Animal jokes (16 to 30)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 16 to 30. |
A woman meets a man in a bar . . .
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly Teddy Bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall. It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
But, she doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Just maybe, this could be the future father of my children. She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly and they continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says -- 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
Coffee Jokes - to celebrate International Coffee Day
International Coffee Day takes place on October 1, an occasion to celebrate coffee as a beverage and have fun with Coffee Jokes
I like my coffee like “I like my coffee” jokes.
Not made by me.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it got mugged!
What do you call sad coffee?
A depresso.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why are Italians so good at making coffee?
Because they know how to espresso themselves.
What did the coffee say to its date?
"Hey there, hot stuff!"
What's the best Beatles song about coffee?
"Latte Be."
Why did the barista get fired?
They kept showing up latte.
What do you call a cow who's just given birth?
De-calf-inated.
Check out some older Coffee Jokes on page 25 jokes that blend well with coffee
Why do coffee shops have bad Wi-Fi?
Because they want you to espresso yourself instead.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
"I don't have a problem; I have a solution."
How is divorce like an espresso?
It's expensive and bitter.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
How does a tech guy drink coffee?
He installs Java.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch?
Because he was pressed for time.
What do you call it when you steal someone's coffee?
A mugging.
How are coffee beans like teenagers?
They're always getting grounded.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Why do programmers prefer dark coffee?
Because light attracts bugs.
What do you call it when coffee hurts you?
A brew-tality.
What do you call a newborn coffee bean?
A little squirt!
How does coffee relax after a long day?
It unwinds by brewing itself.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Why do coffee beans always show up early?
Because they get roasted!
Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?
He was pressed for time.
What’s a coffee’s favorite spell?
Espresso Patronum!
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What do you call a cow who just gave birth?
De-calf-inated.
How do programmers prefer their coffee?
They like it in Java.
Why do coffee lovers prefer dark roast?
Because light roast keeps them up at night.
What happens when you steal someone’s coffee?
It causes a mug shot!
Why was the coffee shop so quiet?
Because everyone was staying grounded.
I used to be a barista,
but I got fired for being too grounded.
What do you call a sleepy coffee bean?
A drowsy bean.
What do you call a coffee bean that can't sleep?
Caffeinated.
What do you call a coffee bean that's always late?
A tardy bean.
What do you call a coffee bean that's really small?
A tiny bean./p>
What do you call a coffee bean that's really strong?
A robust bean.
What do you call a coffee bean that's really weak?
A feeble bean.
Funny Friday the 13th Jokes to Brighten Your Day
I don't worry about Friday the 13th.It's bad luck to be superstitious.
On Friday the 13th, I dreamt that a horse in armor was chasing me.
It was a Knightmare.
What’s the scariest thing to do on Friday the 13th?
Check your bank account.
Read more on page: 22 Friday The 13th Jokes
Whats a good pasta to make on Friday the 13th?Fettuccine Afraid-O.
I don't have to be Freddie Krueger...
to be the man of your dreams.
Monday the 13th
sounds much worse than Friday the 13th.
Why don't mathematicians fear Friday the 13th?
Because they know it's just another irrational fear.
A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar...
A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar.The bartender points to a sign that says, "NO JOKES SERVED HERE" and asks them to leave. They head out without a word.
The next day, a horse walks in. Same deal—bartender points to the sign, and with a long face, the horse leaves.
The following day, a chicken walks in. The bartender points to the sign again and says, "Sorry, no jokes served here."
The chicken, annoyed, asks, "Fine, but where can I get a drink?"
The bartender replies, "There's a bar across the road."
Quick Friday laugh - two short IT jokes
Me: You know, since it doesn't have a tail, I'm pretty sure it is actually a hamster.
Tech support: Okay sir. Please right-click your hamster...
It was sad to read that the guy who invented the computer mouse died.
Police suspect witchcraft as everyone they have spoken to have placed the cursor on him.
Top 15 jokes of the 2024 Edinburgh Fringe
I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it.
- Mark Simmons
I've been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don't feel like I'm progressing. It's just one step forward... two steps back.
- Alec Snook
Ate horse at a restaurant once - wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful.
- Alex Kitson
I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it.
- Arthur Smith
I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.
- Mark Simmons
My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes.
- Olaf Falafel
British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons?
- Chelsea Birkby
I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I've cracked it.
- Masai Graham
My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had.
- Zoë Coombs Marr
The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati.
- Olaf Falafel
I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’.
- Sarah Keyworth
I've got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I'd never bought her that vineyard.
- Roger Swift
Gay people are very bad at maths. We don't naturally multiply.
- Lou Wall
Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher.
- Sophie Duker
Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people.
- Olga Koch
A man walks into a pub with a rat on his shoulder
He takes a seat at the bar and orders a pint from the landlord.Landlord says "Uh, mate, you can't have that rat in here."
Man replies "Ah don't worry. You see, he's a special rat, he could out drink any man in this pub. Give me a pint and I'll show you."
The landlord is sceptical, but he brings the rat a pint. The man takes the rat off of his shoulder and dunks him into the pint. The rat swims around the glass and in seconds, the beer is gone.
This attracts the attention of the other patrons, and before long, everyone in the pub is buying drinks for the rat. He gets more pints and drains them all. One man buys him multiple shots, and the rat dips his head in each and downs them all.
After several rounds, the landlord says "alright, let's really put this rat to the test."
He gathers several bottles, and leads the patron upstairs to his bathroom, before filling the bathtub with spirits. The man plops the rat down in the bath, and the rat happily drains it, before keeling over, dead.
The man begins to weep. "My sweet friend, I can't believe he's gone."
The landlord places a hand on his shoulder to comfort him. "He was a truly unique creature. May we honour him by hanging his tail above the bar?" The man accepts this request, and the landlord cuts off the rat's tail, then takes it and hangs it above the bar.
Meanwhile, the rat floats on up to the pearly gates and is met by Mouse St. Peter, who invites him into Mouse Heaven.
"Hang on," says the rat, "I can't go to mouse heaven, I'm supposed to go to rat heaven."
Mouse St. Peter chuckles, looking the rat up and down, "why would you go to rat heaven? You're clearly a mouse. If you were a rat, you'd have a great stinking tail."
"You don't understand," says the rat, "some bloke on earth took my tail when I died. Look, if you could just send me back for a moment, I can get my tail back and prove to you I should be in rat heaven."
Mouse St. Peter thinks for a moment, then snaps his fingers, and suddenly the rat, now a ghost, is back in the bathtub. He scuttles back down to the bar, where he finds the landlord closing up.
"You there, landlord!" says the rat, "I need my tail back so I can get into rat heaven!"
The landlord, startled by the presence of a rat he thought to be deceased, stares at the rat in disbelief. "Y-you're supposed to be dead!"
"I know," says the rat, "and if you can just get me my tail, I'll be on my way."
The landlord looks to the rat, then to the tail behind the bar.
"I'm sorry my furry friend, I'd love to help, but I'm afraid I can't serve spirits after hours."
Lizard Jokes - to celebrate World Lizard Day
August 14th is World Lizard Day. Get involved with celebrating World Lizard Day by sharing some Lizard jokes
I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn’t stop telling dad jokes.
That’s not a lizard, the store clerk told me.
That’s a stand-up chameleon
I saw a lizard ...
and it became a spotted lizard
What do lizards like to eat with their hamburgers?
French flies
Why did the lizard go on a diet?
Because it was overweight according to its scales.
What do lizards put on their kitchen floors?
Rep-tiles
What is a reptile’s favorite movie?
The Lizard of Oz
What’s a lizard’s favorite sport?
Cricket.
What did the mom chameleon say to her nervous kid on the first day of school?
“Don’t worry, you’ll blend right in!”
Why are lizards so mean and selfish?
Because they are too cold-blooded.
What is a gecko who knows magic called?
A: A Lizard Wizard.
A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.
Walks into a bar
He goes up to the barman and says:
I'll have a pint please and a gin and tonic for Tiny here
The barman starts making the drinks and asks
Why do you call him Tiny?
The guy says:
Because he's my newt.
