Jokes of the day for Friday, 03 October 2025

Keeping Score in Golf

My 5-year-old nephew, Felix, wanted to caddy for my brother's golf game.
"You have to count my strokes," my brother told him. "How much is six plus nine plus eight?"
"Five," answered Felix.
"Okay," my brother said, "let's go."

What goes through a cat's mind

Monday - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little danglingobjects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Tuesday - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving aroundtheir feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this atthe top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to throw up on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

Wednesday - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Thursday - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan......

Friday - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called 'shampoo.' What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Saturday - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call 'beer.' More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of 'allergies.' Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Sunday - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to molespeak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

My wife and I went to the Coun...

My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week".
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .......... You could learn a lot from him".
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,"That's once a day .. You could REALLY learn something from this one".
I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow".
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say I should eventually make a full recovery.

A Republican and a Democrat we

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.
Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats.

The Date

A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as the guy makes his move."I`m a hooker".
The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he`s ok with it. He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at it.

After they finish, the guy says,

"Now I should be honest too. I`m a cab driver and its going to cost you $25 to get back to town".

Blonde quickies 13

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?

A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?

A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?

A: Sweet Fuck All...

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?

A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?

A: Last year's hide-and-seek champ.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?

A: A Space Invader.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?

A: Branch Manager.

Q: What do you call a smart blond?

A: A labrador.

Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?

: A 69 interrupted by a period.

Alfred Robles: Engaged for 10 Months

My girl wants to change the engagement rules. She tells me, Babe, why do I got to wear a ring and let guys know Im taken, and you dont got to wear nothing? I told her, Babe, I wear my sad face every day.

A couple arrived at the boardi...

A couple arrived at the boarding gate just in time to see their plane taking off. The husband was angry to have missed the plane. “If you weren’t so slow in getting ready,” he complained to his wife, “we wouldn’t have missed the plane.” “And if you wouldn’t have rushed me, we wouldn’t have so long to wait until the next flight,” she replied.

It was the first day of school...

It was the first day of school and the teacher was asking the little boy about his family.
"And what does your Daddy do?"
"He's a magician."
"That must be exciting, what tricks can he do?"
"He can saw people in half."
"That is clever, and tell me do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"Yes, one half brother, and two half sisters."

A man walked into a bar, s...

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.

Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."

7 short jokes for a good Tuesday

I asked my friend when his birthday was, and he said, "March 1st".
So I walked around the room like a soldier and asked him again.

I left my job today. I couldn’t work for that man after what he said to me.
He said: "you’re fired."

My wife and I were walking through the park today and we passed a large groups of nuns.
I said wow what an opportunity for a joke, but I’ve got none.

Daughter: "How do I look, Dad?"
Me: "With your eyes, sweetie."

A dad went into his 13 yr old daughter's bedroom to find her smoking.
"How long have you been smoking?" he shouted.
"Since I lost my virginity," she replied.
"You lost your VIRGINITY?" he shrieked. "When the hell did this happen?"
The daughter replied, "No idea, I was drunk!"

A sweet old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He eats a few and asks her why she isn't having any herself.
"Oh they're too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn't."
"Why did you buy them all then?" wonders the driver.
"You see, I just love the chocolate they're covered in!"

"Come into the bedroom and I'll show you a good time," I said to the wife.
When she came up I showed her pictures of me and my mates before I met her!

Tenses

A teacher says, “Okay, class. Today we're going to be talking about the tenses. If I say ‘I'm beautiful,' which tense is it?”
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, “Obviously past tense, Miss.”

Monday repeating itself

I've heard of history repeating itself, but this Monday thing has got to stop!

Whats My Name?

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women

WARNING: Don't read this. It is not PC.

Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.

Motorcycles' curves never sag.

U can ride at the desired speeds and change gears whenever u want.

Motorcycles last longer.

Motorcycles don't get pregnant.

You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.

Motorcycles don't have parents.

Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.

You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.

If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.

You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is _really_ worn.

If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.

Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.

When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.

Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.

Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.

New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.

If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.

If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.

If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.

If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.

You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.

You can have any color Motorcycle and show it to your parents.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.

You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.

You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.

If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.

You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.

Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.

Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.

Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.

Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.

Motorcycles don't care if you are late.

You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.

It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.

If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.

You and your best friend can ride your motorycle two-up and it won't complain.