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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 03 December 2024

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 03 December 2024

Conveyor Belt Job

During college, I worked on a conveyor belt. One day, I was on a blind date, and she asked me about my job.
"I work at the end of a belt," I said.
With an ebullient smile, she asked, "Are you the buckle?"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

I thought you were my wife...

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 02 January 2016
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

The guy says, before we go any...

The guy says, before we go any further, I should warn you that I'm hung like a baby.

His new husband looked a bit disappointed, but then said well thats ok, now I have something to tell you. This isn't really my penis, I use a little padding. He takes his clothes off and sure enough he is as small as a pea pod.

The guy then takes his pants off and this huge penis flops out. He stares in disbelief and says, I thought you said you were hung like a baby.

He says Yea, I am 16 inches, 7 1/2 pounds.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 03 December 2010
  • Currently 3.35/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (62)

Why was the Blonde fired from ...

Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's!
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 03 December 2009
  • Currently 5.61/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (61)

Chuck Norris invented the Caes...

Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 December 2011
  • Currently 3.45/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (53)

Carrot, Tomato, and ...

There's a carrot, a tomato, and a penis. The carrot said "I have the worst life of all. I get chopped up, put in a cake, and eaten."

The tomato says "No, I have the worst life of all. I get chopped up, put in a salad, and eaten".

Then the penis said, "I, my friends, have the worst life of all. I get a plastic bag shoved over my head, and then pushed back and forth into a warm tunnel until I choke!".

#joke #food #cake #salad #tomato #carrot
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 December 2011
  • Currently 3.36/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (53)

Dane Cook: Dropping Your Phone in Your Own Piss

Im in a new club, by the way. And I dont know if youre first timers like I am, but Im in the I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. Im on the phone and I forget that Im using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as Im standing there, mid-conversation, Im like Are you serious? and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 December 2011
  • Currently 2.78/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (51)

Ponderings Collection 09


Why call then hot water heaters if the water is already hot?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
#joke #animal #cat #cow #deer #drinks #milk
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 13 July 2016
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

Would you please do me a favour?

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.

Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 09 January 2015
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

High maintenance

My new landlady made a pass at me.
I declined, because I didn't want a Hi, mate tenants, relationship.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 May 2023
  • Currently 1.57/10

Rating: 1.6/10 (7)

Lewis Black: All the Candy Corn Ever Made

The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America thats never been advertised. And theres a reason -- all of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 30 October 2011
  • Currently 5.89/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (28)

Sounds more like a nightmare...

An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, " Wow! You wouldn't believe the dream I had..."

The wife replies, "Yes, go on tell me."

So the husband says "I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married."

The wife says, "Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare."

The husband says, "No, I am sure it was a dream."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 21 June 2017
  • Currently 7.62/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (21)

Hedonism among tropical fruits

There's a lot of hedonism among tropical fruits. It's always “Go, mango, guava good time!” But the next day they papaya the piper.
#joke #short #fruit #mango #food #papaya
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 12 July 2023
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

Diet rule No1

Diet rule No1
If nobody sees you eating it, it doesn't contain any calories.
#joke #short #food #eating
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 22 February 2016
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Lost Rooster

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation "Has anybody got a cock?" - all the men stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" - all the women stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." - half the women stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" - all the nuns stood up.             

#joke #animal #chicken #rooster
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 16 May 2015
  • Currently 6.43/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (14)

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