Jokes of the day for Friday, 09 May 2025
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 09 May 2025 |
50 funny things to do in an elevator
1. Make race car noises when people get on and off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"
4. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the accordion.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"
A guy gets on a plane and find...
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, " What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy.
"How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde.
"That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
Lost it!
A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests.
The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."
The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"
"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."
Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"
"Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Fig Leaf Found
A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.
He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago."Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out.
"What do you have there?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Phone sex
I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Are you kidding?
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Husband for sale
A store where a woman may go to choose a husband has opened in Auckland.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
“You may visit this store only once! There are six floors, and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.”
So a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 -- These Men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 --These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
“That's nice,” she thinks. “But I want more.”
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 -- These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Extremely Good Looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly stand it!”
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 -- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Fridge Jokes
June 26th is World Refrigeration Day! Find jokes about it!
What do you call an encyclopedia in the fridge?
Cold, hard facts.
What do you get if you cross a stereo and a fridge?
Very cool music.
Why is cold milk always so relaxed?
Because it chills in the fridge.
What did the ranch say to the refrigerator?
Close the door, I'm dressing.
What’s the easiest way to get a six-pack at the gym?
Take the beer from your fridge and smuggle it in.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
What is blue, white and cant climb mountains?
A fridge wearing a denim jacket.
How can you tell if there is an elephant in your fridge?
There are footprints in the butter.
Why did the man throw the contents of his fridge out of the window?
He wanted to see the butterfly.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Is your refrigerator running?
Mine too. See you at the refrigerator race tomorrow.
How come the fridge is always emotionally stable?
Because it’s always chill.
What do you call something that runs but never gets anywhere?
A fridge.
Why was the blonde sitting in the fridge?
Because the label on her juice said to refrigerate after opening.
#RefrigerationDay #WorldRefrigerationDay
I have loved. I have lost and I have changed
I have loved. I have lost and I have changed. It has been difficult but I have learned so much from it. I have learned that people can hurt you so deeply and not even worry about you. I learned that good people can change in a minute when their hearts have been broken. I've met great people, but mean people as well. But the most important thing I have learned is that every person in this world is strong enough to let go . People come and go and that’s life ! The most important thing is to stand up and realize that you deserve something better than a person that gives up on you. 
This Guy’s Got His Panhandling Strategy Sorted
Jose and Carlos are panhandlers that panhandle in different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2-3 every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills every day, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
One day, Carlos asked Jose: “I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?”
“Look at your sign, what does it say?” replies Jose.
Carlos’ sign reads: “I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.”
Jose says: “no wonder you only get $2-3.”
‘Carlos says: “So what does your sign say then?”
Jose shows Carlos his sign – it reads: “I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico”
Natural Blonde Paint
A new paint store just opened up by my place, so I decided as any red-blooded, sexually repressed young lad to pay it a visit. When I went in I saw signs all over advertising the newest color: "Natural Blonde". There weren't any samples around, so I asked the clerk to describe it to me.
He replied, "Natural Blonde? Wonderful new paint: not too bright, but spreads easily!"
Recalled Chrstimas Toys
Recalled Christmas Toys
- Broken Bag-O-Glass
- Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit
- Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook
- Timothy McVays home Chemistry set
- Switchblade Barney
- Pork-n-Beany Babies
- Make your own moonshine kit
- Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action)
