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Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (16 to 30)

Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (16 to 30)

Jokes about doctor. These are funny jokes with doctors! These are the jokes listed 16 to 30.

A few short jokes for a mid-week laugh

Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium.
Me: 0Mg

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
No sun.

Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”

Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath... He tried in vain to attract attention,
but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me"
everyone cheered

What starts with a Y and ends with an X?
Dyslexia

#joke #doctor #food #chocolate
Joke | Source: John Chris - Funny jokes collected from all around
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

A doctor lacking empathy - Friday fun, black humor joke

A woman has a serious accident and ends up in the hospital undergoing surgery.

Her husband waits in the waiting room, distraught, when several hours later the surgeon exits the operating room and approaches him.

'"Good news: the procedure was successful.But the road to recovery will be tough. She'll need intensive rehab for years, setting you back about $3,000 a month.'

The husband starts to get worried.

'Then, she'll likely need more surgeries in the future. There might be follow-up surgeries, which insurance won't cover. That's another potential $105,000 to $200,000.

The man starts to break into a cold sweat. 'And in reality, she'll need a high-quality wheelchair and a suitable vehicle for transporting the disabled, but with $35,000, you should manage.'

The husband, deeply concerned about the money, looks desperate.

The surgeon offers a comforting hand and says,
'Don't worry dude,I was just kidding.

She's dead!'

Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

53 classic hilarious short jokes

I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.

I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh.
No pun in 10 did.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover –
it was just collecting dust.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He’s now a seasoned veteran.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said “Thanks!” I said “Don’t mention it.”

Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’
Because every play has a cast.

I hate Russian dolls…
so full of themselves!

My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?”
I said: “No it doesn’t!”

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“We don’t serve your type!” shouts the barman.

I’m addicted to brake fluid, but
I can stop whenever I want.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.

I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.

Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says:
“Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

This is my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.

This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
I said “40”.

Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’?
There’s no menu, you only get what you deserve.

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.

What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke
timing.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He needed a little space.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
“Aye matey.”

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeoouhh.”
The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.”

Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side.

What’s E.T. short for?
He’s only got little legs.

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.
He’s never gonna give you Up.

My granddad has the heart of a lion and
a lifetime ban from London Zoo.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday.
Never again.

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.

What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business!

There’s no “I” in Denial.

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”

Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.

I used to be addicted to soap, but
I’m clean now.

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Then it hit me.

#joke #policeman #doctor #animal #dog #rabbit #sheep #lion #chicken #whale #elephant #fish #fruit #orange #food #pepper #sport #golf #exercise
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.75/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

What My Doctor Told Me

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said "less McDonald's", but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant.

Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

A Relaunched Air BnB

Two doctors decided to invest in an Air BnB. Despite all their marketing, they couldn't attract even a single customer.
Eventually, they decided to call their venture "Doctors Without Boarders."

Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Chihuahua at the vets

A man brings his Chihuahua to the vet.
They’re immediately taken to a room.
Soon, a Labrador walks in sniffs the Chihuahua, and leaves.
Then a cat comes in, stares at the dog, and leaves.
Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine, and hands the man a $250 bill.
"This must be a mistake," the man says.
"I’ve only been here 20 minutes!"
"No mistake," the doctor says.
"It’s $100 for the Lab test,
$100 for the cat scan,
and $50 for the medicine."
#joke #doctor #animal #cat #dog #chihuahua
Joke | Source: John Chris - Funny jokes collected from all around
  • Currently 5.45/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (11)

14 Jokes to brighten your day

A termite walks into a bar and asks
- Is the bar tender here?

What do you call a caveman's fart?
A blast from the past.

I was having a bad day, and my friend said,
'At least you're not stuck in a hole in the ground full of water.'
I knew he meant well.

A guy walks into a doctor's office, butt ass naked, but wrapped head-to-toe in cellophane.
The doctor takes one look at the guy and says,
'Well...I can clearly see your nuts.'

- Why couldn't the lifeguard rescue the hippie?'
- Because he was too far out, man.

The chicken and the egg are in bed.
The chicken rolls over and lights a cigarette, and the egg says,
'Well, I guess that answers *that* question.'

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

Why don't anteaters ever get sick?
Because they are full of little anty-bodies.

A tire thief is at large ...
and the police are working tirelessly to catch him.

A man went to see his doctor and the doctor said to him,
'I have some bad news and some worse news for you.'
So the man asks, 'OK, so what’s the bad news?'
The doctor says, 'You only have 24 hours to live.'
The man, obviously shocked by this, says, 'Oh my god, that’s terrible!'
Then he says, 'Wait a minute — what’s the worse news?'
Doctor: 'I should have told you yesterday.'

Two men are standing by the roadside when a tractor drives past.
The driver is ranting and shouting, 'The end of the world is nigh!'
One guy says, 'Oh no, we’re all gonna die, what shall we do?'
His friend replies, 'Don’t worry about him, that’s just Farmer Geddon!'

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change.

How do ghosts go through locked doors?
AWith a skeleton key!

What did the zero say to the eight?
'Nice belt.'

#joke #policeman #doctor #walksintoabar #animal #chicken #food #egg
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 9.17/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (6)

7 short jokes to make Friday even better

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,

"You know, one would have been enough."

Bread is a lot like the sun.
It rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking,
so I'm off to find a bar with a mirror!

Why do most people write with their right hand?
Because they don't want to write with the wrong hand.

Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?
Reese, with her spoon

I can't believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.
I am peachless!

To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now!

#joke #doctor #friday #fruit #food #bread
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

The september 5 ...

The September 5 is National Be Late for Something Day! This holiday aims to promote the more positive aspects of procrastination. Find some jokes to celebrate it!

Late for date joke

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Melissa decided she had been stood up. She changed from her best dinner dress into her pyjamas and slippers, fixed herself snack and resigned herself to an evening of TV. No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date.

He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late ... and you're still not ready?"

Late for Work joke

Mark had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. After a few weeks of this, Mr Johnson, his boss, called him in and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Mark went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.
"Mr Johnson," he said, "The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!"
"That's all fine," said his boss,
"But where were you yesterday?"

Few short "late" jokes

TEACHER: Young man, you've been late for school five days this week. Does that make you happy?
PUPIL: Sure does. That means it's Friday.

Why did the belt go to jail?
It was holding up a pair of pants and made them late!

What do you call a person who's always late to the bank?
Slow interest.

What did Yoda say during his toilet break while being late for a meeting?
Time for this shit, I do not have.

Me: Sorry for being late, I was having some computer issues.
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my laptop.

What did the guy who got fired for always being late say?
It was just a matter of time.

#joke #doctor #friday #food #breakfast #dinner
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.80/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (10)

Six fresh jokes

Six fresh jokes to start weekend with laugh

What's the opposite of a microwave?
A tsunami.

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, "wow they be bonding."

My doctor advised me to cut down on my sodium intake.
I took his advice with a pinch of salt.

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.

"Your underwear is much too tight and revealing," I said to my wife.
She replied, "Wear your own then."

I saw a book at the store today called "How to end 50% of your problems"
I bought two.

#joke #doctor #animal #cow #food #salt
Joke | Source: John Chris - Funny jokes collected from all around
  • Currently 9.50/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (10)

11 new jokes for National Tell A Joke Day

On August 16th, celebrate National (US) Tell A Joke Day by doing just that — telling a joke. Find some great jokes here:

What's the difference between an Indian and an African Elephant?
One of them is an elephant

What's the difference between Iron man and Iron woman?
One is a superhero the other an instruction!

How hard is it to seduce large women?
Piece of cake

There's a new religion that worships zero
Nothing is sacred these days

Did you hear about the two guys who broke into an oversized kitchen supply store?
One of them said to the other "Be careful, we're taking a really big whisk."

Am going to see that new film about the pig without an eye.
It's rated PG.

I ordered a book on puns.
I didn't get it.

I've just come back from the doctor and I've been diagnosed with tinnitus...
I don't like the sound of that!

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, "Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has big blue hair!"

My dog ran off in the park last night.
I walked around for 30 minutes but could not find him.
The missus said I should look harder...
So I shaved my head and got a tattoo.
I still can't find him!

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.
"This is Amanda."
His dad jumps up and says, "It's a f*c*ng what?"

#joke #doctor #animal #dog #pig #elephant #food #cake
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

Dentistry At It's Best

Patient: It must be tough spending all day with your hands inside someone's mouth?
Dentist: I prefer to think of it as having my hands inside their wallet.

Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

Quitting job, and few more jokes

I have decided to quit my job as a personal trainer, because the weights are too heavy.
I just handed in my too weak notice.

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don't have high blood pressure.

My wife yelled, "are you even listening to me?"
I thought that was a weird way to start an argument.

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

Lazy Lady

I'm really good at being lazy...
In fact, my doctor even said that if I continue being this lazy, I should expect a-trophy.

Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

Old jokes

'Tell An Old Joke Day' is celebrated on July 24th. This day is a way to keep old jokes alive and kicking! Luckily, our archive started back in 2008, so plenty of Old Jokes!

A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart.
Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper"?
The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves.

Q: How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.
"Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

A man goes into his doctor's surgery and says "Doctor, can you give me something for persistent wind?"
The doctor thinks for a moment then replies, "Yes, go and buy a kite."

Read more Old jokes on our very first jokes page: Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 25 June 2008

#joke #doctor #sport #tennis #golf #swimming
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Jokes Archive

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