Jokes of the day for Saturday, 31 May 2025
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 31 May 2025 |
Suit Yourself
The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when i was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine, suit yourself.”
I saw the light!
Mr. and Mrs. Thomas were both 102 years old. They had been married 74 years. The local television station sent a news crew out to interview them.
"What we need to do," the reporter explained, "is to interview you separately. It just seems to make for a better write-up, when we do it that way. So, if you don't mind waiting, Mrs. Thomas, we'll go out on the porch with your husband and visit with him for a few moments first."
After they were settled on the porch, the reporter began his interview. "Mr. Thomas, I know you get tired of people asking you this, but what do you think is the cause of your longevity?"
"Well..." Mr. Thomas drawled thoughtfully. "I get up early every morning. I eat pretty good, you know, garden food and such....and...oh, yeah! God talks to me!"
The reporter stared up at him to see if he was kidding. "You mean God actually talks to you?"
"Yep," the old-timer replied sincerely. "We're pretty close. In fact, when I have to get up and go to the bathroom during the night, God even turns the light on for me."
The reporter quickly excused himself and went in search of Mrs. Thomas. "I don't mean anything unkind by this, Ma'am, but is Mr. Thomas okay...mentally, I mean?"
"Why?" she asks curiously.
"Well, he says that when he goes to the bathroom at night, God turns on the light for him," the reporter explained.
"Oh, damn!" Mrs. Thomas said, irritably. "Has that old fart been pissin' in the refrigerator again?"
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac...
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.Take Your Kid To Work Day
An 8 year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take your kid to work Day'.
As they walked round the office she started crying and getting cranky.
Her father asked what was wrong.
As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"
Two Lions
Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle. All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.
The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.
While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.
After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.
When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, “African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions.”
Donald Glover: We Get It
Its kind of redundant -- have a black dude wearing an Obama shirt. Everybodys like, Yeah, we know. You like Obama; we get it. Its just like, I would do the same thing. I realize that its kind of redundant. I dont go up to white people wearing Coldplay shirts. You like Coldplay? For how long? Forever? Martha Kelly: Preparing for Office Work
Its been a couple of years since I actually worked in an office, so I thought I should do something to prepare to get back into the typing, filing and phone answering, and what not. So what I did was I had a friend of mine go with me down to the local swimming pool, and I had him tie me up in a burlap sack and sink me to the bottom of the pool. And then just as I was about to suffocate, he yanked me up and gave me a lunch break.
My brain is like the bermuda triangle
My brain is like the bermuda triangle. Information goes in and then is never found again. It was the first day of school...
It was the first day of school and the teacher was asking the little boy about his family."And what does your Daddy do?"
"He's a magician."
"That must be exciting, what tricks can he do?"
"He can saw people in half."
"That is clever, and tell me do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"Yes, one half brother, and two half sisters."
Stiff Neck
A five year old boy comes to visit his grandparents and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocker, wearing only a shirt, naked from the waist down. "Grandpa, whatcha' doing? You're weenie's out and everybody can see!" he exclaimed.
Grandpa looked off in the distance, not answering.
"Grandpa, whatcha' doin' sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.
Grandpa looked at him and said, "Son, last week I sat here with no shirt on, Just watching the cars go by.... and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."
Chinese Language Day Jokes
Today is Chinese Language Day! Find jokes about it!
Q: Why is learning Chinese a piece of cake?
A: Because you can always find a "take-out" option!!"
Q: Why did the Chinese language student always carry chopsticks?
A: They wanted to make sure they could always "pick up" new words!
Q: How do Chinese language learners stay warm during winter?
A: They keep themselves wrapped up in Chinese "characters"!
Q: Why did the Chinese language student become a great cook?
A: Because they mastered the art of "stir-frying" words and phrases!
#chineselanguageday
International Plastic Bag Free Day Joke
July 3rd is International Plastic Bag Free Day! Find joke about it!
Why did the plastic bag go to therapy? It couldn't handle the pressure and felt all crumpled up inside.
#internationalplasticbagfreeday #plasticbagfreeday
Auto-correct walks into a bar...
Auto-correct walks into a bar
And the batman says, "why the log fence?"
No desire to do anything
I'm currently suffering from NDTDA : No desire to do anything syndrome! A note from mom...
John, a well-to-do bachelor, invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the meal, Mom couldn't help notice how attractive and shapely the house keeper was, and wondered if there was more going on than meets the eye. John sensing what his mother was thinking said to her "I know what you're thinking, Mom, but I assure you my relationship with the house keeper is purely professional."
A week later, the house keeper told John that ever since his mother's visit a silver gravy ladle has been missing. John sent his mother a note which said, "Mom, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains one has been missing since you were here".
A few days later he receives a note from his mother. "John: I'm not saying you sleep with your house keeper, nor am I saying you're not. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom".
