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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 23 May 2024

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 23 May 2024

A Redneck bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar...

A Redneck bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Redneck baby boy weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard.
A woman fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the proud father of an amazing Redneck baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"
The father drank the bottle of whisky at one go, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."
#joke #drinks #whisky
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 9.17/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (6)

A New Typeface

I’m working on a new typeface to be used for church bulletins...
I call it 'Baptismal Font.'

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 23 May 2021
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

Fallen...

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"

Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the roads and sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your own wife fell three times this week already, and your daughter fell twice!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 23 June 2015
  • Currently 7.33/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (12)

Check Up

So I went to the doctor last week for a check up, and the doctor was like "you have GOT to stop masturbating!" and I was like "oh no Doc! Why?!?"

And he said "because I'm trying to examine you!"

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 08 March 2015
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (16)

Chuck Norris, who had grown ti...

Chuck Norris, who had grown tired of easy victories in fights, once fought himself to the death and won.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 May 2011
  • Currently 3.02/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (59)

Patton Oswalt: Romantic Comedies

Every romantic comedy should just be called, Trying to F**k.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 May 2012
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (52)

Anger versus Exasperation

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.

“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….”

The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means.”

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”

The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 May 2012
  • Currently 8.02/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (48)

A man got really drunk one nig...

A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."
#joke #drinks #alcohol
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 May 2012
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (40)

Wanna Dance?

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."
"Oh I'm sorry," responded the underclassman, "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 23 May 2020
  • Currently 8.72/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (39)

Fill Oreos with white toothpaste

Grand April Fools' Day pranks, as impressive as they are, require careful planning. And though massive, meticulously planned pranks certainly gets a rise out of unlucky prankees, it's the subtle pranks that pack the most surprise.
#joke #short #aprilfoolsday #prank
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 14 March 2016
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Absentee Slips

In the HR department in the large corporation where I work, I receive absentee slips for all the employees.
Over the years I’ve heard every excuse, but the other day I found one in my voicemail that I never heard before.
“I won’t be in today,” said my absent coworker. “I’ll call back later with an excuse.”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 08 January 2019
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (13)

Well, He Wanted to Know

After years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, a young man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 11 October 2022
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

100% Polar bear

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"

"Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"

"Son, I'm 100% polar bear and your mother is 100% polar bear, so you're certainly 100% polar bear."

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear again turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I really need to know... am I really 100% polar bear?"

Distressed by this continued questioning, the father polar bear finally asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"

"Because I'm freezing to death out here!"

#joke #animal #bear #panda
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 22 December 2016
  • Currently 7.89/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (28)

Why is the letter B so cool?

Why is the letter B so cool?

Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC

This joke is around for a while in many versions, but this exact wording is by Reddit user DrumSpace

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 20 June 2019
  • Currently 4.27/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (15)

Knock Knock Collection 189


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Walt!
Walt who?
Walt till your father gets home!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Walter!
Walter who?
Walter-wall carpeting!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wanda!
Wanda who?
Wanda buy some Girl Scout cookies!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wannetta!
Wannetta who?
Wannetta time please!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Warner!
Warner who?
Warner you coming out to play!
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 05 October 2011
  • Currently 3.73/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (37)

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