Dog jokes (481 to 495)Jokes about dogs. These are the jokes listed 481 to 495. |
THE CAT:
One da
THE CAT:
One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven.
Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased.
We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms.
Running, running, running; we're tired of running.
Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
Week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here.
Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
Biker's Dog
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."
Because he said ...
R
Because he said ...My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache!
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?'He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
Advice from children...
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10 2. When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him. - Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14
10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9
11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9
12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9
13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10
14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13
15. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8
Actual newspaper headlines....
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down JaywalkersSafety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Farm Jokes 04
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires!
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
What is a pigs favorite ballet?
Swine Lake!
What do you get if you cross a hen with a dog?
Pooched eggs!
How do you stop a rooser crowing on Sunday?
Eat him on Saturday!
Why did the foal cough?
Because he was a little horse!
What is the opposite of cock-a doodle-doo?
Cock-a-doodle-don't!
What's the best way to keep milk from turning sour?
Leave it inside the cow!
Where do milkshakes come from?
Excited cows!
April Fool's Day - Rig a ketchup bottle...
Rig a ketchup bottle to squirt string instead of ketchup. Hot dogs are ready, kids. Tee-hee!
May I Borrow Your Dog For A Few Days?
It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."
"Gee...That's terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"
The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "Get in line."
A Dogâs Duty
A nursery school teacher was taking a station
wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck
zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children
began discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one
youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find
the fire hydrant
A man asked his wife what she\
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
10 words that do not exist...but should...
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow `remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEAR
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES.FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL, 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG.
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG.
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT ... BEEN OUT AWHILE .. BETTERBE A REWARD.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED ... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY.
HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE &DONUTS.
FOR SALE: ONE MAN SIX WOMAN HOT TUB
(AND THE BEST ONE) . .
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica - no longerneeded. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
The Results Of Statistics
1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed
2. All polar bears are left-handed
3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear
1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
3. Work stuffs up your eyesight
1. All dogs are animals
2. All cats are animals
3. Therefore, all dogs are cats
1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second
2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second
3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant
