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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 19 December 2024

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 19 December 2024

Married the Longest

At my granddaughter's wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and me. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."

#joke #wedding
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 18 October 2020
  • Currently 8.72/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (18)

A doctor and his wife...

A doctor and his wife are having an argument in the morning over breakfast and the doctor blurts out, "You know what? You're not that great in bed anyways!"

So he goes off to work and thinks it over and decides to call his wife and make amends.....

So he calls the house and the phone rings many, many times and then his wife finally answers the phone completely out of breath....

So the doctor says, "What were you doing?" and she says, "l was in bed!" and the doctor says, "What were you doing in bed so late in the day?"

The wife says, "getting a second opinion!"

#joke #doctor #food #breakfast
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 January 2016
  • Currently 9.18/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (17)

Police officer pulled this ...

Police officer pulled this guy over for speeding and told him that his eyes were bloodshot, and asked him if he'd been drinking. The guy said "Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?"

#joke #short #policeman #food #eating
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 19 December 2009
  • Currently 5.29/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (69)

Chuck Norris doesn't go on the...

Chuck Norris doesn't go on the Internet, he has every site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 19 December 2011
  • Currently 2.38/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (55)

A blonde was sitting on the tr...

A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline shouted, "12 Brazillian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news, then she turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazillian?"
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 19 December 2017
  • Currently 7.85/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (40)

Question and answer blond jokes

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?

A: They can't remember the number.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?

A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: "What's a lightbulb?"

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Q: How do you get rid of blondes?

A: Form a circle, give each blonde a gun, and tell them they are a firing squad.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10bill. Who picks it up?

A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10bill. Who picks it up?

A: None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

#joke #blonde #drinks #pepsi
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 19 December 2011
  • Currently 3.67/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (39)

Belated confession

A man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” he said. “During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," said the priest. "That's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me $20 for every week he stayed," the man explained.

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause," the priest replied.

"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind,” the man said. “I have one more question, though."

"What is that, my son?" the priest inquired.

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

#joke #father
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 19 December 2013
  • Currently 6.48/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (31)

Speed Read Recipes

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction...
I read to the end and say, "Well, that's not going to happen."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 June 2023
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

For birthday husband...

For birthday husband bought wife a bath scale, as a joke. For his birthday, she bought him a ruler.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 14 October 2015
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

@DSGermain - They say behind every strong man ...

They say behind every strong man, there’s a strong woman.
Well, behind every fuckup, there’s a best friend saying, “Go for it,...

@DSGermain

http://on.cc.com/1AHspdw

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 21 January 2015
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Irish Marriage Jokes

Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink.
He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse."
This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"
Shamrock
A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.
Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."
"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."
"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 19 November 2016
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Hospitalized Painter

Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?
His doctor says it was due to too many strokes.

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 09 February 2024
  • Currently 8.65/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (17)

Retaking exam

Four college students missed an important exam, choosing to party instead. They go together to their professor the next day, and said, "We're sorry we missed the exam. We had a flat tire on the way to class. Is there any way we could possibly take a re-test?"

"Sure," replied the professor. "Come on in tomorrow, and you can all take a retest. But remember, it's a pass or fail."

The four students arrived the next day to take the retest, and all of them sat down in their seats. Before handing them their exams, their professor told them, "I've got good news and bad news. The good part is, there's only one question on the test. The bad news is, if any of you fail, you all fail the test."

The students sat there, a bit worried from this professor's strange introduction to the exam. Then the professor handed out the four exams, and each student stared down at their papers, which contained just one simple question:

"Which tire was it?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 30 May 2023
  • Currently 9.44/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (9)

A little old lady goes into th...

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping.She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager,"but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand,"this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny,strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says,"Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"
#joke #animal #bunny
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 01 November 2016
  • Currently 7.09/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (11)

Barbie

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"
"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"Yeah, well, it's like this ... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture ..."     

#joke #sport #gym
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 21 January 2015
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

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