Mouse jokes

Quick Friday laugh - two short IT jokes

Me: You know, since it doesn't have a tail, I'm pretty sure it is actually a hamster.
Tech support: Okay sir. Please right-click your hamster...

It was sad to read that the guy who invented the computer mouse died.
Police suspect witchcraft as everyone they have spoken to have placed the cursor on him.

A man walks into a pub with a rat on his shoulder

He takes a seat at the bar and orders a pint from the landlord.

Landlord says "Uh, mate, you can't have that rat in here."

Man replies "Ah don't worry. You see, he's a special rat, he could out drink any man in this pub. Give me a pint and I'll show you."

The landlord is sceptical, but he brings the rat a pint. The man takes the rat off of his shoulder and dunks him into the pint. The rat swims around the glass and in seconds, the beer is gone.

This attracts the attention of the other patrons, and before long, everyone in the pub is buying drinks for the rat. He gets more pints and drains them all. One man buys him multiple shots, and the rat dips his head in each and downs them all.

After several rounds, the landlord says "alright, let's really put this rat to the test."

He gathers several bottles, and leads the patron upstairs to his bathroom, before filling the bathtub with spirits. The man plops the rat down in the bath, and the rat happily drains it, before keeling over, dead.

The man begins to weep. "My sweet friend, I can't believe he's gone."

The landlord places a hand on his shoulder to comfort him. "He was a truly unique creature. May we honour him by hanging his tail above the bar?" The man accepts this request, and the landlord cuts off the rat's tail, then takes it and hangs it above the bar.

Meanwhile, the rat floats on up to the pearly gates and is met by Mouse St. Peter, who invites him into Mouse Heaven.

"Hang on," says the rat, "I can't go to mouse heaven, I'm supposed to go to rat heaven."

Mouse St. Peter chuckles, looking the rat up and down, "why would you go to rat heaven? You're clearly a mouse. If you were a rat, you'd have a great stinking tail."

"You don't understand," says the rat, "some bloke on earth took my tail when I died. Look, if you could just send me back for a moment, I can get my tail back and prove to you I should be in rat heaven."

Mouse St. Peter thinks for a moment, then snaps his fingers, and suddenly the rat, now a ghost, is back in the bathtub. He scuttles back down to the bar, where he finds the landlord closing up.

"You there, landlord!" says the rat, "I need my tail back so I can get into rat heaven!"

The landlord, startled by the presence of a rat he thought to be deceased, stares at the rat in disbelief. "Y-you're supposed to be dead!"

"I know," says the rat, "and if you can just get me my tail, I'll be on my way."

The landlord looks to the rat, then to the tail behind the bar.

"I'm sorry my furry friend, I'd love to help, but I'm afraid I can't serve spirits after hours."

14 Cat jokes

What's a cat's favorite book?
The Great Cats-by.

What's a cat's favorite day of the week?
Cat-urday.

Why did the cats ask for a piano?
They wanted to make mew-sic.

What’s a cat’s favorite cereal?
Mice crispies.

What’s a cat’s favorite TV show?
Claw and Order.

If your cat was an artist, what would they paint?
Paw-traits.

What's a cat’s favorite color?
Purr-ple.

If cats taught school, what would they be called?
Purr-fessors.

What's a cat's favorite food?
Paw-sta.

What do you call a cat who loves to bowl?
An alley cat.

How did the lazy kittens work on their school project?
They put in the bare mew-nimum.

What's every kitten’s favorite movie?
The Little Purr-maid.

What's a cat’s favorite dessert?
Chocolate mouse.

Why don’t cats like online shopping?
They prefer cat-alogues.

I Need A Mouse Trap

A woman rushes into a hardware store and says, “Can I have a mouse trap, please? And will you be quick, I’ve got a bus to catch!”
“Sorry, ma’am,” said the store clerk, “but we don’t sell ‘em that big!”

Small rodents have no identity

Small rodents have no identity. They are a nano mouse.

They make tiny submersibles th

They make tiny submersibles these days that are smaller than a mouse. They're known as submurines.

A: I'm in a big trouble!

A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!

Sitting down with founders

Sitting down with founders Patrick Tanzola and Rhain Louis of Pungents.com (Canada’s top pun website), we weren’t sure what to expect on that brightly punny day outside U of T’s Hart House. Nursing our coffees, we were suddenly caught off-guard when a massive hawk swept down beside us, grabbed a small mouse from the garden, and flew off – nearly causing us to hawk-up our lunch.

Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.
8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Hear about that high-tech thri

Hear about that high-tech thriller, about a submarine crew that gets lost at sea due to extreme computer failure? It's called DOS Boot. As the movie unfolds it's clear that the vessel's discipline was lax: not a mouse was stirring while some key bored personnel were in the washroom taking a FTP. The submarine was suddenly swamped by torrents of WAVs, and couldn't make it to the dock. Windows were stupidly left open, resulting in an impossible Turing radius as they were overwhelmed by the C. It was a Unix situation, and as they twirled out into the ethernet the captain radioed the nearest B-52 Flying Fortran for help. “This hertz, Mac,” he cried. “It megahertz! I need a pier-to-pier transfer.” But due to BASIC errors and faulty navigation they could not find anchor, and crashed, leaving no possibility for a SQL.

I dreamed I was a rodent. It w

I dreamed I was a rodent. It was a mouse unusual dream.

Little

Little known fact: Mickey Mouse and Mighty Mouse once served together in the Murine Corps.

A man goes in to a bar. He app

A man goes in to a bar. He approaches the bartender.
"Hi mate. Listen, I don't have any cash on me at the moment, do you think you can spot me a pint?"
The bartender scoffs. "No chance mate, we're not here for that."
The man pauses for a moment, and then makes an offer. "What if I show you something that you've never seen before? If you've never seen it, all my drinks are on the house for the night."
"Pfft," the barman scoffs. "Yeah, alright. Let's see what you've got."
The man reaches in to his bag and pulls out a frog, and a tiny piano. He sets them on the bar, the frog hops over to the piano and starts to play a beautiful rendition of Mozart's Die Zauberflöte.
The barman is stunned. "Well, I'll be! You've got something there, I'll give you that. Fair enough mate, drinks are on me...but I want the frog and the piano. How about 1,000 for them?"
"I couldn't do that. The frog is my livelihood."
"How about 2,000?"
"Deal."
The man spends the entire night drinking, partying away, and stumbles home at closing time.
Fast forward a few days, and the same man returns. "Listen mate. For the sake of the joke, I've spent all the money you gave me and I'm strapped for money again. Any chance of spotting me for a pint?"
The barman says, "No, we already went through this. We're not a charity."
"Ahh, but what if I show you something you've never seen before?"
The barman is amused. "You came here last with a frog that plays a piano, I've seen it all! But go on then, what have you got?"
The man pulls out a mouse and sets it on the bar. It sits there, looking around and minding his own business.
"That's just a mouse! I've got enough mice to deal with, I don't need another one!"
The mouse pipes up. "Just a mouse?! I'll have you know I've been quite well educated, sir!"
The barman jumps back. "The mouse...the mouse just spoke! It's a talking mouse! Listen mate, all your drinks are on the house, but I've got to have the mouse as well! I will give you 3,000 for him!"
The man accepts the money, and continues his evening of free drinks. But as the night goes on, and the man gets more belligerent, he stumbles over to the bar to talk to the barman.
"Listen mate, here's you 3,000 back. I feel terrible about what I've done."
The barman scoffs. "Sorry mate, but a deal is a deal, and I've bought the mouse off you fair and square. I'm keeping him!"
The man says, "I don't care, just please take the money. It was all a trick! The mouse doesn't talk...the frog is a ventriloquist."

Not So Long Ago...

A window was a pane of glass you always had to clean. And a hacker had a lousy swing and could never hit the green.
Meg was the name of a girlfriend and a Gig was played on stage.
Memory was what our elders lost in their golden age.
An application was for employment and a program was a show.
A cursor used to cuss a lot and mail didn't seem that slow.
A CD was for money in a long term bank account. And if you had a floppy you hoped that nobody ever found out.
Compress was something you did to garbage not something you did to a file. And if you unzipped in public you'd be in jail a while.
A keyboard was on a piano, a hard drive was down a long road.
A mouse pad was where Mighty Mouse lived and a backup involved a commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife, paste you did with glue.
A web was what a spider wove and a virus meant the flu.
Nobody gets killed in a computer crash but some would've rather been dead, I guess I'll stick to pen and paper and the memory still in my head.
If I could ever go back in time and start all over again, I'd make sure that I grew up as Bill Gate's closest friend.

Pet Mouse

My pet mouse Elvis died today...
He was caught in a trap.