The best jokes (1 to 15)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 1 to 15. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
At The Bar
I was sitting at a bar with a friend the other night when he casually pointed across the bar from us and said, "see those two old drunks sitting there... that's going to be us in ten years."
I looked and him and said, "that's a mirror stupid!"
A Jewish Mother After Hanukkah
A man received two sweaters for Hanukkah from his mother. The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one of the two sweaters. As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?" Going To A Nude Beach
My friend bought a bus pass to a nude beach.
It turned out to be a ticket to no wear.
It's Probably Okay, Dad
A man in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"Aw, Dad, it's probably okay," the son said. "The police car right behind us just did the same thing."
Paying For His Mistake
A husband and wife had a big argument. Frustrated and fed up, the wife called up her mom and said, "We fought again, I can't do this anymore. I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."
Credit Cards
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
Vacation
My friend Jim told me that when he asked his wife where she wanted to go on vacation, she said that being married to him was a vacation.
When I commented that was a nice thing to say to him, Jim replied, "Well, actually, what she said was I was the 'last resort.'"
A Prisoner's Last Request
Two men, sentenced to die on the same day, were led down to the room where the electric chair was. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"The man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden.He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man, "Kill me first." I Got Arrested
I got arrested today for walking out of an art museum with a painting.
I’m just so confused because earlier when I asked the security if I could take a picture, they said “yes.”
Things To Consider
If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.
On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring...
On the other hand, you don’t.
Old friends
Mary and Jane are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Mary cries.
"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jane.
"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"
Diagnose this patient
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
Dentist
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"
Confucius Says...
Confucius says...
"Man who stands in front of car gets tired, man who stands behind car gets exhausted."
