Cat jokesJokes about cats. These are the jokes listed 1 to 15. |
A woman opened her door to see two policeman standing there...
A woman opened her door to see two policeman standing there."Mrs Smith? I'm afraid that Inhave some bad news for you? Your husband was at work, at the brewery, and it seemed that he fell into one of the cats of beer and drowned."
Mrs Smith fell to her knees, clutching at her chest.
"Tell me, officers, did he suffer at all?"
"We don't think so, Ma'am. He got out five times so that he could pee."
Coffee Jokes - to celebrate International Coffee Day
International Coffee Day takes place on October 1, an occasion to celebrate coffee as a beverage and have fun with Coffee Jokes
I like my coffee like “I like my coffee” jokes.
Not made by me.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it got mugged!
What do you call sad coffee?
A depresso.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why are Italians so good at making coffee?
Because they know how to espresso themselves.
What did the coffee say to its date?
"Hey there, hot stuff!"
What's the best Beatles song about coffee?
"Latte Be."
Why did the barista get fired?
They kept showing up latte.
What do you call a cow who's just given birth?
De-calf-inated.
Check out some older Coffee Jokes on page 25 jokes that blend well with coffee
Why do coffee shops have bad Wi-Fi?
Because they want you to espresso yourself instead.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
"I don't have a problem; I have a solution."
How is divorce like an espresso?
It's expensive and bitter.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
How does a tech guy drink coffee?
He installs Java.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch?
Because he was pressed for time.
What do you call it when you steal someone's coffee?
A mugging.
How are coffee beans like teenagers?
They're always getting grounded.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Why do programmers prefer dark coffee?
Because light attracts bugs.
What do you call it when coffee hurts you?
A brew-tality.
What do you call a newborn coffee bean?
A little squirt!
How does coffee relax after a long day?
It unwinds by brewing itself.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Why do coffee beans always show up early?
Because they get roasted!
Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?
He was pressed for time.
What’s a coffee’s favorite spell?
Espresso Patronum!
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What do you call a cow who just gave birth?
De-calf-inated.
How do programmers prefer their coffee?
They like it in Java.
Why do coffee lovers prefer dark roast?
Because light roast keeps them up at night.
What happens when you steal someone’s coffee?
It causes a mug shot!
Why was the coffee shop so quiet?
Because everyone was staying grounded.
I used to be a barista,
but I got fired for being too grounded.
What do you call a sleepy coffee bean?
A drowsy bean.
What do you call a coffee bean that can't sleep?
Caffeinated.
What do you call a coffee bean that's always late?
A tardy bean.
What do you call a coffee bean that's really small?
A tiny bean./p>
What do you call a coffee bean that's really strong?
A robust bean.
What do you call a coffee bean that's really weak?
A feeble bean.
Guy with a cat wins the lottery
So he gets extended leave from his job, packs his things and buys a ticket for South America. Problem is, he needs someone to take care of his cat. So he calls a friend. "Hey John, I need you to take care of my cat for 3 months".
"Three months?!"
"Yeah, but don't worry, all you need to do is feed her a 3 times a day, change her sand, play with her a bit and, god forbid, take her to the vet if she needs anything".
"Damn, so... what if she..."
"I have a plan for that too. Call me and say-"
"That she died?"
"No! Heavens no! I could not take that! You need to let me down easy. Just call me and tell me she climbed on the roof".
"On the roof?"
"Well... then tell me everything is fine. Remember: let me down easy! So say 'The fire department came and is trying to get her down, but all is good, no worries'".
"Okay?"
"After 20 minutes, call me and say 'She fell off the roof but she is fine. I'm taking her to the vet just in case. All is good, no worries'". "THEN, after an hour call me and say 'The doctor says she is fine other than a broken rib, so we'll run a few tests. All is good, no worries.'" "When 30 minutes pass, call me and say 'She needed surgery, her rib caused some bleeding, but she is recovering nicely. I'll talk to you when we get home. All is good, no worries'".
"Oh boy, are you-"
"Then wait for 30 minutes, call me and say 'Hey man, I don't know how to say this but, she didn't make it. I'm so sorry'".
"Dude, are you done? I got it. If your cat dies, I'll let you down easy. No worries".
The man says goodbye to his cat and leaves. Upon arriving in South America, he gets a call from John. Visibly worried, he answers "What is it, is my cat okay!?"
"What? Yeah, she's fine."
"Really? Do you mean that?"
"Yeah man, all is good. No worries. It's just that... Your mother climbed on the roof."
7 short Jokes for the Weekend's Approach
What do clouds wear underneath their pants?
Thunderwear.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
He says “Doc I have been having really strange dreams for the last month”. Doc asks “Ok. What are the dreams?”. Bloke says “It’s like there is a football World Cup going on. Every night I see a football match but with donkeys! It’s driving me crazy! That’s all I think about all day”.
Doc smiles, thinks for a while, and says “Ok. Here is a prescription. Take 2 pills tonight before sleeping and you won’t have any of those dreams any longer.”
Bloke thanks the doctor profusely, gets up and walks to the door. He pauses, turns around and asks the doc “Doc if it is ok, can I start the medicine from tomorrow night?”. Doc looks puzzled and asks him “Why? Why not tonight?”. Bloke looks down and whispers “Tonight is the final”.
What’s your net worth?
However many fish it catches that day!
Before going away the neighbours gave me a spare key to feed their cat.
Poor thing choked to death on it.
I told my neighbours they could eat whatever they wanted when they housesat for me.
Damn, I miss that goldfish.
Did you hear about the bartender that pushed his wife off a cliff? He made a Bloody Mary on the rocks.
107 Funny Christmas Jokes and Puns 2023
Christmas jokes and puns from 2023, although some older jokes might slip through
If these 107 Christmas jokes is not enough for you, please find lot more of Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection
- What does the Gingerbread Man use to make his bed? Cookie sheets!
- What's Santa Claus's favourite track & field event? North Pole-vaulting!
- That sly smile on your face has me thinking you’re up to snow good.
- I didn't think this party would be such a drag; I'm snow bored.
- What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
- What did the peanut butter say to the grape on Christmas? This is the season to be jelly.
- What's Santa Claus's favourite type of potato chip? Crisp Pringles!
- All I want for Christmas is ewe.
- I'm pine-ing for you.
- Have snow fear—Christmas is here!
- Your presents are requested.
- Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
- What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
- I bought my son a refrigerator for Xmas – I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
- The moment you stop believing in Santa is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
- This fire is so cozy, the snuggle is real.
- I'll be ho-ho-home for Xmas.
- A round of Santa-plause, please.
- Happy howlidays! Hope Santa Paws brings you lots of treats.
- Sending you pugs and kisses this Christmas.
- Who delivers Christmas presents to pets? Santa Paws.
- Yappy Holidays and a Happy New Year.
- Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
- These decorations are tree-mendous.
- I only have ice for you.
- It is ice to meet you.
- Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
- How do dogs sing jingle bells? Dachshund through the snow…
- Merry Xmas. Hope it’s not too ruff!
- How do Chihuahuas say merry Christmas? iFleas Navidog.
- What did the dog say to the Xmas tree? Bark.
- Santa’s little yelper wants to wish you a Merry Christmas.
- Why was the dog upset about the Xmas tree? He was not even allowed to bring sticks into the house.
- Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.
- Paws a moment this Christmas to reflect on what the season is all about!
- What do you call a wet dog with a bell on his collar? Jingle smells!
- It is never chew late to wish you a Happy Holidays.
- If you’re lucky this Xmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.
- That look soots you.
- What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.
- Children who don’t learn to tie their shoes properly are bound to wind up on the knotty list.
- It is the most wonderful time for a beer.
- The festive season has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
- How do dogs decorate for Xmas? They deck the paws with bows of collie.
- What do you do when it’s raining cats and dogs? Nothing; as long as it does not reindeer.
- You sleigh me.
- I’ll never fir-get.
- In 2020, the best gift will be hand Santa-tizer.
- You’re the best person I snow.
- It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
- I love when candy canes are in mint condition.
- Rebel without a Claus.
- You’re my soul Santa.
- What do snowmen eat for lunch? Ice burgers!
- What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap.
- What do you call an old snowman? Water.
- Where do snowmen keep money? In a snow bank.
- What do you call Frosty the Snowman in May? A puddle!
- Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? Rude-alph!
- Why didn't the skeleton go to the Yule party? He had no-body to go with.
- What do you get if you combine Santa and a duck? A Xmas Quacker!
- What type of cars do elves drive? Toy-otas.
- When I think about you, I touch my elf.
- He is a fungi to be with.
- Eat, drink, and be tacky.
- I got my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s a real stocking filler!
- You’ve got balls coming in here dressed like that.
- What is the worst Christmas present? A broken drum, you can't beat it.
- Did you hear about the mall Santa who lost his job? He was fired for Clause.
- What do you call people who are afraid of Santa clause? Claustrophobic.
- How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he has visited? He keeps a log book.
- Why is Santa banned from sooty chimneys? Carbon footprints.
- What do you call a cow that lives in an igloo? An eskimoo.
- Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
- What kind of linens do gingerbread men put on their beds? Cookie sheets.
- Single bells, single bells, single all the way.
- What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
- Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They keep dropping their needles.
- Who hides in the bakery at Xmas? A mince spy.
- How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
- What do snowmen have for breakfast? Snowflakes.
- Eat, drink, and be meowy.
- Have a meowy Christmas.
- Merry catmas! Hope you have a Purr-fect Holiday season!
- May your days be meowy and bright.
- All I want for Xmas is mew.
- Here comes Santa Claws, here comes Santa Claws…
- Catty Canes.
- The tree and I are getting lit this Christmas.
- Are you oakay? Yes, I'm pine!
- I love hanging with you this season.
- Never fir-get how beautiful Christmas trees are.
- Have a tree-mendous Christmas.
- Hey DJ, drop the needles. Can I get a watt watt?
- I think my tree and I have a really good chemis-tree.
- Don’t forget that everyone is rooting for you.
- This year my tree is #ballin.
- Ornamentary, my dear Watt-son.
- Hey tree, do not leaf me hanging.
- Looking at you is like reading poetree.
- Birch, please.
- I love the festive season more than you think.
- Yes, I do consider myself a Christmas tree hugger.
- I’m having fun fir sure.
- I love you a whole watt.
- What a de-light you are to be around.
- Advice from a tree: stand tall and proud, go out on a limb, remember your roots, and drink plenty of water.
62 corny jokes to get you through Monday
- Do you have a Band-Aid? I have hurt myself while falling for you.
- You better direct that beauty elsewhere because you drive me up the wall.
- Girl, you're so stunning. I just forgot my pickup line.
- Your dad must be Liam Neeson because I'm Taken with you.
- If grapes make your skin beautiful, your home must be in a vineyard.
- How well did the phone propose to its girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
- You're like dandruff because I can't get you off my mind no matter how hard I try.
- Girl, do you know you're like asthma because you take my breath away?
- I am Microsoft. Can I crash at your place today?
- What do runners eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
- I know what you did last summer. Do you want to do the same during the winter?
- Hey honey, do you want to hear a joke about construction? Never mind, I'm still working on it.
- What did that little boat tell the yacht? Hey, can I interest you in a row-mance?
- What did the guy with the broken leg say to the nurse? I have a clutch on you.
- What do you call two birds that are in love? Tweet hearts.
- What do you call a person with a rubber toe? Roberto.
- Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
- Why should you not fall in love with a pastry chef? He will desert you.
- What name is given to a factory that only markets passable products? A satisfactory.
- What does a ghost call his friend? My ghoul friend.
- Knock knock? Who is there? Paul. Paul, who? I'm Paul, in love with you.
- Are you casting for Wonder Woman? Because I have the perfect role.
- Are you feeling guilty about global warming? Because your hotness is melting the world.
- Will you kiss me, or should I lie to my diary?
- Hey girl, is that an earthquake, or have you just shaken my world?
- It seems I am addicted to yes and am allergic to no. So what's it going to be?
- Do you believe in love on first sight, or should I pass by you again?
- I may not be a professional, but we would look cute together in a photo.
- Girl, I need CPR after seeing your face.
- My job is secure. No one else needs it.
- It would be best to never break up with a goalie because he's the keeper.
- Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Yes, it is on the 14th.
- What happened when two lovely vampires went on their first date? It was love at first bite.
- Why should you not marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
- What is the difference between marriage and love? Love is blind, while marriage is an eye-opener.
- My girlfriend works at the zoo. She is a keeper.
- I said I love you so much. I can't live without you. My girlfriend asked me, "Is it you talking or the beer?" I innocently answered her, "I was talking to the beer."
- Love is like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and you wondered about Y?
- Do you know love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them reaching their safe?
- Please don't laugh at your girlfriend's choices because you're one of them.
- I love to tell my girlfriend, the house boss, by holding the mirror before her face.
- I said to my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
- What did the cat say to her girlfriend? You're perfect for me.
- What do you call two cupids who are in love? A match made in heaven.
- What did one watermelon tell the other watermelon? You're the only one in melons.
- Why did the man accuse his wife of robbery? She stole his heart.
- Who has a date on Valentine's Day? The calendar.
- When you fall in love with a chef, you get buttered up.
- The hopeless romantic baker told his dough, I knead you.
- The tightrope walker found love through online dating.
- Is it hot in here, or are you busy raising the temperature?
- Girl, give me back my heart because it seems you stole it when I first set my eyes on you.
- Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had nobody to go with.
- What did the shark tell the other while eating clownfish? Wow, this tastes funny.
- Girl, what do you call a magician dog? Labracadabrador.
- What do you call a pony with a cough? A little hoarse.
- I saw two zombies on a date, and they said romance is dead.
- The lion broke up with his girlfriend since she was a cheetah.
- Your name must be WiFi because I am feeling a strong connection.
- Babe, you turn my floppy disk into a hard drive.
- What do you say to your single friends on Valentine's Day? Happy independence day.
- I told my boyfriend to text me when he reached home. He must be homeless.
31 Dad Jokes to Start the Week with a Smile on Your Face
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know…
Is there anything worse than when it’s raining cats and dogs?
Yes! Hailing taxis.
I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.
Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.
I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus,
but geometry is where I draw the line.
If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s OK, he woke up.
My manager told me to have a good day.
So I didn’t go into work.
Whoever stole my depression medication —
I hope you’re happy now.
I lost my job at the bank on my first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Why did the drum go to bed?
It was beat.
What do you call a rude cow?
Beef jerky.
How does a penguin build his house?
Igloos it together.
Which bear is the most condescending?
A pan-duh!
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
I’m afraid for the calendar.
Its days are numbered.
Have you ever had a bad sausage?
It’s the wurst.
What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie?
Sofishticated.
I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda.
It was more of a Fanta sea.
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.
I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction.
I could tell a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.
I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.
What’s the best kind of bird to work for at a construction company?
A crane.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know y.
I used to be a personal trainer.
Then I gave my too weak notice.
What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?
Live stream.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
“Bison!”
What kind of music do chiropractors like?
Hip pop.
Two guys walked into a bar.
The third guy ducked.
It’s inappropriate to make a dad joke if you’re not a dad.
It’s a faux pa.
25 jokes that blend well with coffee
A customer walks into a coffee shop. She asks the barista, “How much for a cup of coffee?”
The barista points to the menu and says, “Five dollars for a cup of coffee and refills are free.”
The customer responds, “Thanks. I’ll have a refill.”
Don’t ever let anyone tell you fairy tales aren’t real. I wake up every morning to drink a potion made from magic beans that brings me back to life.
Every morning, I see this exhausted woman who looks like she would murder someone for a cup of coffee. I really should move that mirror.
Q: What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee?
A: A mugging!
Q: Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?
A: Because he was pressed for time.
Q: What did the coffee addict name her cats?
A: Cream and Sugar.
Q: What did the coffee say about its late assignment?
A: Better latte than never!
Q: What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A: A depresso
Q: What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee?
A: Their friendship came to a bitter end.
Q: How are coffee beans like teenagers?
A: They are always getting grounded.
Q: What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before?
A: Déjà brew.
Thanks a latte for me being my friend
You mocha me very happy.
You’re brew-ti-ful.
A woman walks into a coffee shop carrying a big chunk of asphalt under her arm. At the counter she says, “I’ll take a large latte for myself, please, and one for the road.”
There are two types of people in this world: People who love Starbucks and liars.
If you replace your morning coffee with green tea ….You can lose up to 87% of what little joy you feel in the morning.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee.
Coffee and I are the perfect blend.
If the coffee is decaf, we’re gonna have a latte problems.
A tall blonde walks into Starbucks. The barista says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The blonde says, “You have a drink named Susan?”
Procaffeinating (n). – the tendency to not start anything until you’ve had your coffee.
I like my men like I like my coffee…Tall, dark and rich
5 new jokes from the High Plains Comedy Festival
I’m from Texas.
I don’t sound like it – because I learned to read.”
~Usama Siddiquee
I’m polyamorous.
That means I love cats and dogs equally.”
~Mishka Shubaly
Once you reach age 35, you are not allowed to go on vacation alone.
It creeps everybody out.”
~Graham Kay
I might have kids someday. I don’t know.
Right now, I dont have time to come home and let them out.”
~Beth Stelling
My boyfriend and I just went to a destination wedding.
… Yeah, it was in Hell.”
~Katie Hannigan
Chihuahua at the vets
A man brings his Chihuahua to the vet.They’re immediately taken to a room.
Soon, a Labrador walks in sniffs the Chihuahua, and leaves.
Then a cat comes in, stares at the dog, and leaves.
Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine, and hands the man a $250 bill.
"This must be a mistake," the man says.
"I’ve only been here 20 minutes!"
"No mistake," the doctor says.
"It’s $100 for the Lab test,
$100 for the cat scan,
and $50 for the medicine."
