Jokes of the day for Friday, 19 May 2023

Have a god Friday with short new jokes

I once went to a fancy dress party as a loaf of bread...
The birds were all over me.

I was at the doctors yesterday, and he said, "I'm afraid your results don't look too good."
"Why is that doctor?" I asked.
He said, "My printer has run out of ink!"

Did you hear about the constipated accountant...?
He couldn't budget..
So he worked it out with a pencil.

How do you get 100 math teachers into a room in which only 99 fit?
You carry the one.

A Mobius strip walks into a bar, sobbing.
The bartender asks, "What's wrong?"
The strip replies, "Where do I even begin?"

What’s blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue.

I just passed my drug test...
My dealer has some explaining to do!

What Is This?

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"

Second Opinion

A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.
Doctor: Your tonsils have to come out.
Patient: I wanna second opinion.
Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.

What a talent...

A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happened upon an old tribesman lying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.

The father of the family asked the old tribeman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, white, four-door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h.

"That's amazing!" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all that just by listening to the ground?"

"No," said the old tribesman, weakly. "They just ran over me five minutes ago!"

How do you cut a diamond? With

How do you cut a diamond? With a karat-y chop.

A woman and a baby were in the...

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the Doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed," she replied.
"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth...

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

Todd Barry: Summer School

I never understood the concept of summer school. The teachers going to go up there and go, OK, class, you know that subject you couldnt grasp in nine months? Were going to whip it out in six weeks.

Two babies lies in the birth section

Baby 1: I'm a boy.
Baby 2: prove it.
Baby 1: Not in front of the nurse.
Baby 2: Okay The nurse leaves
Baby 2: Prove it.
Baby 1: Look, blue socks...

Two very elderly men were havi...

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex.

Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"

Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"

To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!"

So the second old man rushed to the store.

The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'

"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon.

"That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked.

Leon replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"

11 new jokes for National Tell A Joke Day

On August 16th, celebrate National (US) Tell A Joke Day by doing just that — telling a joke. Find some great jokes here:

What's the difference between an Indian and an African Elephant?
One of them is an elephant

What's the difference between Iron man and Iron woman?
One is a superhero the other an instruction!

How hard is it to seduce large women?
Piece of cake

There's a new religion that worships zero
Nothing is sacred these days

Did you hear about the two guys who broke into an oversized kitchen supply store?
One of them said to the other "Be careful, we're taking a really big whisk."

Am going to see that new film about the pig without an eye.
It's rated PG.

I ordered a book on puns.
I didn't get it.

I've just come back from the doctor and I've been diagnosed with tinnitus...
I don't like the sound of that!

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, "Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has big blue hair!"

My dog ran off in the park last night.
I walked around for 30 minutes but could not find him.
The missus said I should look harder...
So I shaved my head and got a tattoo.
I still can't find him!

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.
"This is Amanda."
His dad jumps up and says, "It's a f*c*ng what?"

Top 10 Funny Summer Quotes

DespicableMeMinions.org share with her visitors best 10 funny summer quotes. This funny quotes will add humor to your conversations while you're enjoying summer.

According to a news report, a...

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night,the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.... She explained that all these lip prints were causinga major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators...

Sam consistently caught more f...

Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day, Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, they stopped the boat and the warden sat back to see how it was done. Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up. Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and threw it in the lap of the game warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining or are you going to fish?"

Jill: I just don't understand...

Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.
Mary: Tell me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!
Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?
Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"