Policeman jokes - jokes about policemen (1 to 15)

Coffee Jokes - to celebrate International Coffee Day

International Coffee Day takes place on October 1, an occasion to celebrate coffee as a beverage and have fun with Coffee Jokes

I like my coffee like “I like my coffee” jokes.
Not made by me.

Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it got mugged!

What do you call sad coffee?
A depresso.

How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.

Why are Italians so good at making coffee?
Because they know how to espresso themselves.

What did the coffee say to its date?
"Hey there, hot stuff!"

What's the best Beatles song about coffee?
"Latte Be."

Why did the barista get fired?
They kept showing up latte.

What do you call a cow who's just given birth?
De-calf-inated.

Check out some older Coffee Jokes on page 25 jokes that blend well with coffee

Why do coffee shops have bad Wi-Fi?
Because they want you to espresso yourself instead.

What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
"I don't have a problem; I have a solution."

How is divorce like an espresso?
It's expensive and bitter.

Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.

How does a tech guy drink coffee?
He installs Java.

Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch?
Because he was pressed for time.

What do you call it when you steal someone's coffee?
A mugging.

How are coffee beans like teenagers?
They're always getting grounded.

What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.

Why do programmers prefer dark coffee?
Because light attracts bugs.

What do you call it when coffee hurts you?
A brew-tality.

What do you call a newborn coffee bean?
A little squirt!

How does coffee relax after a long day?
It unwinds by brewing itself.

What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.

Why do coffee beans always show up early?
Because they get roasted!

Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?
He was pressed for time.

What’s a coffee’s favorite spell?
Espresso Patronum!

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.

What do you call a cow who just gave birth?
De-calf-inated.

How do programmers prefer their coffee?
They like it in Java.

Why do coffee lovers prefer dark roast?
Because light roast keeps them up at night.

What happens when you steal someone’s coffee?
It causes a mug shot!

Why was the coffee shop so quiet?
Because everyone was staying grounded.

I used to be a barista,
but I got fired for being too grounded.

What do you call a sleepy coffee bean?
A drowsy bean.

What do you call a coffee bean that can't sleep?
Caffeinated.

What do you call a coffee bean that's always late?
A tardy bean.

What do you call a coffee bean that's really small?
A tiny bean./p>

What do you call a coffee bean that's really strong?
A robust bean.

What do you call a coffee bean that's really weak?
A feeble bean.

So, officer, let me get this straight...

"So, officer, let me get this straight. You're telling me it's illegal to have 12 glasses of wine and fall asleep on a 5 hour flight? I wasn't rude or rowdy, I didn't yell at anyone. At least two of the passengers were more drunk than me and you didn't arrest them"

Arresting officer: "Well sir, that may be so, but you were the pilot"

Unclear Question

My house had been burglarized and the police were taking a report.
The policeman asked me, "Have you lived here all your life?"
I replied, "Hopefully, not yet!"

A car gets pulled over for inspection because...

A car gets pulled over for inspection because it's driving very slow on the interstate.

officer: ma'am, do you know how slow you were driving

woman: 25mph

officer: why were you driving so slow?

the woman: slow? There are signs everywhere that say I-25, so I was driving that speed.

officer: that's not a speed sign, it's the identification number of the interstate. license and registration, please.

As the driver reaches for the glove compartment, the officer sees the passenger sitting there, pale and shivering.

officer: are you okay? what's the problem?

passenger: we just got off the US-160

Cowabunga

Police are on the lookout after a man has been breaking into farms and stealing cows.
They are looking for a male with a large moo-stash.

How to report a crime

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me ." Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."

Falafel jokes - to celebrate International Falafel Day

June 12 is International Falafel Day. Celebrate it with Falafel Jokes

Whenever I see the word 'falafel,' I think 'feel awful.'
It's a serious problem... and I falafel about it.

I ate a bad vegetarian kebab for lunch.
Now I falafel.

A man was found dead in a vat of falafel dressing.
Police are treating it as a hummuscide.

Did you hear about the Grecian who ate a radioactive falafel?
He became a super-gyro.

Why did Allah give falafel and hummus to the Middle East?
They prayed for more gas.

Why did the falafel go to therapy?
It needed to sort out its chickpea issues.

Why did the falafel break up with the pita bread?
It just couldn't handle the "wrapping" pressure.

What did the falafel say to the indecisive tahini?
"Make up your mind, you're too saucey for me."

A woman found out her husband was cheating...

A woman found out her husband was cheating.
So she grabbed a large knife, intending to cut off his penis while he slept. She lifted the blanket and raised the knife over her head. But as she swung it down, he moved slightly and she ended up chopping off his leg instead.
The husband called the police, and they arrested her for assault and attempted murder. But given all the circumstances, the judge decided that she was only guilty of a misseddewiener.

A man is transporting a coffin when his car breaks down...

A man is transporting a coffin when his car breaks down.

He pulls over and after messing about with the engine trying to fix it, covering himself in oils and grime, he calls for a mechanic, they tell him they can come in just under an hour to asses the situation.

Dismayed, he also calls his boss to let him know what has happened. His boss informs him that the destination of delivery is simply up the road and asks him to carry the coffin the rest of the way. Upset but recognising the fact that he has nothing better to do, he picks up the coffin and starts dragging it with him up the road. A police officer sees this and approaches him, asking "what are you doing with that coffin? Where are you going?".

Already upset with the situation, the man responds, "I didn't like where they buried me, so I'm moving!"

A guy from the New York City was cruising...

A guy from the New York City was cruising at high speed down a Georgia back road he crested a hill and hit 2 hitchhiking hippies.

One flew 50 feet off the road and into a field, the other smashed through the windshield ending up in the back seat. The sheriff showed up and the very nervous New York City guy asked the sheriff what the charges might be.

After the sheriff surveyed the scene and noted the two were long haired hippies he turned to the NYC guy and said, “well we’ll charge the first one with leaving the scene of an accident and the second one with breaking and entering.

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro rol...

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro roll up to an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy, the officer, halts them and sternly declares, "It's illegal to cram five people into a Quattro. 'Quattro' means four."
The Englishman, incredulous, retorts, "Quattro is just the name of the car! Check the papers: it's designed for five."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You've got five folks in there; it's against the law."
The Englishman, now irate, demands, "Get your supervisor! I need someone with more intelligence!"
Paddy quips back, "Sorry, Murphy's tied up with two blokes in a Fiat Uno.

Use this one yourself

3 top surgeons are sitting in a bar in _fill_in_your_city_.
One triumphantly says: “man, I still can’t believe it. Today a man came into the hospital ER with his hand completely cut off and we were able to put it all back together and his hand is fully functional.”
The second one says: “dude, that’s nothing… yesterday a woman came in with her entire leg amputated, carrying the leg under her arm. We stitched her back together and she walked right out of the hospital.
The third one, stares a bit.. then says: “pfft, bunch of losers, last week the police found an enormous humongous d*ck besides the road, they brought it in. We found a couple of arms and legs and stitched them to the sides. Sort of functional again, we gave him a name and he even found a job.”
“No way”, the others said.
The third says: oh yea, _fill_in_co-workers_name_, now works at _fill_in_company_name_ as _fill_in_job/function/position_.

Short jokes for sunny Tuesday

Why is "dark" spelled with a "k" and not a "c"?
Because you can't C in the dark!;

A recent study has shown that women who carry extra weight,
tend to live longer
than the men who mention it!

I was so confused last night, as my printer was playing music.
Turns out my paper was just jamming.

Guys I need your help. In the middle of an argument with the wife she told me that I'm right…
What the hell do I do next?

I knew it was bad news when my friend said "you know our favorite dentist…"
I had to brace myself.

I don’t know if tampons are the best invention ever..
…but they’re definitely up there!

My doctor ordered me to take a blood test...
I got an A-. Not too bad.

Can a ninja throw a star?
SHUR-HE-CAN.

If you were born legs first,
for a small moment you were wearing your mum as a hat!

Liverpool police stopped a car & were amazed to find it taxed,
full MOT & insured.
It wasn't stolen, there were no stolen goods or drugs.
The driver was sober & had a full clean licence...
A police spokesman said,
"We had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time!"

Guy driving along the highway at 70mph,
sees a chicken running along side keeping up.
Crazy enough the chicken has three legs! Punches it to 80,
chicken stays with it then cuts off down a country road.
Guy follows it into the driveway of a farm, sees the farmer.
"Did you see a three legged chicken speed in here"?
"Yeah that's mine.
I breed them that way because me, my wife, and my son all like drumsticks"
the farm tells the driver.
"Wow that's amazing how do they taste?" the guy asks.
"Dunno"
said the farmer "never caught one before".

The Dead Baker

Why couldn't the police identify the dead baker?
He was a John Dough!

Missing Taxi Driver

Magistrate: "What was he doing when you arrested him?"
Policeman: "He was arguing with a taxi driver, Your Honor."
Magistrate: "That is no proof he was drunk."
Policeman: "Well, Your Honor, there was no taxi driver there."