Sport jokes (1021 to 1035)Jokes about sports. These are the jokes listed 1021 to 1035. |
Grandma Buys a Bumper Sticker
Grandma writes:The other day I went to the local religious book store where
I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I
bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm
really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost
in thought
about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had
changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of
people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to
honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty
soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as
loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him
shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"! Everyone else started
honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled
to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from
Florida back there because I could hear him
yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving
in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the
air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant.
They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told
me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out
the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of
the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I
bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the
light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good
thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the
intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned
out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the
Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise
the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love ya all,
Grandma
Lawyers in the Park
A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park. While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape.He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on. Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears.
So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female. The lawyer turned to the ranger and asked "Why did you shoot the female? - it was the male that ate my friend"
So the Ranger replies "Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?"
A compliment....
Bob was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of IQ.
He turned to his wife and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
She replied, "Why, thank you, Dear!"
The golf ball...
These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?"
He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."
His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!"
The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!"
The man replies, "I found it."
Passing a Mental Exam
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
Top 10 reasons
Top 10 reasons for being French:1. When speaking fast, you make yourself sound gay.
2. You own half the world's perfume industry and still never use deodorant.
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frogs' legs.
4. If there's a war, you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read subtitles on late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous star.
8. You can allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street and humiliate your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.
Top 10 reasons for being Italian:
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. You are unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 AD.
5. You can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. You live near the Pope.
9. You can spend hours braiding your girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Sicilian murderers run your country.
Top 10 reasons for being Spanish:
1. You have a glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes and Brits.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. The only sure way of bedding a woman is for you to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bulls' testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. You supported Argentina in the Falklands War.
Top 10 reasons for being Indian:
1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiaza.
9. Meat Bhuna.
10. Kingfisher Lager.
Top 10 reasons for being American:
1. You can have a woman President - without electing her.
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook/adulterer and still be President.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe, you can get a gun.
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You can call everyone you've ever met `buddy'.
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth when you're not at all.
Top 10 reasons for being English:
1. Two World Wars and one World Cup, doo-dah, doo-dah.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union Jack underpants.
6. Water shortages are guaranteed every summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you're still a world power.
8. You can bathe once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto - changing underwear.
10. It beats being Welsh or Scottish.
Top 10 reasons for being Welsh:
1. You've got to be joking haven't you?
Top 10 reasons for being Irish:
1. Guinness.
2. You have 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Your pubs never close.
5. You can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. You kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at three in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
Top 10 reasons for being Australian:
1. You know your great-grandad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted. You get to live in what was Britain's largest 'open prison'.
2. Foster's Lager.
3. You dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. You get to annihilate England every time you play them at cricket.
5. Your tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Your liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. You get to drink cold lager on the beach.
10. You get to have a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.
Top 10 reasons for being a Kiwi:
1. You get to shag chicks that resemble Jonah Lomu in a frock.
2. Beer.
3. Rugby.
4.See above.
5. See above.
6. See above.
7. See above.
8. See above.
9. See above.
10. You get to hate everyone else... unless it's their round.
Architect Programmer
If architects had to work like programmers . . .
Dear Mr. Architect,
Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.
My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.
Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).
As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)
Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator.
To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, make that you contact each of our children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of thses options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you make.
Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpet. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.
Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.
While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has.
I advise you to run up and look at my neighbor's house he constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that we would also like in our new home, particularily the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the final cost.
Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.
You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans.
PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.
PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case.
Bear Hunt
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
Scary Collection 01
A vampire joke
What's a vampire's favourite sport?
Batminton!
A werewolf joke
What do you call a werewolf that drinks too much?
A whino!
A witch joke
Where did the witch get her furniture?
From the ideal gnome exhibition!
A skeleton joke
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with!
A cannibal joke
What happened at the cannibal's wedding party?
They toasted the bride and groom!
A ghost joke
How can you tell if a corpse is angry?
It flips its lid!
A demon joke
What do demons have on holiday?
A devil of a time!
If she went out with me
A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn't smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town's football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend.
The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, "Buddy, if she went out with me, she'd never go out with you ever again."
To which the local jock replied, "Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she'd never go out with ANYONE ever again."
Should have been here sooner!
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
A young man, who was also an a...
A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
