Popular jokes (7741 to 7755)

Name two of Santa's reindeer...

The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question - worth 500 points!

"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."

The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question.

"Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"

The studio audience started to applaud (like the little sign above their heads said to do,) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'"

"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."

The President and Mrs. Clinton...

The President and Mrs. Clinton went to opening day of Baseball season. Suddenly, just at the start of the game, Bill threw Hillary onto the field.

"No, no!" exclaimed the chief of staff, "You were supposed to throw out the first PITCH!"

When You Go

If you’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you leave the bathroom, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
European.

A mother took her daughter to

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.
I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

Anal Glaucoma

Another new Illness to watch out for ...
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"So, what's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"And what the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I just can't see my ass coming into work today."

The Wisdom of King Solomon

During King Solomon's reign, there was a handsome, successful young man who was wanted by all the young maidens in the kingdom. This young man was certainly aware of his advantages, and he would go wild with different girls and promise each of them the whole world. While most of the ladies knew he could not be trusted, two young women took his words seriously and announced to their family that they were going to marry the most successful and beautiful man in the kingdom.

The rumors of the marriage spread, and the two mothers of the young women who heard that someone else would marry the wanted man began to quarrel over the fate and future of their daughters. After failing to settle the dispute, the two mothers decided to go to King Solomon, the wisest man, and ask him to decide which of their daughters would marry the boy.

They dragged the young man to court and made their claims to the wise king. Solomon listened to them patiently, and after they finished he ordered, 'Bring me the greatest sword in the palace, I will split the man in two, and each woman will receive half of him!'

The first mother looked rather indifferent and said, 'Bring him the sword.'
The other mother, who was shocked by the order, yelled, 'Your majesty, remove the command, I will give up the groom-only do not spill his blood!'
King Solomon looked at the two women with a big smile and said, 'The first mother’s daughter will marry the young man!'
The confused court clerk turned to Solomon and said, 'My wise king, aren’t you confused? The first mother was willing to cut that young man into two!'
'Right!' King Solomon replied, 'This proves that she is worthy of being his real Mother in law!'

How do white fairytales st

How do white fairytales start? "Once upon a time,"
How do black fairytales start? "N*** you ain't gonna believe this!"

Getting to Heaven from the Post Office

A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office.
After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.”
“I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!”
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

University of California – 3 Campuses – 3 Reactions

A story told me during my first year at UCD by a professor who'd been to all three campuses mentioned:
A professor was lecturing at UC Berkeley. He entered the room, took up his position at the front of the room, and said, 'Good morning, class.'
Immediately the room erupted into argument. 'How can you stand there and say the morning is 'good' when all over the world, people are starving, imprisoned, oppressed, ...' The students immediately stage a protest and walk out.
The next quarter, the professor is lecturing at UC Santa Cruz. He entered the room, took up his position at the front of the room, and said, 'Good morning, class.'
Immediately the students stand up, look out the window at the beach, say, 'Dude, you're right!', grab the surfboards and hit the waves.
The next quarter, the professor is lecturing at UC Davis. He enters the room, takes up his position at the front of the room, and says, 'Good morning, class.'
Immediately every head goes to the desk as they all start taking notes, and three students raise their hand and ask, 'Excuse me, will that be on the test?'

"What do you do?" a young man

"What do you do?" a young man asked the beautiful girl he was dancing with.
"I'm a nurse."
"I wish I could be ill and let you nurse me," he whispered in her ear.
"That would be miraculous. I work on the maternity ward."

Expert Advice

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

“The hunter stir-frie

“The hunter stir-fried his game because he liked to wok on the wild side.”

Happy New Year…Is Everybody Happy!!!??? (Author A. Nonymous)

Q: Why did the one armed man c

Q: Why did the one armed man cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.

“Guerrilla warfare is...

“Guerrilla warfare is more than just throwing a banana.”