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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 18 December 2024

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 18 December 2024

Five Miles

My doctor was giving me a hard time about my health. To get back on his good side I bought a puppy and named him 'Five Miles'.
That way, when I went to see my doctor I could tell him, "I walk five miles every morning!"

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 December 2019
  • Currently 8.40/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (20)

The Reverend and the golf game

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

#joke #sport #golf #father
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 January 2016
  • Currently 9.18/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (50)

Why did the blonde tip-toe ...

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet.....

so she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 18 December 2009
  • Currently 5.14/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (66)

"Brokeback Mountain" is not ju...

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 18 December 2011
  • Currently 2.36/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (67)

Laura Kightlinger: Christmas Sadness

My grandmother, she passed away at Christmas time. So now, I have this built in sadness, you know, every holiday. Cause Im plagued with the thought of, you know, what she would have given me. What didnt I get to open this year?
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 18 December 2011
  • Currently 3.34/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (61)

An elderly couple is vacationi...

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over. "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again. "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"

Bessie looks up and down and says, "Sam, what's different? It was hanging down yesterday, it's hanging down today and it will be hanging down tomorrow!"

Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why its hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"

Bessie replies, "Should'a bought a hat, Sam!"
#joke #cowboy
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 December 2010
  • Currently 8.26/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (57)

Give him an orange

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."

#joke #lawyer #fruit #orange #drinks #juice
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 December 2010
  • Currently 3.45/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (44)

A nun and a huge man were stan...

A nun and a huge man were standing in an elevator. Being the nice person that she was, she looked over at him, smiled, and said "T.G.I.F." He looked back at her and said "S.H.I.T." The nun was shocked. She turned to the man and said "There was no need to be rude, all I said was "Thank God It's Friday." The man looked back at her and said, "Well you must have misunderstood me because all I said was Sorry Honey, it's Thursday."
#joke #friday #food #honey
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 04 September 2008
  • Currently 7.85/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (20)

Bee that lives in America

What do you call a bee that lives in America?

A USB.

Author:PM_ME_UR_VULVASAUR_
#joke #short #animal #bee
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 20 March 2018
  • Currently 6.43/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (14)

Would you like to dance?

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 November 2015
  • Currently 8.86/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (28)

What would you like for your birthday....

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

#joke #short #food #dinner #divorce
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 24 May 2014
  • Currently 8.10/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (10)

Chinese Language Day Jokes

Today is Chinese Language Day! Find jokes about it!

Q: Why is learning Chinese a piece of cake?
A: Because you can always find a "take-out" option!!"

Q: Why did the Chinese language student always carry chopsticks?
A: They wanted to make sure they could always "pick up" new words!

Q: How do Chinese language learners stay warm during winter?
A: They keep themselves wrapped up in Chinese "characters"!

Q: Why did the Chinese language student become a great cook?
A: Because they mastered the art of "stir-frying" words and phrases!

#chineselanguageday

#joke #food #cake
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 20 April 2023
  • Currently 1.40/10

Rating: 1.4/10 (10)

Good News, Bad News

A minister stood in front of his congregation and announced, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is that it’s still in your pockets.”
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 06 August 2018
  • Currently 7.22/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (18)

The secret of my success

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

#joke #wedding
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 16 July 2017
  • Currently 8.40/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (20)

Women need a reason to have sex

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Billy Crystal (March 14 1948-)

Picture: Getty Images

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 29 September 2015
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

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