Father jokes (1306 to 1320)Jokes about fathers. These are the jokes listed 1306 to 1320. |
You Might Be A Redneck If 10
You might be a redneck if...
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
Little David was in his 5th gr...
Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer...David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go home with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said David, "he works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
The Rabbi in The confession...
The Rabbi in The confession boothA priest and a rabbi were talking when the rabbi asked the priest about confession.
"I have an idea," said the priest. Why don't you sit with me on my side of the confession booth and hear it for yourself? No one will ever know.
A woman came into the booth and said, Bless me Father for I have sinned.
The priest asked, "What did you do?"
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
"Well," said the priest, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box."
Another woman came and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do?"
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
Again the priest said, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box."
Then the priest said to the rabbi, "would you like to do the next confession?"
The rabbi started to object, but the priest said, "Go ahead. It's easy."
So another woman came in and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned."
This time the rabbi asked, "What did you do?"
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
The woman said, "Twice."
Then the rabbi said, "Well go do it again. They're 3 for 5 dollars today."
A father is sitting in his cha...
A father is sitting in his chair watching t.v. when all of a sudden his 9 year old son comes running through the house.The boy runs into the kithchen grabs a handful of m&m's pops them in his mouth runs back through the livingroom grabs the cat, bites the cat and runs out the door.
The father sits there dumbfounded and wonders what his son is doing. Well a few minutes later the boy runs back in the house and does the same exact thing.
He runs into the kithchen,grabs a handful of m&m's pops them in his mouth then runs into the livingroom grabs the cat, bites him and runs out the door.
Now the father is REALLY curious about what his son is doing so the next time he comes in he was just going to have to ask.
Well sure enough a few minutes later here comes his son running into the house to the kitchen grabs a handful of the m&m's runs into the livingroom grabs the cat and bites him and when he went to run out the door his father stops him and says, "son what in the hell is wrong with you?"
"Nothing." says his son.
"Then why are you running into the kitchen grabbing a handful of m&m's popping them in your mouth then running in here grabbing the cat and biting him then taking off out the door?"
The boy replies," I'm practicing on being a biker like you daddy... popping pills, eating pussy and runnin'!!"
Who Is God?
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?""Both son. God is both."
After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both son, both."
"Daddy, does God love children?"
"Yes son, he loves all children."
The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"
If a bra is an upper topper ti...
If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper, and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker, and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper, what do you a call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.
There was a farmer who had a b...
There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished."Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said the little boy.
After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop," said the boy. "Yes," replied his father.
"The bull just f….ed the brown cow."
There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow."
The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy."
"Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?"
"He sure did, Pop! He f...ed the brown cow again!"
Mini Meanie
The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition."Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I'll help you win."
"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.
When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"
"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.
