mercedes...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Really Good Deed

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."

Traffic circle

Ditzy friend to another: "I failed the driving test. I entered the traffic circle and the sign said '30 mph' so I drove 30 times around."
The other friend responds sympathetically, "You probably counted wrong."

Dad's turn to feed the baby....

The first-time dad was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food all over the baby.

His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband, who is just staring off into space and says, "What in the world are you doing?"

He replied, "I'm just waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."

Pineapple Jokes

June 27th is nternational Pineapple Day! Find some jokes about it!

What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and an iPad?
A pineapple.

Everyone thinks I’m weird because I’m addicted to ham and pineapple sandwiches.
But that’s just Hawaii roll.

What do you call a fat pineapple?
A pineapple chunk.

The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice, a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass ...
is gonna get a punch.

A man goes to the doctor with a pineapple in his nose and bananas in his ears.
He says, "Doctor, what’s wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Isn’t it obvious? You’re not eating properly."

What is a bank card’s favourite fruit?
A PIN-apple.

Why did the strawberry go out with the pineapple?
Because he couldn’t get a date.

Why was the pineapple all alone?
Because the banana split.

My sister said that onions are the only food that can make you cry.
So I threw a pineapple in her face.

What do you get when you mix a pineapple with a snake?
Ananas-conda.

Where do you get pineapple milk from?
From its pinenipples.

A person was hit by a bus after he claimed pineapple goes with pizza.
Also, I lost my bus license today.

I once put rum and pineapple into CERN’s particle accelerator.
Discovered the Piña Collider.

#PineappleDay #InternationalPineappleDay

Kiss

At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word “KISS” scribbled on it.
A guest seated next to the speaker said, “Your wife has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you very much.” speaker replied, “You don't know my wife. The letters stand for “Keep It Short, Stupid.”

Insults

A man and his wife, who was 8 months pregnant, were doing some holiday shopping in crowded mall. They had been trading humorous insults for most of the evening, and the man decided that he was going to really get her. He announced in a loud voice, "If you don't stop insulting me, I'm not going to marry you!"

He was disappointed that only a few people around them reacted, but his wife managed to bring down the house when she responded, "That's OK, I won't tell you who the father is!"

In the Beginning…

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and then He rested.Then God created man, and then they both rested.Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has ever rested.

If someone with multiple perso...

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is that considered a hostage crisis?