Jokes of the day for Sunday, 08 February 2026
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 08 February 2026 |
Wanna play house?
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Stevie, wanna play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate."
He says to her, "that word is too big. I have no idea what it means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
Whenever
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there's an idiot pulling a door that says “push” 
9 Months Later
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
Coworker retired
A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He's the new temp. Seems like a cool guy.
Winter is here! Collection of 76 Winter Jokes
1. Why did the snowman hold up his arms?
He was told to freeze.
2. What did the black ice ask the car?
Wanna go for a spin?
3. How do you know when a snowman is scared?
He's sitting in yellow snow.
4. What did the mitten say to the hand?
I've got you covered.
5. Why did the reindeer have a limp?
He took a snowfall.
6. What's the difference between ice and icicle?
Ice has noel.
7. Why is a sled always discouraged?
It's continuously on a downward slide.
8. What do you call a cold thief?
A brrrr-glar.
9. Why was there a puddle in front of the fireplace?
A snowman was trying to warm himself.
10. What is the purpose of bundling up?
Anti-freeze.
11. How does Jack Frost keep warm?
With a thick blanket of snow.
Christmas is almost here, check out Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection
12. Why did the snowman leave?
He had a meltdown.
13. What happens when you catch a cold?
You get cabin fever.
14. Where does a snowman store his cash?
In a snowbank.
15. What is the best way to build a snow fort?
I-gloo it together.
16. Why does Frosty's wife look so young?
She uses cold cream on her face.
17. What happens when a mosquito lands on a snowman?
He gets frostbite.
18. Why did the two snowmen part ways?
One was just too flaky.
19. When is an igloo a bad investment?
During global warming.
20. What are little snowmen called?
Chill-dren.
21. What is a snowman's favorite breakfast cereal?
Frosted Flakes.
22. When does winter begin?
When autumn leaves.
23. How did the snowman get flattened?
Instead of his usual snow shower, he went for an avalanche.
24. Why are polar bears so big?
Because they snack on ice cream and snow cones.
25. How does a snowman lose weight?
He drinks only hot chocolate.
26. What has the best chance of surviving a fall?
Snow.
27. How does Jack Frost stay so thin?
He only eats iceberg lettuce.
28. How does Santa like his cookies?
With lots of ice-ing.
29. What fish do you catch in the winter?
Frozen fish sticks.
30. Why should you invite an ice fisherman to your party?
To help break the ice.
31. What is sure to stop a snowball fight?
A hail storm.
32. How does a snowman travel through town?
On bi-cicle.
33. Who is Frosty's favorite aunt?
Aunt Artica.
34. Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?
He was picking his nose.
35. What do you call a hot-tempered snowman?
A puddle.
36. How did the man feel after being buried under the avalanche?
A bit under the weather.
37. How did the snowman know he was getting sick?
He had the chills.
38. What type of beer is served in Iceland?
Only drafts.
39. How do mountain tops handle the cold?
They put on their snow caps.
40. What's easy to catch and hard to get rid of?
A cold.
41. Knock, knock. Who's there? Snow. Snow who?
Snow body.
42. When will you see snowmen dance?
At a snowball.
43. What did the snowman's wife put over the baby crib?
A snowmobile.
44. What gift should you never give a snowman?
An electric blanket.
45. How do you know when you have angered a snowman?
You'll get the cold shoulder.
46. What do you call a reindeer without eyes?
I have no eye deer.
47. What did a police officer ask a suspect in the Arctic?
Where were you the night of September to March?
48. What do you call 5 snowshoe hares bouncing backward in the snow?
A receding hare line.
49. Who protects snowmen?
Snow angels.
50. Why should you wear a helmet during a hail storm?
So you don't get knocked out cold.
51. Why are snowmen so well-behaved?
They don't want to end up in the greenhouse.
52. What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go on ahead and I'll just hang around.
53. How do snowmen get smarter?
From the winternet.
54. What do the elves eat for lunch in the North Pole?
Cold cuts and chilly.
55. What did one snowflake say to another?
Let's stick together.
56. How can you tell when a snowman is embarrassed?
He begins to slush.
57. What song do you sing to honor a snowman?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
58. What is the elf's favorite time at the workshop?
Snow and tell.
59. How do you defend yourself against a snowman?
With a heat gun.
60. What do you call a snapshot from the North Pole?
A polaroid.
61. Why is it easy to build a blonde snowman?
It's made up of flakes.
62. What do trees say after winter is over?
What a re-leaf!
63. Why do polar bears live by themselves?
They like the ice-olation.
64. Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot. You can easily catch a cold.
65. What do you call a penguin in the city?
Lost.
66. What does a snowman take when he's afraid of melting?
A chill pill.
67. What dilemma does a snowman with achy muscles have?
Wondering whether or not IcyHot rub is a good idea.
68. Why do reindeer have fur?
Because snowsuits don't fit them.
69. What are the chances of a white Christmas?
Pretty good. It's Decembrrrrr.
70. What happens when you cross a wizard with a blizzard?
You get a cold spell.
71. Why do ski socks never make plans?
They're afraid they'll get cold feet.
72. How do you stay warm in any room during the winter?
Go into a corner. It's always 90 degrees.
73. How do you get a snowman to disappear?
Give him a warm hug.
74. What happens when you ask Santa for money?
He leaves cold hard cash.
75. Why did the orchestra set up in the snow?
They wanted to play "cool jazz."
76. How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
News Bulletin – London – July 4, 2017
QUEEN OFFERS TO RESTORE BRITISH RULE OVER UNITED STATES
In an unexpected televised address on Saturday, Queen Elizabeth II offered to restore British rule over the United States of America. Addressing the American people from her office in Buckingham Palace, the Queen said that she was making the offer “in recognition of the desperate situation you now find yourselves in.”
“This two-hundred-and-forty-year experiment in self-rule began with the best of intentions, but I think we can all agree that it didn’t end well,” she said. The Queen urged Americans to write in her name on Election Day, after which the transition to British rule could begin “with a minimum of bother.”
Elizabeth acknowledged that, in the wake of Brexit, Americans might justifiably be alarmed about being governed by the British parliamentary system, but she reassured them, “Parliament would play no role in this deal. This would be an old-school monarchy. Just me, and then, assuming you’d rather not have Charles, we could go straight to William and those children of his who have mesmerized you so.”
Using the closing moments of her speech to tout her credentials, the Queen made it clear that she has never used e-mail and has only had sex with one person “very occasionally.”
Just in - The Above is Fake News - Following is the actual full text
In the light of your failure to govern yourselves with dignity, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Theresa May, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) has appointed former PM Tony Blair as minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up 'aluminium'. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise'. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up 'vocabulary'. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up 'interspersed'. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as 'US English'. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is 'Devon'. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become 'shires' e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as 'Men Behaving Badly' or 'Red Dwarf' will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, 'God Save The Queen', but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American 'football'. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American 'football' is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays 'American' football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American 'football', but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2018. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called 'rounders' which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. 'Merde' is French for 'Shit'. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called 'Indecisive Day'.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called 'crisps'. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as 'beer', and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as 'Lager'. The substances formerly known as 'American Beer' will henceforth be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Knat's Urine', with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as 'Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine'. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or 'Gasoline' as you will be permitted to keep calling it until July 10 2017) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
Cool Cat
A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself."
Stupid People Awards
It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).The 1997 nominees are:
NOMINEE No.1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE No.2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo,Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what. police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
NOMINEE No.3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson. 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
NOMINEE No.4 [UIPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto Skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
NOMINEE No.5 [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage(and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut, up in his, near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
NOMINEE No..6 [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
NOMINEE NO.7["The. Indianapolis Star"] A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
NOMINEE No.8 lAP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
NOMINEE No.9 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
NOMINEE No.10 [Associated Press, Kincaid] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tougue state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'II show you how to set it off."
Yet Another Darwin award candidate - or pair of candidates -- this just might be the winner!
Parking Spot
A guy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking spot.
Looking up to heaven, he said: "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking spot suddenly appeared.
The guy looked up again and said: "Never mind, I found one."
Tinder bio
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel.
My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
International Firefighters' Day jokes
International Firefighters' Day (IFFD) is observed on May 4. Check out some firefighters jokes.
What happened to the firefighter who wasn't doing well in his job?
He got fired!
Daddy, which letter firefighters hates the most?
R, son.
What do cops and firefighters have in common?
They both wanted to be firefighters.
Firefighters go to rescue a woman from an upper floor of a burning apartment building. The firefighters say look, we have two ways to get you out. We have this new technology that allows us to form a fireproof slide that can take you down the stairs. Or, you can just come out the window with us and go down the way we've always done it.
The lady says, "The former seems interesting, but I think I'll choose the ladder."
Working from home sucks...
....if you’re a firefighter.
Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station.
The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class:
"Does anyone know what this is?"
Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.
Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"
Firefighters recovered just the bottom of one shoe after the shoe factory burned down It was the sole survivor.