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Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (1 to 15)

Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (1 to 15)

Jokes about doctor. These are funny jokes with doctors! These are the jokes listed 1 to 15.

Doctor Call

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."

Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.58/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (12)

A guy is out playing his usual round of Sunday golf when he gets a call…

A guy is out playing his usual round of Sunday golf when he gets a call…

It’s the hospital…his wife has been in a terrible accident and he needs to there FAST.

He rushes to the hospital where a doctor, covered in blood and gore, greets him at emergency room entrance. The doctor says “Sir, your wife is going to live but life as you know it is going to change drastically. Your wife is going to require constant care from this point forward. You are going to have to bathe her, feed her, change her diaper regularly, and turn her over every half an hour. Activities such as going out, traveling, and sex are no longer an option and as for things like golf, well, sir, you simply won’t have time to do anything like that anymore.”

The man stands there, strickened and speechless until the doctor chucks him on the shoulder and says: “I’m just fucking with you man, she’s dead.”

#joke #doctor #sport #golf
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

Guy with a cat wins the lottery

So he gets extended leave from his job, packs his things and buys a ticket for South America. Problem is, he needs someone to take care of his cat. So he calls a friend.

"Hey John, I need you to take care of my cat for 3 months".

"Three months?!"

"Yeah, but don't worry, all you need to do is feed her a 3 times a day, change her sand, play with her a bit and, god forbid, take her to the vet if she needs anything".

"Damn, so... what if she..."

"I have a plan for that too. Call me and say-"

"That she died?"

"No! Heavens no! I could not take that! You need to let me down easy. Just call me and tell me she climbed on the roof".

"On the roof?"

"Well... then tell me everything is fine. Remember: let me down easy! So say 'The fire department came and is trying to get her down, but all is good, no worries'".

"Okay?"

"After 20 minutes, call me and say 'She fell off the roof but she is fine. I'm taking her to the vet just in case. All is good, no worries'". "THEN, after an hour call me and say 'The doctor says she is fine other than a broken rib, so we'll run a few tests. All is good, no worries.'" "When 30 minutes pass, call me and say 'She needed surgery, her rib caused some bleeding, but she is recovering nicely. I'll talk to you when we get home. All is good, no worries'".

"Oh boy, are you-"

"Then wait for 30 minutes, call me and say 'Hey man, I don't know how to say this but, she didn't make it. I'm so sorry'".

"Dude, are you done? I got it. If your cat dies, I'll let you down easy. No worries".

The man says goodbye to his cat and leaves. Upon arriving in South America, he gets a call from John. Visibly worried, he answers "What is it, is my cat okay!?"

"What? Yeah, she's fine."

"Really? Do you mean that?"

"Yeah man, all is good. No worries. It's just that... Your mother climbed on the roof."

Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 9.18/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (17)

Memorial Day jokes for 2024

Observed on the last Monday in May every year, Memorial Day is a federal holiday in the United States that honors and remembers those who have died while serving in the military.
Enjoy these light-hearted jokes to add some fun to your Memorial Day!

Why did the soldier bring a ladder to the barbecue?
He wanted to raise the steaks!

What do army guys say when they forget Memorial Day?
Ah, shoot!

What is your favorite Memorial Day tradition?
Spilling BBQ sauce on white pants.

Which day do Alzheimer's patients forget?
Memorial Day.

A small boy was staring at the names on a wall.
The pastor explained,
"They are those who died in the service."
The boy asked,
"The 9 o'clock service or the 11 o'clock?"

What's a cow's favorite Memorial Day activity?
Going to the moo-vies!

Why are there no knock-knock jokes on Memorial Day?
Because freedom rings!

Did you hear about the man who got his car's AC fixed after Memorial Day?
He came back singing "Freon isn't Free."

Why don't soldiers play hide and seek on Memorial Day?
Because good luck hiding when everyone's off duty!

What is the best Memorial Day Sales pitch?
To remember the millions of brave soldiers who died for our country, we're giving you 30% off on all corduroy pants and toaster ovens.

What's the favorite thing about Memorial Day for employees?
Saying to co-workers, "See you next Tuesday."

What do army guys read on Memorial Day?
Magazine.

On Memorial Day, the teacher asked the students, "Do you know why God created wars?"
Someone among students: To teach us, geography?!

How can you offend a close relative of a fallen soldier on Memorial Day?
Wish them "Happy Memorial Day."

Do you know that The Air Force is the most patriotic arm of the US military?
Because they're USAF.

What fruit do soldiers hate?
The Pommegranade.

In the military, how do you refer to children?
Infantry.

#joke #doctor #monday #animal #cow #fruit #food #steak
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Do You Play Hockey or Soccer?

While giving a physical the doctor noticed that his patient’s shins were covered with dark bruises.
“Tell me,” said the doctor, “do you play hockey or soccer?”
“Neither,” said the man. “My wife and I play bridge.”

#joke #short #doctor #sport #hockey #soccer
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

My Hearing

After completing his annual physical on a patient, the doctor asked if there was anything that was bothering him. Joe replied, "Yeah, my hearing."
The doctor examined Joe's ear and removed some ear wax. He then asked Joe if his hearing was better.
Joe said, "I don't know, the hearing isn't till next Tuesday."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

Trust me, I'm Sleeping

My doctor told me that I have a condition known as narco-somnia, which has symptoms of both narcolepsy and insomnia.
That's probably why I always sleep with one eye open.

Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.45/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (11)

We Need A Doctor

A girl was walking on the side walk. She sees a man lying on the street, needing immediate help. The victim says that he is having a heart attack. The girl asks people around the street. And a man approached.
Girl: Help, are you a doctor?
Man: I am a doctor. What’s going on?
Girl: A Heart Attack!
Man: I am doctor in mathematics.
Girl: He is going to die.
Man: Prove it!

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

Short jokes for sunny Tuesday

Why is "dark" spelled with a "k" and not a "c"?
Because you can't C in the dark!;

A recent study has shown that women who carry extra weight,
tend to live longer
than the men who mention it!

I was so confused last night, as my printer was playing music.
Turns out my paper was just jamming.

Guys I need your help. In the middle of an argument with the wife she told me that I'm right…
What the hell do I do next?

I knew it was bad news when my friend said "you know our favorite dentist…"
I had to brace myself.

I don’t know if tampons are the best invention ever..
…but they’re definitely up there!

My doctor ordered me to take a blood test...
I got an A-. Not too bad.

Can a ninja throw a star?
SHUR-HE-CAN.

If you were born legs first,
for a small moment you were wearing your mum as a hat!

Liverpool police stopped a car & were amazed to find it taxed,
full MOT & insured.
It wasn't stolen, there were no stolen goods or drugs.
The driver was sober & had a full clean licence...
A police spokesman said,
"We had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time!"

Guy driving along the highway at 70mph,
sees a chicken running along side keeping up.
Crazy enough the chicken has three legs! Punches it to 80,
chicken stays with it then cuts off down a country road.
Guy follows it into the driveway of a farm, sees the farmer.
"Did you see a three legged chicken speed in here"?
"Yeah that's mine.
I breed them that way because me, my wife, and my son all like drumsticks"
the farm tells the driver.
"Wow that's amazing how do they taste?" the guy asks.
"Dunno"
said the farmer "never caught one before".

#joke #policeman #doctor #animal #chicken
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Good News & Bad News

Doctor: "Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news first?"
Patient: “Good new please!”
Doctor: “Well, we’re naming a disease after you...”

Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.18/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (17)

Good and Bad News

The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news and some bad news."
Dan said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name a disease after you."

Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.55/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (11)

Just Say We're Busy

The psychiatrist pulls the new nurse to the side.
"Is something wrong, Doctor?" she asks.
The psychiatrist takes a moment before answering, "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

28 Morbidly Amusing Dark Humor Jokes to Tickle Your Macabre Side

If you find these jokes funny, something is probably wrong with you!

I was digging in the garden and happened to find a chest with a lot of gold coins.
I wanted to run home to tell my wife about it.
Then I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children.

The doctor gave me one month to live, so I shot him with my gun.
The judge gave me 15 years.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call him, anyway he won't come.

Cremation is my final hope for a smoking-hot body.

What's the last thing in a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 100 mph?
It's behind.

What's worse than biting an apple and then discovering a worm?
Biting the apple, then discovering half a worm.

When ordering dinner at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepared their chicken.
He explained.
"We just tell them they're going to die."

An apple a day keeps the doctor away only if you throw it hard enough.

Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where their home is.

Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous.
It's nice to see new faces here today!

Why can't you have a book on how to commit suicide in a library?
Because you wouldn't return it back.

What makes sad people jump?
Bridges.

I don't have any carbon footprint.
I drive everywhere.

I wished to die, but then I got a job.
Now I want to pass out.

What do you call a bacterial disease that is caused by two grizzlies?
Twobearculosis.

My doctor told me to stop eating red meat,
so now I dye it orange.

Why are overweight babysitters an awful idea?
The babies always get crushed when they sit on them.

How do you stop a baby from choking?
Let go of his neck.

When I see the lovers' names written on a tree, I don't find it romantic or cute.
I find it weird how people would take knives on their dates.

I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

A dark joke is like food,
which many people don't get.

If you think I am joking about Alzheimer's,
forget it.

Where did Lucy go during the bombing?
Everywhere.

It's important to have a perfect vocabulary.
If I had known to distinguish between anecdote and antidote, one of my good friends would still be alive.

You're not useless.
You can always be used as a bad example.

I have jokes about unemployed people,
but sadly, none work.

What did the frog say at his puppeteer's funeral?
Not a word.

#joke #doctor #animal #dog #frog #worm #chicken #fruit #apple #orange #food #dinner #meat #eating #sport #baseball
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

7 short Jokes for the Weekend's Approach

What do clouds wear underneath their pants?
Thunderwear.

What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.

He says “Doc I have been having really strange dreams for the last month”. Doc asks “Ok. What are the dreams?”. Bloke says “It’s like there is a football World Cup going on. Every night I see a football match but with donkeys! It’s driving me crazy! That’s all I think about all day”.
Doc smiles, thinks for a while, and says “Ok. Here is a prescription. Take 2 pills tonight before sleeping and you won’t have any of those dreams any longer.”
Bloke thanks the doctor profusely, gets up and walks to the door. He pauses, turns around and asks the doc “Doc if it is ok, can I start the medicine from tomorrow night?”. Doc looks puzzled and asks him “Why? Why not tonight?”. Bloke looks down and whispers “Tonight is the final”.

What’s your net worth?
However many fish it catches that day!

Before going away the neighbours gave me a spare key to feed their cat.
Poor thing choked to death on it.

I told my neighbours they could eat whatever they wanted when they housesat for me.
Damn, I miss that goldfish.

Did you hear about the bartender that pushed his wife off a cliff? He made a Bloody Mary on the rocks.

#joke #doctor #animal #cat #donkey #goldfish #sport #football
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 9.62/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (13)

Are You Eating Right

A woman goes to her doctor. She has a breadstick up her nose, a potato in her right ear and string bean in her left ear.
She says, "Doctor, can you help me? I don't feel well, and I cannot figure out what's wrong."
The doctor replies; "Well, you are clearly not eating properly."

#joke #short #doctor #food #potato #eating
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

Jokes Archive

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