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Jokes of the day for Monday, 18 March 2024

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 18 March 2024

On Each Bicep

My wife won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly bear on each bicep...
She is infringing on my right to bear arms!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 November 2020
  • Currently 3.38/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (13)

Animal football

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.

Then came the second half...

First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.

The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.

"Who made that tackle?" asked the ant.

"I did," said the centipede.

Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss.

Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?" "I did," said the centipede.

Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.

Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?"

The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my shoes!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 April 2015
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

SLIDESHOW #62 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Heart Attack

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days To live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her Last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?"
God replied, "Girl, I didn't even recognize you."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 10 December 2014
  • Currently 8.73/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

Build Me a Bridge

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing's wrong,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 March 2015
  • Currently 8.87/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (116)

A lady walks into the drug sto...

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks, "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady says, "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason," says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says, "Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 18 March 2018
  • Currently 9.12/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (57)

Smart Blonde

A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 March 2015
  • Currently 7.83/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (52)

Instructions amiss

A man was having marital problems. So he went

to his shrink. The shrink says, "When you get

home, throw down your briefcase, run to her,

embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours,

and make mad passionate love to her."

In two weeks he was back in the shrink's office.

The shrink asked "How did it go?"

He said, "She didn't have anything to say,

but her bridge club got a kick out of it."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 18 March 2011
  • Currently 7.98/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (42)

Bubba and Bobby Joe

Bubba and Bobby Joe rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. Bubba said to Bobby Joe,

“Mark this here spot so that we can come back right here again tomorrow.”

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the Bubba asked Bobby Joe, “Bobby Joe, did you mark that there spot like ah tole ya?”

His friend replied, “Shore nuff, I put a big ole ‘X' on the bottom of the boat.”

“You stupid fool! Now, what we gonna do if we don't get that same boat today?!”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 30 November 2011
  • Currently 5.14/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (7)

Matt's dad picked him up from...

Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 17 December 2019
  • Currently 9.14/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (37)

Bear Jokes 02

Q: How do you hire a teddy bear?

A: Put him on stilts!

Q: What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle?
A: A polo bear!

Q: Why do polo bears like bald men?

A: Because they have a great, white, bear place!

Q: What do polo bears have for lunch?

A: Ice burger!

Q: What's a teddy bears favorite pasta?
A: Tagliateddy!

Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

A: They both have 'the' as their middle names!

Q: Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet?

A: It lives on ice!

Q: Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo?

A: Because they'd rather go to the cinema!

Q: What is a bear's favorite drink?

A: Koka-Koala!

Q: Why was the little bear so spoiled?

A: Because its mother panda'd to its every whim!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 09 May 2015
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

In Love

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With YOU!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"    

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 27 July 2015
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

Friday

SMILE it's a FRIDAY!
#joke #short #friday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 21 August 2015
  • Currently 8.75/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

A lot of problems

A lot of problems in the world would disappear if we would talk to each other instead of about each other!
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 20 February 2016
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Goddess of wisdom

Is the goddess of wisdom against all we stand for?
Yes, she’s an athena.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 31 May 2023
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Senior Citizen

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, ' I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked
"What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assh*les."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 18 July 2021
  • Currently 7.05/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (20)

Jokes Archive

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