Sport jokes (916 to 930)

 Aussie Love Story

Dazza is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day, when He
sees His Girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.

Dazza slams on the brakes and yells, "Shazza what in the Blazes d'ya think ya doin'?"
Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says,
"G'Day, Dazza.
You got me pregnant, so now I'm gunna kill meself".

Dazza gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
"Shazza", he says "Fair dinkum love, not only are ya a top root, but
you're a real sport too!"
and drives off

Playing Golf with God

Three men were playing golf. The course was a wicked dogleg with a large water hazard.
The first man stepped up to the tee and hit a sharp slice into the water hazard. He walked up to the water; it parted and he lofted his ball within one foot of the hole.
The next man steped up and hit the ball. Sure enough, he sliced it so that it landed on top of the water. He walked across the surface of the water and and hit the ball within six inches of the hole.The third man stepped up, hit the ball, and sliced it. The ball was just about to land in the water when a trout jumped out of the water and grabbed it in his mouth. An eagle swooped down, scooped up the fish, and flew off. As the eagle banked over the green, lightning struck it, it dropped the fish, the fish dropped the ball, and it landed in the hole for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I really hate playing golf with your Dad."

Ability

Little Johnny was at football practice one day and the coach said

"Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts"

Immediately little Johnny said, "Ooh me sir me"

The coach then said, "But Johnny you are the worst in the team!"

Then Johnny said, "I know, but goalposts can’t jump!"

Once upon a time, inside a tes

Once upon a time, inside a testis, there was a sperm that started Bodybuilding. Jogging, weight lifting, yoga and every possible way he adopted to become a strong and healthy one. His sperm friends asked him the reason.
He told them frankly, "Friends, we are cores in number and everybody has a very short life span except the one who meets with the female egg and survives. I want to be that surviving one."
The reason was so genuine that every sperm wished to be the surviving one and all of them started exercise. Hundreds of health clubs started in both the testes with one and only one aim that whenever time comes, everybody would run faster to reach the egg and fertilize it.
And the time, at last, came. Everybody took the position and started running...
However, one of the experienced sperm immediately closed the exit door and shouted, "Go back friends, we have been deceived! This man is masturbating!!!"

If your dog is fat, you aren'

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
- Unknown
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
- Unknown
Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
- Gene Hill
In dog years, I'm dead.
- Unknown
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
- Aldous Huxley
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
- Robert Benchley
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
- Sue Murphy
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
- August Strindberg
No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
- Fran Lebowitz
Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
- Anne Tyler
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
- Rita Rudner
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money.- Joe Weinstein
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
- James Thurber
You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.- Nora Ephron
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
- Ann Landers
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
- Robert A. Heinlein
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!
- Dr. Tom Cat
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
- Ben Williams
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
- Edward Abbey
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
- Unknown
Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
- Unknown
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
- Christopher Morley
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings
Man is a dog's idea of what God should be.
- Holbrook Jackson
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.- Andrew A. Rooney
He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
- Unknown
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
- Smiley Blanton
I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.
- John Steinbeck

One day in the forest, 3 guys

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attaked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said, "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

 Ohio Crazy Law

It is illegal to mistreat anything of great importance.

Owners of tigers must notify authorities within one hour if the tiger escapes.

It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.

Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

The Ohio driver's education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car.

No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July.

Participating or conducting a duel is prohibited.

Breast feeding is not allowed in public.

In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.

It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house.

Bay Village

It is illegal to walk a cow down Lake Road.

Bexley

Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses.

Clinton County

Any person who leans against a public building will be subject to fines.

Cleveland

It's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license!

Women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear.

Columbus

It is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.

Fairview Park

It's against the law to honk your horn "excessively". A grandmother was fined for honking her horn twice at her neighbor.

Items left on a tree lawn become city property. A young man was fined for removing an item from a tree lawn even though he had the owner's permission.

Ironton

Cross-dressing is against the law.

Lima

Any map that does not have Lima clearly stated on the map cannot be sold.

Lowell

It is unlawful to run a horse over five miles per hour.

Marion

You cannot eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a city street.

North Canton

It is against the law to roller skate without notifying the police.

McDonald

Your goose may not paraded down Main Street.

Oxford

It's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

Paulding

A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him.

Toledo

Throwing a snake at anyone is illegal.

Strongsville

Catch 22 is banned.

Youngstown

Riding on the roof of a taxi cab is not allowed.

You may not run out of gas.

#joke #policeman #animal #dog #horse #snake #tiger #cow #whale #fish #mice #sport #hunting

Sign on company bulleting boar...

Sign on company bulleting board: “This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying of the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friend in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.”

Alien Sex

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.  They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.  Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, do they have golf courses, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.  'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another...

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.

He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears..'
 

 

December 29, 2014

Jobs

Contributed by The Florida Dude

Teacher to a student: "Can you think of a solution to end unemployment?"

"Yes, sir! I'd put all the men on one island and the women on another."

"And what would they be doing then?"

"Building boats!"

1. The later you are, the more

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you getanother dog??
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you apervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just thinkit's interesting..
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Switching channels

An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

An elderly lady from a remote

An elderly lady from a remote little town went to one of Philadelphia's most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and husband. Nearby was a very well known golf course.
On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for a stroll. Upon her return, the young niece asked, "Well, Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?"
"Oh, yes, indeed," said Auntie, beaming.
"Before I had walked very far," she continued, "I came to some beautiful rolling fields. There seemed to be a number of people about, mostly men. Some of them kept shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, but I took no notice. There were four men who followed me for some time, uttering curious excited barking sounds. Naturally, I ignored them, too.
"Oh, by the way," she added, as she held out her hands, "I found a number of these curious little round white balls, so I picked them all up and brought them home hoping you could explain what they're for."

Old Blind Cowboy...

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake…

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’. 3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

‘Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy…. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times……’

Avid golfer...

A couple met at Myrtle Beach and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue their relationship after their vacations were over.

"It's only fair to warn you, Linda," he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live...eat...sleep...and breathe golf."

"Well,..." Linda said, "Since you're being honest, so will I. You see, I'm a hooker."

"I see," he said pensively. Then, he smiled and said..."It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Freddie and John were fortunat

Freddie and John were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Chelsea. They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat (B14) next to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together.
One half-time Freddie went to the ticket office and asked if they could by buy the season ticket for B14. The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty.
Then on Boxing day, much to Freddie and Eddie's amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season. John could not resist asking the newcomer, "Where have you been all season?"
"Don't ask," he said, "My wife bought the season ticket back last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present."