Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 03 March 2026

A stranger's advice

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. 

After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night." 

The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning." 

The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try. 

When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face. 

As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet. 

Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!" 

"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."

Kid's View of Baptism

A father is in church with his three young children, including his five-year-old daughter.

As was his custom, he sat on the very front row so that the children could better see all that was going on.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five-year-old girl was most enthralled by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"

Once there was a man with an e...

Once there was a man with an extremely large penis, but, unfortunately, he also had a terrible stuttering problem, so he could never get a girlfriend. So he went to the doctor one day and said to him that he wanted something done about his stutter. The doctor replied that he would have to take off his penis to relieve him of the stutter. After a while the man agreed and had his penis removed.

After the operation he was a smooth talker, but now he couldn't get laid because he had no penis. So he returned to the doctor and tells him he would like to have his penis back, because he has a better chance of getting laid with a stutter than with no penis.

The doctor replies, "S-s-sorry s-s-sir, b-b-but I c-c-can't d-d-do th-th-that."

Moses on His Walkie Talkie

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

For two solid hours, the lady ...

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.

She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.

"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"

The Engineer had just returned

The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as he looked absolutely terrible.
"Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."
"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red?"
"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."
"I see," chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged?"
"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this."

Did you hear about the new com...

Did you hear about the new computer virus?
It's called the "Lorena Bobbit Virus".
Apparently, it turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 inch floppy!

The children had all been phot...

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he'sa doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ...she's dead."

Blonde

How do you make a blonde a brunette? Turn her upside down

I was at my bank today waiting...

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

April Fool's Day Prank - Cover a hallway...

Cover a hallway in cups of water.

Little League Baseball

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what co-operation is?
What a team is?'
'Yes, coach', replied the little boy.
'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that?'
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb ass or shithead is it?'
'No, coach.'
'Good', said the coach. 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!'

My brain is like the bermuda triangle

My brain is like the bermuda triangle. Information goes in and then is never found again.

I wasn't originally...

“I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.”

Emily Heller: Using Feminism

I have found some ways to use feminism to my own advantage -- mostly to remain lazy and disgusting.