The best jokes (1 to 15)

Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection...

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion...

Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please...

Follow Your Dreams

They told me, "Follow your dreams..."
So I went back to bed.

Money For the Man

Little Johnny rushes inside, out of breath and shouts, "Mother! Mother! Give me some money for the poor old man that's shouting along the road!"

His mother replies, "What is he shouting?"
"Ice creams! Come get your ice cream..."

Take the Books Too

The bank robbers tied and gagged the employees in one room and the manager in his office. On their way out they noticed the manager was making desperate noises to catch their attention.
Moved by curiosity, one of the burglars loosened the gag and heard the man’s plead, “Please take the books too, I’m $5000 short!”

My neighbor. She’s single. S...

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?”

I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”

“Great” she said. ”Can you watch my dog?”

Cure for a Cough

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him-he's afraid to cough!"

Bribe

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

Too Much Time Online

My wife says that I spend too much time talking to random people online.
What do you guys think?

Lovely Child

My wife said she'd like to have another baby...
I agreed. The one we have is starting to annoy me.

A man jumps the fence into a tiger enclosure...

Note from Mother

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read...
"The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

How Old?

When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers.
"Oh, you're four," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?"
The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger."

Lines

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. God came in and said,
"I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.
The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.
God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."   

Praying and Sleeping

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.
The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.
St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.
St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O’Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.
Father O’Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?
St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O’Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!

The Usual Question

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, he asked her the usual question, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my text?"