Popular jokes (7861 to 7875)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Pat and Mick landed themselves...
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!""Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like this...Damn! There goes another one!"
Doctor Doctor Collection 01
Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.Are you choking?
No, I really did!
Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!
Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil âtill I get there
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?
Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!
Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?!
Stick your foot out and trip it up!
This guy walks into the local
This guy walks into the local bar one Friday afternoon when he gets out of work, as he steps up to the bar he sees his good friend Joe throw down 2 shots, he had a frown on his face."What's with the long face Joe?" asked the guy.
Joe responds, "My wife told me today that she was only going to have sex with me on Mondays, and Thursdays!"
"Well," said the friend, "That's not that bad, some of us she has cut off completely."
According to the Knight Rider
According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metalbands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds hasbeen changed.The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey,abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv."; until the agency received thefollowing letter from an Arkansas camper:
Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you it tasted horrible.
The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service."
Old is when...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Honey, I can't do both!'Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
'Getting a little action' means, 'I don't need to take any fiber today.'
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
You start saying things like, 'Gee, this sebaceous cyst is killing me!'
Someone mistakes you for a sun-dried tomato while you're shopping at the grocery store.
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to pee!
Getting to Heaven from the Post Office
A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office.
After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.”
“I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!”
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.
"What do you do?" a young man
"What do you do?" a young man asked the beautiful girl he was dancing with."I'm a nurse."
"I wish I could be ill and let you nurse me," he whispered in her ear.
"That would be miraculous. I work on the maternity ward."
Burglar's secret
A man walks into a police station and asks to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before.
"I’m sorry sir, but you'll get your chance in court,” says the duty officer.
“No, you don’t understand,” says the man. “I want to know how he got in the house without waking the wife. I've been trying to do that for years.”
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky...
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.Pigeons can't make up th
Pigeons can't make up their minds. They're always shitting on the fence!Bush in the White House
Former U.S. President George Bush said he would like to seehis son, Governor George W. Bush, in the White House.
Polls, however, indicate that the public is fed up with the
Monica Lewinsky scandal and does not want to see any more
Bush in the White House.
Really funny jokes-Cowboy in Theatre
He whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy moaned but didn't move. The usher warned again. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'll have no choice but to call the manager."
The cowboy just moaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle and returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the security. The security guy surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right fella, what's you're name?"
"Tex," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Tex?"
With pain in his voice Tex replied.... "The balcony."
Steven Wright 09
What's another word for Thesaurus?Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ...
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Knock Knock Collection 197
Knock Knock
Who's there?
X!
X who?
X for breakfast!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Xavier!
Xavier who?
Xavier your breath, I'm not leaving!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Xenia!
Xenia who?
Xenia stealing my sweets!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ya!
Ya who?
I didn't know you were a cowboy!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Yacht!
Yacht who?
Yacht a know me by know!
