Jokes of the day for Thursday, 06 March 2025

Typical HR

"I proposed to my girl friend last night, who just got promoted to a HR position earlier in the day."
"That is cool! What did she say?"
She said, "We will get back to you soon."

Brave captain

One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue.

Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast.

The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.

Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said, "Bring me my red shirt."

The call was taken up at once by a cabin boy. As soon as Captain Smith had the shirt in his possession, he ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship.

In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was all but destroyed.

The sailors were recounting their individual triumphs afterwards when someone asked Captain Smith why he had asked for his red shirt before the battle.

He responded: "If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. This way, you would keep fighting no matter what happened to me."

The crew had a new found admiration for its captain, and they talked all night about his bravery.

About a week later, there loomed on the horizon 10 pirate ships. Once again, the crew looked to its captain for leadership.

Calmly, Captain Smith said, "Boys, bring me my brown pants!"

The juggler....

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

The Florist

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: 'Rest in Peace.'
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied:
'Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this - somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying: 'Congratulations on your new location!''

Tech line

The prime minister of India was at the White House.

One embarrassing moment was when President Bush said to the prime minister, 'Could you take a look at my computer?'

'I'm having some problems with it, I can't seem to get through on the tech line.'

A little boy comes down for br...

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” says the little boy.
His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast.
Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”

Natasha Leggero: Male Comics

Male comics are always coming up to me, and theyre like, Hey, Natasha, dont you think youre a little attractive to be a comedian? And Im like, Dont you think youre a little ugly to be talking to me?

The Israeli Archaeologist

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

Ben went on safari with his wi...

Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said Ben, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

An absent-minded husband thoug...

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary.
He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, when he came home, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"

What Is This?

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"

Water and Whiskey

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

I was out walking with my 4 ye...

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."
I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.

Knock Knock Collection 187

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Vivaldi!
Vivaldi who?
Vivaldi books, there's nothing to read!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Vlad!
Vlad who?
Vlad to meet you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Voodoo!
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Waddle!
Waddle who?
Waddle you give me if I go away!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wade!
Wade who?
Wade till next time!

Need Light

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.
The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"
"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."
The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"
"What? And work in the dark?"