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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 18 May 2023

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 18 May 2023

Empire of constipated software

Who made a fortune with his empire of constipated software?
Bilge Ates.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 1.67/10

Rating: 1.7/10 (6)

Jokes to Impress Girlfriend

What did the barista say to their crush?
I like you a latte.

If you were a phone from Apple, then you would be called iGorgeous.

Are you a parking ticket?
Because you've got fine written all over you.

You are hotter than the bottom of my laptop after I have been binge-watching Netflix.

What did one raspberry say to the other?
I love you berry much.

Is your name Wi-Fi?
Because I feel a connection.

What did the magnet say to the fridge?
You're attractive.

Can I borrow a kiss from you?
I promise you that I will give it back.

Wait! Before you cast those dreamy eyes on me, I want to get my maps and GPS ready.
Okay, go!

Knock knock.

Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you stunning!

I believe in following my dreams.
Can I have your Instagram?
Knock knock.

Who's there?
Cheese.
Cheese who?
Cheese, you're awfully cute!

My therapist and I have been trying to figure out why I seem to have lost my mind.
Then I realized that it's all your fault.
I'm crazy for you.

Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie to my diary?

What do you call two birds in love?
Tweet-hearts!

What did the calculator say to the pen?
You can always count on me!

Why did the Melons get married in a church?
Because they cantaloupe.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! Somebody call the cops because it's got to be illegal to look that good!

What did the squirrel say to its lover?
I'm nuts for you!

Now, what's on the menu?
Me-n-u

Why shouldn't you break up with a goalie?
Because they're a keeper.

What did the two prunes call their dinner plans?
A date.

Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?

Do you have a name or can I just call you mine?

They say kissing is a love language.
Do you want to start a conversation?

You must be a banana because you're very a-peeling.

I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?

Ouch! I must have scraped my knee falling for you.

Are you the sun?
Because my whole world revolves around you.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I pass by you again?

I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.

[Sneeze as you walk by them] Oh no need to bless me.
God already did by putting you in my life.

Do I know you?
Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.

Hey.
I'm an unemployed guy with a certificate in cuddling, a diploma in caring, and a degree in kissing.
Do you have a job for me?

#joke #christmas #animal #bird #fruit #apple #banana #raspberry #orange #melon #food #dinner #cheese #olive
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

Traffic Court

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."
He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write, 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."

#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (14)

Do You Reject the Devil?

A priest came to a dying author to read him his last rites."Do you reject the devil?" asked the priest."This is no time to be making enemies," replied the author.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

Boss Issues

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

I'm the Boss

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

#joke #food #lunch
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 August 2021
  • Currently 7.87/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (15)

Popping the question

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"

The silver-haired Marcie looked up to see a distinguished-looking, white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and moved over gently to give him room to sit down.

For the next two hours, the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long, happy marriages, ha lost their spouses during the previous year, and in general agreed about almost everything.

Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma'am, may I ask you two questions?"

With great interest and anticipation, Marcie replied, "Why certainly!"

The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. "Marcie, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?"

Marcie grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!" She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcie said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?"

Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 11 June 2017
  • Currently 8.12/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (17)

Google's pizza

- Hello! Gordon's pizza (Pizza Hut)?
- No sir it's Google's pizza.

- So it's a wrong number? Sorry
- No sir, Google bought it (Google bought Pizza Hut).

- OK. Take my order please
- Well sir, you want the usual?

- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizzawith cheeses, sausage, thick crust.

- OK! This is it ...
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato.?

- What? I hate vegetables.
- Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

- How do you know?
- We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscribers guide.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

- Okay, but I do not want this pizza!,I already take medicine ...
-Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.

- I bought more from another drugstore.
- It's not showing on your credit card statement

- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement

- I have have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.

-WHAT THE HELL?
- I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.

- Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me

- I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 5 weeks ago
#joke #food #tomato #cheese #pizza
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 18 May 2017
  • Currently 8.55/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (289)

Chuck Norris can drink an enti...

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 May 2011
  • Currently 2.38/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (72)

Owen Benjamin: Public Restrooms for Guys

Its not an enjoyable place. We get a urinal; we dont get real estate. Its a little, creepy urinal, right? Ladies, you know what it feels like in the elevator when youre in complete silence with a bunch of strangers? Now put your penis in your hand.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 May 2011
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (50)

What's white and if it fell ou...

What's white and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A fridge.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 18 May 2010
  • Currently 4.24/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (45)

What Is This?

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says:
- What is this, a joke?

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 May 2011
  • Currently 5.11/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (38)

Natasha Leggero: Boston Blackout

This girl comes up to me with this thick Boston accent and shes like, Hey, youve seriously never woke up at a party and some guy was inside you? I never woke up at a party.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 09 March 2012
  • Currently 3.73/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (44)

Benefit of the ...

My grandma always gives me the benefit of the dote.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 18 June 2020
  • Currently 1.36/10

Rating: 1.4/10 (11)

Why You So Fat?

A family is at the dinner table. The father looks at his oldest son.

"Tony! Why are you so fat?"

"Pop, it's Mama's casseroles!" Tony says.

"I can't stop eating them, it's so good."

"Tony, you should take a smaller bites."

Pop says.

Then Pop looks at his middle son.

"Fred! Why are you so fat?"

"Pop, it's a Mama's roast beef," Vinny says.

"I can't stop eating it, it's so good."

"Fred, you should take a smaller bites."

Then Pop looks at his youngest son, "John! How you stay so slim and trim?"

"It's easy, Pop," John says.

"I eat a lots and lots of pussy."

"Pussy? Pussy?"

Pop says.

"That tastes like shit!"

"Pop, you should a take smaller bites."

#joke #food #dinner #beef #eating
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 31 October 2011
  • Currently 3.97/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (76)

A sad-faced Doug walked into a...

A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning. The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary.
"And what day will that be?" the clerk asked.
Glumly he replied, "Yesterday."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 10 November 2016
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

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