Animal jokes

Funny Friday the 13th Jokes to Brighten Your Day

On Friday the 13th, I dreamt that a horse in armor was chasing me.
It was a Knightmare.

What’s the scariest thing to do on Friday the 13th?
Check your bank account.

Read more on page: 22 Friday The 13th Jokes

I don't have to be Freddie Krueger...
to be the man of your dreams.

Monday the 13th
sounds much worse than Friday the 13th.

Why don't mathematicians fear Friday the 13th?
Because they know it's just another irrational fear.

A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar...

The bartender points to a sign that says, "NO JOKES SERVED HERE" and asks them to leave. They head out without a word.

The next day, a horse walks in. Same deal—bartender points to the sign, and with a long face, the horse leaves.

The following day, a chicken walks in. The bartender points to the sign again and says, "Sorry, no jokes served here."

The chicken, annoyed, asks, "Fine, but where can I get a drink?"

The bartender replies, "There's a bar across the road."

My Son, the Chicken

"Doctor, I have a son who thinks he's a chicken," said the man.
"Why don't you bring him in for treatment?" asked the doctor.
"We need the eggs," replied the man.

A Vegan and A Programmer

What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?
One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by a lack of RAM.

Educated Owl

What does an educated owl say?
Whom... Whom...

Quick Friday laugh - two short IT jokes

Me: You know, since it doesn't have a tail, I'm pretty sure it is actually a hamster.
Tech support: Okay sir. Please right-click your hamster...

It was sad to read that the guy who invented the computer mouse died.
Police suspect witchcraft as everyone they have spoken to have placed the cursor on him.

Top 15 jokes of the 2024 Edinburgh Fringe

I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it.
- Mark Simmons

I've been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don't feel like I'm progressing. It's just one step forward... two steps back.
- Alec Snook

Ate horse at a restaurant once - wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful.
- Alex Kitson

I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it.
- Arthur Smith

I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.
- Mark Simmons

My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes.
- Olaf Falafel

British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons?
- Chelsea Birkby

I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I've cracked it.
- Masai Graham

My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had.
- Zoë Coombs Marr

The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati.
- Olaf Falafel

I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’.
- Sarah Keyworth

I've got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I'd never bought her that vineyard.
- Roger Swift

Gay people are very bad at maths. We don't naturally multiply.
- Lou Wall

Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher.
- Sophie Duker

Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people.
- Olga Koch

Scary TV

A cow and a pig are watching TV.
Pig: "Wanna watch something scary?"
Cow: "Okay by me."
So the pig changes channel to the Food Network.

How Do I Get It To Slow Down

To get his mind off his losing streak at the racetrack, I took my friend horseback riding. Being a novice, he freaked when his horse took off.
"How do I get it to slow down?!" he yelled.
"Bet on it!" I hollered back.

A man walks into a pub with a rat on his shoulder

Landlord says "Uh, mate, you can't have that rat in here."

Man replies "Ah don't worry. You see, he's a special rat, he could out drink any man in this pub. Give me a pint and I'll show you."

The landlord is sceptical, but he brings the rat a pint. The man takes the rat off of his shoulder and dunks him into the pint. The rat swims around the glass and in seconds, the beer is gone.

This attracts the attention of the other patrons, and before long, everyone in the pub is buying drinks for the rat. He gets more pints and drains them all. One man buys him multiple shots, and the rat dips his head in each and downs them all.

After several rounds, the landlord says "alright, let's really put this rat to the test."

He gathers several bottles, and leads the patron upstairs to his bathroom, before filling the bathtub with spirits. The man plops the rat down in the bath, and the rat happily drains it, before keeling over, dead.

The man begins to weep. "My sweet friend, I can't believe he's gone."

The landlord places a hand on his shoulder to comfort him. "He was a truly unique creature. May we honour him by hanging his tail above the bar?" The man accepts this request, and the landlord cuts off the rat's tail, then takes it and hangs it above the bar.

Meanwhile, the rat floats on up to the pearly gates and is met by Mouse St. Peter, who invites him into Mouse Heaven.

"Hang on," says the rat, "I can't go to mouse heaven, I'm supposed to go to rat heaven."

Mouse St. Peter chuckles, looking the rat up and down, "why would you go to rat heaven? You're clearly a mouse. If you were a rat, you'd have a great stinking tail."

"You don't understand," says the rat, "some bloke on earth took my tail when I died. Look, if you could just send me back for a moment, I can get my tail back and prove to you I should be in rat heaven."

Mouse St. Peter thinks for a moment, then snaps his fingers, and suddenly the rat, now a ghost, is back in the bathtub. He scuttles back down to the bar, where he finds the landlord closing up.

"You there, landlord!" says the rat, "I need my tail back so I can get into rat heaven!"

The landlord, startled by the presence of a rat he thought to be deceased, stares at the rat in disbelief. "Y-you're supposed to be dead!"

"I know," says the rat, "and if you can just get me my tail, I'll be on my way."

The landlord looks to the rat, then to the tail behind the bar.

"I'm sorry my furry friend, I'd love to help, but I'm afraid I can't serve spirits after hours."

Lizard Jokes - to celebrate World Lizard Day

August 14th is World Lizard Day. Get involved with celebrating World Lizard Day by sharing some Lizard jokes

I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn’t stop telling dad jokes.
That’s not a lizard, the store clerk told me.
That’s a stand-up chameleon

I saw a lizard ...
and it became a spotted lizard

What do lizards like to eat with their hamburgers?
French flies

Why did the lizard go on a diet?
Because it was overweight according to its scales.

What do lizards put on their kitchen floors?
Rep-tiles

What is a reptile’s favorite movie?
The Lizard of Oz

What’s a lizard’s favorite sport?
Cricket.

What did the mom chameleon say to her nervous kid on the first day of school?
“Don’t worry, you’ll blend right in!”

Why are lizards so mean and selfish?
Because they are too cold-blooded.

What is a gecko who knows magic called?
A: A Lizard Wizard.

A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.
Walks into a bar
He goes up to the barman and says:
I'll have a pint please and a gin and tonic for Tiny here
The barman starts making the drinks and asks
Why do you call him Tiny?
The guy says:
Because he's my newt.

Why the Big Pause?

A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and...(pause)...... cola."
"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender.
The bear shrugged, "I'm not sure, I was born with them."

18 Lion Jokes, to Celebrate World Lion Day

Roaring with Laughter: 18 Lion Jokes to Celebrate World Lion Day on August 10th and Raise Awareness for Their Conservation

What's the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A lion won't golf.
But a Tiger wood.

What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing, he was gladiator.

Why don’t lions like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!

How does a lion stop a video?
He presses paws.

How does a lion greet the antelope it meets on the savannah?
“Pleased to eat you!”

Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal!

What happened to the lion who ate the comedian?
He felt funny!

Why don’t lions play cards in the wild?
Because of all the cheetahs!

What do you call a slow and clumsy lion?
A snailion.

What do you call a lion powered by a battery?
A Li-on.

What does a lion call his barber?
His mane man.

What do you call a lion that has eaten your mother’s sister?
An aunt-eater!

What do you call a lion at the North Pole?
Lost.

What does the lion say to his family before they eat a meal?
“Let us prey.

” Why was the lion always invited to the party?
Because he was a real mane attraction! What do you call a lion that doesn't lie?
A not-lion.

What do Christian lions say before they go hunting?
Pray for your supper.

What do you get when you cross a lion with a snowman?
A cold snap.

What lion will never roar?
A dandelion...

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean...

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (Editor's note: The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted,"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian!"

Tickle Your Tuesday: 11 Hilarious Jokes to Brighten Your Day

I really enjoy hearing all of the national anthems played at the Olympics.
I love country music.

In this hot weather, I find the best way to keep cool is to strip off and stand in front of an open refrigerator…
Now I'm banned from Asda, Sainsbury's and Morrisons!

Me: No.
Son: Hmm. I feel like maybe you're not committed to that no.
I'm gonna ask 684 more times to be sure.

My wife had a few glasses of wine and was yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church! He’s in there, you moron!”
So I asked her if we could watch something other than our wedding video?

What do a small pair of underpants and a small dancefloor have in common
No ballroom.

A friend just gave me a bag of sugar as a gift…
I thought it was very sweet!

Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.
That should make the cremation a little more interesting.

Took a girl to a French restaurant, she had frog's legs and chicken breasts.
But her personality was nice.

I just watched a documentary on marijuana...
I think all documentaries should be watched this way

I don’t often roll a joint,
but when I do it’s my ankle.