Jokes of the day for Thursday, 28 November 2024

Giggle and Gobble

Why did the Turkey snicker alongside the stuffing?
It was an inside joke.

The Single Guy...

Man walks into a supermarket and buys :

1 bar of soap 1 toothbrush 1 tube toothpaste 1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk 1 single serving cereal 1 single serving frozen dinner

The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?" The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?" She replies "because you're ugly."

Moshe Reads an Arab Newspaper

A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.
"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

A little boy wanted $100.0...

A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. the President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read: Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95.00.

The Card Game

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"

Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did."

She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?"

Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"

Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says.

"Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

A FARMER and his wife decided ...

A FARMER and his wife decided to hold a talent show for their animals in which each contestant would recite a passage from Shakespeare. The prize would be a big marquee with a glitter ball inside. The pig performed a piece from Hamlet; the cow chose Richard III and the sheep picked MacBeth. After much deliberation the farmer and his wife picked the best entry, announcing: "Cow is the winner of our disco tent."

Waking Up for Church

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked."I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church. One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the pastor!"

I am trying to make friends ou...

I am trying to make friends outside ofFacebook while applying the same principles.
therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten,how I feel at the moment, what I have donethe night before, what I will do later and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, my dog and ofme gardening, taking things apart in the garage, wateringthe lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving aroundtown, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does everyday.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up"and tell them I like them.
And it works just like Facebook! I already have fourpeople following me:
Two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.

Rabbit walks into a bar and few more funny jokes

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walks into a bar.
The rabbit says, "I think I might be a typo!"

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with tennis."
I replied, "That's 15 love"

"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy. "Why not, son?"
"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day.
Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?" "Because our English teacher died yesterday!"

Why pigs dressed in black never get killed?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.

My loopy neighbour has invited me to her cats birthday party on Saturday...
Is she crazy? She knows my dog is getting married that day!

Quitting Drugs

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
o O
...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
O o

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."

A police officer responded to...

A police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.
The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the officer and the "Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World."
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist too, probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the officer continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.
"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the officer asked.
The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the officer, "you're under arrest."

Britney and Christina Work Together

Britney Spears and Christina Aguliera were building a barn. While putting up the inside wall, Britney noticed that Christina was tossing every other nail into the garbage can.

Britney asked Christina, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Christina said, "The pointed end is on the wrong end of the nail."

Britney said, "Well, don't throw those away, we can use those on the outside wall!"

Hump Day Humor: Fresh Jokes to Get You Over the Week

Sometimes I wake up grumpy…
But other times I let her sleep in!

What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.

I have 6 legs, 4 arms and a 3 heads. What am i?
A liar.

Bruce Lee had a vegan brother.
Broco Lee.

I have been teaching my dog to fetch tools from my workshop…
He's not perfect, but he knows the drill!

When I turned 18, I went down to the courthouse to petition to change my name.
The clerk asked me why. "Just look at my application," I said. "If you were named Oskar Von Wootengootenbootenshoot, wouldn't you want something different?"
The clerk said, "I suppose you've got a point."
I said, "Yeah, I don't like Oskar, either."

Such an unusual name, "Latrine." How did your family come by it?
We changed it in the 9th century.
You mean you changed it TO 'Latrine?'
Yeah. Used to be 'Shithouse.'

If the Magi Were Women...

You know what would have happened if there had been three wise WOMEN instead of three wise MEN, don’t you?The three wise WOMEN would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the Baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and given practical gifts.

I was out walking with my 4 ye...

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.