Jokes of the day for Saturday, 24 May 2025

Enter a Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, And at the appropriate point in the process. She told him that he would now need to enter a password, something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
He made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....
P... E... N.... I... S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

A New Typeface

I’m working on a new typeface to be used for church bulletins...
I call it 'Baptismal Font.'

Beer drinking 101

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training.

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass Empty
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action: See above.

Symptom: Beer tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face.
Action: Retire to the restroom and practice in the mirror.

Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through an empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with the bartender.

Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures.
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action: Cover mouth.

Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault: Your dancing on the table.
Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.

Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch him.

Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You have been in a fight.
Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action: See if they have free beer.

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The beer is too weak.
Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.

Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song.
Fault: Beer is just right.
Action: Play air guitar.

Ronald McDonald in a N*dist Colony

Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a n*dist colony?
A: Look for sesame seed buns.

Chuck Norris can cook minute r...

Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

A man and his wife were sittin...

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

The Yiddish Parrot

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home one day. He was wishing something wonderful would happen to his life when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...vus macht du...!"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it! Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer purchased the bird and carried the parrot home. All night long he talked with the parrot...in Yiddish. The parrot listened while sharing some walnuts.
The next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot wanted to pray, too. Meyer hand made a miniature yamulke for the parrot. The parrot also wanted to read Hebrew, so Meyer spent months teaching him the Torah.

On Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed, and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that a synagogue was not a place for a bird, but the parrot pleaded and was carried to the synagogue on Meyer's shoulder.
Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the rabbi. At first, the rabbi refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced him that the parrot could pray. Wagers were made on whether the parrot could speak Yiddish or not.
All eyes were on the two of them during services. The parrot was still perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed...but the parrot didn’t say a word. Annoyed, Meyer said "Pray, parrot! You can pray...do it now while everybody's looking at you!" The parrot said nothing.
After services were over, Meyer realized he owed the synagogue over four thousand dollars. He marched home, saying nothing. Finally, several blocks from the temple, the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song.
Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird...you cost me over four thousand dollars today. Why? After I taught you the morning prayers, taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And, after you begged me to bring you to a synagogue on Rosh Hashanah...Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be an idiot," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!"

A Texan farmer goes to Austral...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

The New Pastor in Town

The new associate pastor, nervous about hearing confessions asks an older priest to listen in. Several penitents later, his mentor offers a few suggestions.“Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand,” he says. “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on. I understand. How did you feel about that?”The new priest tries out the words and gestures. The old priest says, “Good, now, don’t you think that's a little better than slapping your knew and saying, ‘No way! You did what?'"

45 clean romantic Knock knock jokes

1. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you, and I can't wait to get to know you better!

2. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce go on a date and make some memories together!

3. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew you want to go out with me?

4. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Amour.
Amour who?
Amour than happy to have met you!

5. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Kiss.
Kiss who?
Kiss me if I'm wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?

6. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sugar.
Sugar who?
Sugar, I'm falling for you!

7. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Charming.
Charming who?
Charming to meet you. Can I take you out for dinner?

8. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Berry.
Berry who?
Berry nice to meet you. Can I have your number?

9. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cupid.
Cupid who?
Cupid called. He wants his arrow back because I've fallen for you!

10. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Fella.
Fella who?
Fella madly in love with you!

11. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Wanda.
Wanda who?
Wanda hang out with me this weekend?

12. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Romeo.
Romeo who?
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Just kidding, let's go out!

13. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Apple.
Apple who?
Apple-ogize for taking up your time, but can I take you out?

14. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cuddle.
Cuddle who?
Cuddle me close, and let's have a fantastic time!

15. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Prince.
Prince who?
Prince Charming has finally arrived, and he's asking you out!

16. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo, who?
Don't cry, babe, it's just me!

17. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you, and I can't wait to hold you tight!

18. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce snuggle up and watch our favorite movie together!

19. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew you know how much I love you?

20. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sweetie.
Sweetie who?
Sweetie, you make my heart skip a beat!

21. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sugar.
Sugar who?
Sugar, you're the sweetest thing in my life!

22. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Darling.
Darling who?
Darling, you light up my world!

23. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Berry.
Berry who?
Berry in love with you, my darling!

24. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cupid.
Cupid who?
Cupid struck me with love the moment I met you!

25. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Baby.
Baby who?
Baby, you complete me!

26. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Angel.
Angel who?
Angel, you're the one I've been waiting for!

27. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Juliet.
Juliet who?
Juliet, I can't stop thinking about you!

28. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Apple.
Apple who?
Apple of my eye, you're the one for me!

29. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cuddle.
Cuddle who?
Cuddle me close, my love!

30. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Princess.
Princess who?
Princess, you're the queen of my heart!

31. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce cuddle up and create a cozy paradise of love!

32. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you, and I can't wait to explore a world of adventures with you!

33. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sugar.
Sugar who?
Sugar, you're my sweet addiction, and I can't get enough of you!

34. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Baby.
Baby who?
Baby, you light up my world like nobody else!

35. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Berry.
Berry who?
Berry lucky to have you by my side, my love!

36. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cupid.
Cupid who?
Cupid shot an arrow, and it struck my heart when I met you!

37. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Mystery.
Mystery who?
Mystery deepens when I think of you, and I'm excited to uncover it together!

38. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Prince.
Prince who?
Prince Charming might be a fairy tale, but you're my real-life prince!

39. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Flirt.
Flirt who?
Flirt with me forever, and let's keep the spark alive!

40. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Angel.
Angel who?
Angel, you bring heaven into my life, and I'm grateful for every moment with you!

41. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Daisy.
Daisy who?
Daisy, you make me smile every day, and I'm so lucky to have you!

42. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Romeo.
Romeo who?
Romeo couldn't resist knocking on your heart, and I'm here to stay!

43. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Echo.
Echo who?
Echo, you've captured my heart, and your love echoes through my soul!

44. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sunshine.
Sunshine who?
Sunshine, you brighten up my world, and I'm forever grateful for you!

45. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dream.
Dream who?
Dream, you're the one I've been waiting for, and being with you is a dream come true!

I still love you

Ex: I still love you.
Me: I still love me too.

What Their Daddy's Do

A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy's do.

Little Mary went first,

“My daddy is a doctor and he saves people's lives”

“That's wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Jane

“Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is dead” says Johnny

“Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he died?”

“He turned blue and shit on the carpet”

A Very Minor Sin

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates he was asked by the gatekeeper, "Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?""Yes," the professor answered. "When I was a young candidate at the Hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against a team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now."
"Well," said the gatekeeper. "That is a very minor sin. You may enter."
"Thank you very much, Saint Peter," the professor answered.
"You're welcome, but I am not Saint Peter," said the gatekeeper. "He is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas."

The Box

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a box under the bed but to never look into it. So they were married for 40 years and the woman never looked in the box. On the morning of their 40th anniversary, the wife looked in the box. In the box, there was about 300 dollars in small bills, and 3 empty beer bottles. At dinner that evening, the woman just had to ask. So she did, she asked "what are those beer bottles for, you know, in the box under the bed?" The man said, oh no, you looked. OK, Every time I've been unfaithful to you, I chugged a beer and put it in the box.
The wife says, well for forty years, that's not so bad. At night, the woman was having a bad night, she could not get to sleep, something was bugging her. Then she remembered. She shook awake her husband and asked, what was the money for, though. The guy says, what? The lady says, you know, the money in the box.
The guy says, well, every time the box filled up, I took it in and got money for the bottles.  

Scary Collection 07

A witch joke
Why did the stupid witch keep her clothes in the fridge?
She liked to have something cool to slip into in the evenings!

A cannibal joke
What happened when the cannibals ate a comedian?
They had a feast of fun!

A ghost joke
What do you call a ghost's mother and father?
Transparents!

A vampire joke
Who plays centre forward for the vampire football team?
The ghoulscorer!

A witch joke
Why did the witch give up fortune telling?
There was no future in it!

A Halloween joke
Why was everyone tickled by the fried chicken at the Halloween party?
Because the feathers were still on the chicken!

A witch joke
What did the doctor say to the witch in hospital?
With any luck you'll soon be well enough to get up for a spell!