Father jokes (1291 to 1305)Jokes about fathers. These are the jokes listed 1291 to 1305. |
Blonde in a Snow Storm
A blonde got stuck in a snowstorm and started to panic.Then she remembered that her father had told her to wait for
a snow plow to come and plow the road in front of her if she
ever got stuck in a snowstorm. Then follow the plow to
safety. So she waited until a snow plow finally came, and she
followed it.
After about an hour and a half the guy driving the snow plow
stopped and asked the blonde what she was doing.
She told him what her father told her. He shrugged his
shoulders and said "Well, okay, I'm done with K-Mart's
parking lot, would you like to follow me to Sears?"
Pet names....
There once was a man who was so proud of the fact that he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife "mother of six."
His wife hated this name and asked him repeatedly not to call her that, but he was a stubborn man and was very proud that he had six kids.
One evening they were at a dinner party for his company and it was getting close to the time that they should be leaving. The husband yelled from across the room over to his wife, "mother of six, are you ready to go?"
Annoyed with his question, she responded, "In a minute, Father of four."
A Golfer's Deal With the Devil
A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, "I would give anything for a birdie on this hole."
A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the hole and whispered, "If you give up one quarter of your sex life, I guarantee you will make this shot."The golfer said "OK." He made the shot for birdie.
A few holes later, he was having trouble on another hole. "Please, let me make this for eagle" he said.
Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, "If you give up another quarter of your sex life, you will make eagle."
"You're on," the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle.
On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win. The stranger again stepped up and said "If you give up the last half of your sex life, you will make eagle to win."
"OK," the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round.
As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, "I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."
The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, "Nice to meet you, my name is Father O'Malley!"
A teenager comes home from sch...
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would.
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."
Good enuf
Hillbilly father talking to his newlywed son: How's yer new bride?Son: I had to kill her, Pa. She was a virgin.
Dad: Yew done tha right thang, son. If she weren't good enuf fer her own kin, then she ain't good enuf fer ours!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
New York Crazy Law
Carmel
Greene
New York
Ocean City
Staten Island
Jonny Is Off
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.
The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
Chemistry Song 01
Chemistry Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas,
The lab was quite still;
Not a Bunsen was burning
(Nor had they the will).
The test tubes were placed
In their racks with great care,
In hopes Father Chemistry
Soon would be there.
The students were sleeping
So sound in their dorms,
All dreaming of fluids
And Crystalline forms.
Lab-Aids in their aprons
And I in my smock.
When outside the lab
There arose such a roar
I leaped from my stool
And fell flat on the floor.
Out ot the fire escape
All of us flew.
What was the commotion?
Not one of knew.
The flood-lights shone out
O're the campus so bright
It looked like old Stockholm
On Nobel Prize Night.
My fume-blinded eyes
Then viewed (dare I say?)
Eight anions pulling
A water-trough sleigh.
And holding the bonds
Tied to each one of them
Was a figure I knew
As our own Papa Chem.
With speeds in excess
Of most X-rays they came.
As they Dopplered along
He called each one by name.
"Now Nitrite, now Phosphate,
Now Borate, now Chloride
On Citrate, on Bromate,
On Sulfite and Oxide.
Forget what you know
Of that randomness stuff,
Let's go straight to that roof,
If you've quanta enough."
As fluids Bernoullian
Behave in a pinch,
Those ions said "Alchemist
This is a cinch."
So up to the lab-roof
Those "chargers" they sped
With Pop Chemistry safe
In his water-trough sled.
Just a microsec later
Electroscopes showed
Charged particles coming
To our lab abode
We raced back inside,
And what d'ya think?
Down the fume-hood Pop Chem fell,
Right into the sink.
He was dressed in a lab-coat,
Quite ragged and old,
With removable buttons
(The style, we're told)
A tray-full of beakers
He clutched to his heart--
And under his arm
Was an orbital chart.
His eyes through his goggles
I just couldn't see
His hands were all yellow
From H-N-O-3.
His head was quite bald
With a fringe all around
Like a ring test for iron,
That same shade of brown.
He puffed a cigar
With a smell not at all
Unlike the organic lab
Right down the hall.
The smoke billowed forth
From his angular face
And with Brownian Movement
Enveloped the place.
He was thin as a match
And not terribly tall
He wasn't the type
I'd expected at all
But a look at his clothes,
In the lab's harsh white light,
With their acid-burn holes--
He's a chemist all right!
He didn't say much
(He had no time to kill)
And filled all the test tubes
With nary a spill.
Then placing them bak
On the benches with care
He dashed to the fume-hood
And rose through the air.
He called to his team
And his ions took off
And kinetics took care
Of Pop Chem and his trough,
But I heard him cry out
As he flew down the street
"Merry Holidays to all!
May your stockrooms stay neat!"
Twist Again...
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.
'That''s cool.' says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'
School Collection 28
Father: How were the exam questions?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!
Where was the Magna Carta signed?
At the bottom!
What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!
What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
I'm learning ancient history?
So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!
What a talent....
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happened upon an old tribesman lying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.
The father of the family asked the old tribeman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, white, four-door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h.
"That's amazing!" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all that just by listening to the ground?"
"No," said the old tribesman, weakly. "They just ran over me five minutes ago!"
Final Confession
Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side.She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."
"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."
"Don't worry about it, sweetie," replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"
Just like mom...
Manny is almost 29 years old. His friends have already gotten married, but Manny still just dates and dates.
Finally, a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"
Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. "So, Manny, did you find that perfect girl yet--one that's just like your Mother?"
Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes, I found one just like Mom. And my mother loved her, and they became fast friends."
So should I congratulate you? "Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"
Two clergy persons are on an a...
Two clergy persons are on an airplane, a Catholic priest and a Mormon bishop.After a while, the priest turns to the bishop and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you are not to drink coffee?"
The Mormon bishop responds, "Yes that is still one of our beliefs."
The Catholic priest then asks, "Have you ever had a cup of coffee?"
"Yes," says the Mormon bishop, "I have to admit on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tried a cup of coffee."
The Catholic priest nods in understanding and goes on with his reading. A while later, the Mormon bishop speaks up and asks, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The Catholic priest replies, "Yes, that is still one of our vows."
The Mormon bishop then asks, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The Catholic priest replied, "Yes, Bishop, on one occasion, I was weak and broke my vow."
The Mormon bishop nodded understandingly for a moment.
A few minutes later he smiled, looked at the Catholic priest and then said, "A lot better than coffee, isn't it?"
The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
