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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 07 July 2024

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 07 July 2024

Dolphin Smarts

Dolphins are so intelligent...
That within a few weeks of captivity, they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw to them fish three times a day.

#joke #short #animal #dolphin #fish
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.69/10

Rating: 9.7/10 (16)

Dog in Heat

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."  

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 31 July 2022
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

Your chances are better...

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing.

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.

"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 06 August 2015
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (14)

Mitch Hedberg: Fore!

I never got a hole in one -- but I did hit a guy, and thats way more satisfying. Youre supposed to yell Fore, but I was too busy mumbling There aint no way thats gonna hit him.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 07 July 2011
  • Currently 5.08/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (51)

Son : Mom, when I was on the b...

Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom : Well, you have done the right thing.

Son : But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy's lap!
#joke #short #mother #mom
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 July 2009
  • Currently 5.82/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (44)

What she Really Means...

What she Really Means

I need = I want

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...

I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

I was wrong = Not as wrong as you

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 07 July 2008
  • Currently 7.46/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (41)

Lawyer Vacancy

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.

Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"

In seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.

"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 07 July 2012
  • Currently 5.92/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (39)

Kangaroo + Leap Year =

What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a calendar?

A leap year!

#joke #short #animal #kangaroo
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 07 July 2013
  • Currently 4.55/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (33)

Things to do @ Wal-Mart w...

Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:

1. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
2. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G. I. Joe's vs. the X-Men.
3. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
4. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom.
5. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
6. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
7. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
8. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
#joke #food
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 30 November 2011
  • Currently 6.07/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (15)

Home is

Home is where your WiFi connects automatically

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 08 June 2015
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

Doctor, take a look at me......

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: Well, I can tell you that there is nothing wrong with your eyesight....

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 27 June 2015
  • Currently 8.22/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (18)

Ski Buddies

Three guys go on a skiing holiday together and to save money they rented only one room. After a full day on the slopes, they return to their room, exhausted and cold.
To keep warm, they all sleep in the same bed. The next morning, the guy on one side of the bed says he had a funny dream that some one was jerking him off. The guy on the other side of the bed said that he had the same dream!
The the guy in the middle said, "I had a dream last night, too. But I only dreamt that I was skiing."  

#joke #sport #skiing
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 20 September 2015
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

Why are women like telephones?

Women are like telephones ... They love to be held. They love to be talked to. But, if you press the wrong button, you're DISCONNECTED.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 January 2016
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

Funny New Year jokes-Annual conflict

As in many homes on New Year's Day, Lesley and Mark, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the New Year's lunch.
Hoping to keep the peace Mark ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.
Some minutes later, Lesley looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Mark.
She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was.
Mark told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0
'See?' Lesley said happily, 'You didn't miss a thing.
#joke #newyear #food #lunch #drinks #beer #sport #football
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 30 December 2011
  • Currently 6.33/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (6)

New Year jokes-Optimist and Pessimist

An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.
- Bill Vaughan
#joke #short #newyear
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 31 December 2011
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (9)

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