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Animal jokes

Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 1 to 15.

Panda Thief

Why did the panda steal my socks?
Because he had bear feet!

#joke #short #animal #bear #panda
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Bar None

During a terrible snowstorm a St. Bernard was sent out with his usual keg of brandy to find a lost hiker.
Two hours later, the dog came back to the rescue center with his little barrel empty and a note tucked under his collar.
Curious, the chief took the note, revealing it to say, "Enjoyed the brandy. Next time, please send a double!"

#joke #animal #dog
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

25 Running Jokes - to celebrate Global Running Day

Every year on the first Wednesday in June, people across the U.S. participate in Global Running Day. Celebrate the occasion with some running jokes to keep the fun in your run!

Why did the DJ get disqualified from the 400m sprint?
He kept changing tracks.

How did the Robot break the 400m world record?
There was short circuit!

How did the barber win the race?
He took a shortcut.

Why did the marathoner constantly play a prank on his team mate?
Because it was a running joke.

Why do runners go jogging early in the morning?
They want to finish before their brain figures out what they are doing.

How do you know your a dedicated runner?
When your treadmill has more miles on it than your car.

What do you call a free treadmill?
OUTSIDE!

What’s a sprinter’s favourite takeaway?
McDonald’s.
They love fast food!

What do a dentist and a track coach have in common?
They both use drills!

Why are the President and Vice President so fit?
Because they are running mates.

Where did the Helsinki Marathon end?
At the Finnish line.

Why shouldn't runners use a treadmill?
It'll get them nowhere!

Why did no one think Cinderella was a serious athlete?
Because everybody knew her coach was a pumpkin.

Why don’t sprinters have long careers?
Because they’re only good in the short run.

What does a runner lose after winning a race?
Their breath!

Why did the orange stop running?
It ran out of juice.

What do you call a half-marathoner?
Half crazy.

What do you call a steep hill that runners love to race up?
The psycho-path.

Why happened to the tomato that fell behind in the race?
It had to ketchup.

What happens when you run in front of a car?
You get tired.

What do you get when you jog behind a car?
Exhausted!

Why don’t they allow animals in the marathon?
Because they aren’t part of the human race.

What do sprinters snack on before the race?
Nothing, they fast!

The snowman had to give up running eventually.
He just couldn’t warm up.

The long-distance runner had a real fear of speed bumps on the road.
He’s slowly getting over it.

#joke #prank #animal #fruit #orange #food #tomato #drinks #juice #sport #jogging #athlete
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Corgi Jokes - to celebrate International Corgi Day

We celebrate International Corgi Day on June the 4th. Get involved in International Corgi Day, tell a Corgi Joke!

Q: Why are most corgi jokes such bad jokes?
A: Because they’re too short.

Q: What do you call a corgi that is overweight?
A: Low-fat

Q: Why do corgis react so violently when their food is touched?
A: Because they have a short fuse.

Q: What do you call a corgi owner who instructs his canine companion in dance?
A: A corgi-o-grapher.

Q: How do corgis unlock doors?
A: By using a Corg-key

Q: When it’s cold outside, what does a corgi wear?
A: The cordigan

Q: What do you call a dog from New Mexico?
A: An Albu-corgi.

Q: Why are corgis such excellent hunting companions?
A: They are in-corg-nito because concealment is not necessary.

Q: Why do corgis enjoy going to the mall?
A: Because they want their tail to come back.

Q: What occurs when a corgi is connected to a battery?
A: A short circuit occurs.

Q: If a corgi dresses up as one of the Avengers for Halloween, what would you call him?
A: One Thorgi.

Q: When other dogs eat their food, why do corgis grow aggressive?
A: Because they are short-tempered dogs.

Q: Why did the corgi sit in the shade on a hot day?
A: Because it didn’t want to be a “hot dog.”

Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Two Mongooses

A zookeeper is ordering new animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese”. That doesn’t look quite right, so he tries two mongoose, and then two mongooses.
Giving up, he types, “One mongoose, and while you’re at it, send another one.”

Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

Desperate after three bad months of sales at Kentucky Fried Chicken

The famous Colonel called up the Pope and asks him for a favor. "What can I do for you?" Said the Pope. The Colonel said, "Holy father, I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do that, I swear I will donate $10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replied, "I am very sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and it isn't something I can just change the words for." So the Colonel, disappointed, hung up.

After another month of bad sales, the Colonel panicked, and called again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responded, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gave up again. After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel got desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replied, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope called together all of his bishops and said, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoiced at the news. Then one asked about the bad news. The Pope replied: "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

#joke #animal #chicken #food #bread #father
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 9.55/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (11)

Memorial Day jokes for 2024

Observed on the last Monday in May every year, Memorial Day is a federal holiday in the United States that honors and remembers those who have died while serving in the military.
Enjoy these light-hearted jokes to add some fun to your Memorial Day!

Why did the soldier bring a ladder to the barbecue?
He wanted to raise the steaks!

What do army guys say when they forget Memorial Day?
Ah, shoot!

What is your favorite Memorial Day tradition?
Spilling BBQ sauce on white pants.

Which day do Alzheimer's patients forget?
Memorial Day.

A small boy was staring at the names on a wall.
The pastor explained,
"They are those who died in the service."
The boy asked,
"The 9 o'clock service or the 11 o'clock?"

What's a cow's favorite Memorial Day activity?
Going to the moo-vies!

Why are there no knock-knock jokes on Memorial Day?
Because freedom rings!

Did you hear about the man who got his car's AC fixed after Memorial Day?
He came back singing "Freon isn't Free."

Why don't soldiers play hide and seek on Memorial Day?
Because good luck hiding when everyone's off duty!

What is the best Memorial Day Sales pitch?
To remember the millions of brave soldiers who died for our country, we're giving you 30% off on all corduroy pants and toaster ovens.

What's the favorite thing about Memorial Day for employees?
Saying to co-workers, "See you next Tuesday."

What do army guys read on Memorial Day?
Magazine.

On Memorial Day, the teacher asked the students, "Do you know why God created wars?"
Someone among students: To teach us, geography?!

How can you offend a close relative of a fallen soldier on Memorial Day?
Wish them "Happy Memorial Day."

Do you know that The Air Force is the most patriotic arm of the US military?
Because they're USAF.

What fruit do soldiers hate?
The Pommegranade.

In the military, how do you refer to children?
Infantry.

#joke #doctor #monday #animal #cow #fruit #food #steak
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

A beautiful princess comes upon a frog...

A beautiful princess comes upon a frog in a meadow near her castle. The frog hops into the princess' lap and says, "My lady, one kiss from you, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I once was, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever be happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dines on lightly sauteed frog legs, she chuckles to herself, "I don't f**kin' think so."
#joke #animal #bear #frog #food #meal #mother
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 9.17/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (6)

Many Uses for A Brush

Husband: "My shaving brush is very stiff now. I wonder what is wrong with it?"
Wife: "I don't know. It was nice and soft when I painted the bird cage yesterday."

#joke #short #animal #bird
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.26/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (19)

A Pygmy with a club

An adventurer travels through the jungle and is suddenly confronted by an unusual sight: fallen trees and trampled vegetation as if something gigantic has forced its way through. He decides to investigate.

After walking for a few minutes, he sees a dead elephant lying on its side and a pygmy jumping up and down with excitement on top of the fallen elephant. The adventurer inquires as to what is going on.

"The elephant, sir," explains the pygmy. "The elephant has gone mad. 'Tis terrible. Elephants are wise and friendly, but when an elephant goes mad, it destroys everything in its path. It cannot be reasoned with, no sir, and it cannot be helped in any way. Unfortunately, when it happens, the elephant has to be put down."

The adventurer inquires, "But how did you kill such a gigantic animal?"

"I killed it with a club," helpfully explains the pygmy.

"It must have been a big club," observes the adventurer.

"Yes, sir, a very big club indeed," says the pygmy. "We have over 300 members!"

Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 9.50/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (10)

The Englishman

A British gentleman in the late 1800's was born to a poor family but through grit and determination begged, borrowed and stole his way to financial success. Always obsessed with climbing the social ladder he even courted then married a woman from a rich family. Through her family he was able to get into a very prestigious gentlemen's club where he could rub elbows with wealthiest of wealthy. He knew this was one of his best opportunities because for all his hustle he knew he wasn't what was considered "old money" and thus never able to rise higher than he was.

One night while at the club he overhears some gentleman talking. One tells a story of going on an African safari where he killed a lion, the head of which he had mounted and placed in his study. A second gentleman mentions a trip to the Yukon to investigate their gold prospecting operation and while there he downed a large elk whose antlers he mounted above the fireplace in his living room. A third gentleman tells a story about going to their estate in India where he killed a tiger from the back of an elephant and had it made into a rug he put in his bedroom.

Our British gentleman hears these stories and realizes that to keep up appearances he will need to take an excursion and down some sort of big game himself. So he makes arrangements, getting supplies and chartering a ship to Africa. Once arriving he finds a guide who speaks English and some other men to carry his belongings and they make their way into the dark jungle.

As they trek through the jungle, cutting down the heavy foliage with machetes, they begin to hear a sound in the distance. As the get further in the British gentleman begins to make out that it's the sound of drumming, and assumes that it's some local tribe having some sort of celebration, and as his companions don't seem concerned he assumes it's not something that will become an issue.

As they progress through the jungle and the day becomes late the drumming has increased in volume and intensity. After making camp and preparing their meals the Englishman is getting a bit nervous and asks the guide if the drumming is something they should be concerned with. The guide waves a hand and says "Not to worry. The only time to worry is if the drumming stops."

During the next day as they make their way through the jungle the drumming continues to intensify. By the time they make their camp on the second night the drumming has grown so loud that it's drowning out every other noise in the jungle. No birds, insects, nothing can be heard.

Very suddenly, the drumming stops, absolutely stone cold silence. The Englishman bolts up frantically grabbing the guide and asks "That's bad isn't it? You said the drumming stopping was bad!?"

The guide shakes his head and says "It's absolutely terrible. It means it's time for the accordion solo."

#joke #animal #bird #tiger #lion #elephant #food #meal
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Guy dies and finds himself standing in front of Satan...

Guy dies and finds himself standing in front of Satan.
He says, "Oh no, am I..."
Satan says, "Yes, you are. But it's not as bad as you think. Let me give you the tour."
Guy looks around and sees that they are in a grassy field with rolling hills, chirping birds, bunny rabbits hopping around, for as far as the eye can see.
They start walking. Satan points to the right and says, "Over there is the sports center. There are three arenas, an Olympic sized pool, tennis courts, an 18 hole PGA approved golf course, and more. You can watch or participate in any one, any time you want."
Satan continues. "On the left is the theater district. Every movie and and Broadway show ever produced can be enjoyed there 24 hours a day."
Then he points ahead. "The marina is down there, where any sized craft from a dinghy to an aircraft carrier, fully crewed, is available for you."
As they proceed, they pass a fenced off area filled with molten lava all the way to the horizon. In it are hundreds of millions of people, drowning and screaming in agony.
Guy says, "See, now that's what I expected Hell to be like."
Satan replies, "Nah, we just keep that for the Christians. They seem to like it for some reason."
#joke #animal #rabbit #bunny #bird #sport #tennis #golf #olympic
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Chasing His Tail

As I watched my dog chasing his tail, I thought how easily dogs are amused...
Then, I thought how easily amused I am watching my dog chase his tail.

Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.36/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (22)

Parrot Talk

An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."
"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear."
"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."

#joke #short #animal #bird #parrot #pet
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

Short jokes for sunny Tuesday

Why is "dark" spelled with a "k" and not a "c"?
Because you can't C in the dark!;

A recent study has shown that women who carry extra weight,
tend to live longer
than the men who mention it!

I was so confused last night, as my printer was playing music.
Turns out my paper was just jamming.

Guys I need your help. In the middle of an argument with the wife she told me that I'm right…
What the hell do I do next?

I knew it was bad news when my friend said "you know our favorite dentist…"
I had to brace myself.

I don’t know if tampons are the best invention ever..
…but they’re definitely up there!

My doctor ordered me to take a blood test...
I got an A-. Not too bad.

Can a ninja throw a star?
SHUR-HE-CAN.

If you were born legs first,
for a small moment you were wearing your mum as a hat!

Liverpool police stopped a car & were amazed to find it taxed,
full MOT & insured.
It wasn't stolen, there were no stolen goods or drugs.
The driver was sober & had a full clean licence...
A police spokesman said,
"We had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time!"

Guy driving along the highway at 70mph,
sees a chicken running along side keeping up.
Crazy enough the chicken has three legs! Punches it to 80,
chicken stays with it then cuts off down a country road.
Guy follows it into the driveway of a farm, sees the farmer.
"Did you see a three legged chicken speed in here"?
"Yeah that's mine.
I breed them that way because me, my wife, and my son all like drumsticks"
the farm tells the driver.
"Wow that's amazing how do they taste?" the guy asks.
"Dunno"
said the farmer "never caught one before".

#joke #policeman #doctor #animal #chicken
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

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