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Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (16 to 30)

Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (16 to 30)

Jokes about doctor. These are funny jokes with doctors! These are the jokes listed 16 to 30.

14 Jokes to brighten your day

A termite walks into a bar and asks
- Is the bar tender here?

What do you call a caveman's fart?
A blast from the past.

I was having a bad day, and my friend said,
'At least you're not stuck in a hole in the ground full of water.'
I knew he meant well.

A guy walks into a doctor's office, butt ass naked, but wrapped head-to-toe in cellophane.
The doctor takes one look at the guy and says,
'Well...I can clearly see your nuts.'

- Why couldn't the lifeguard rescue the hippie?'
- Because he was too far out, man.

The chicken and the egg are in bed.
The chicken rolls over and lights a cigarette, and the egg says,
'Well, I guess that answers *that* question.'

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

Why don't anteaters ever get sick?
Because they are full of little anty-bodies.

A tire thief is at large ...
and the police are working tirelessly to catch him.

A man went to see his doctor and the doctor said to him,
'I have some bad news and some worse news for you.'
So the man asks, 'OK, so what’s the bad news?'
The doctor says, 'You only have 24 hours to live.'
The man, obviously shocked by this, says, 'Oh my god, that’s terrible!'
Then he says, 'Wait a minute — what’s the worse news?'
Doctor: 'I should have told you yesterday.'

Two men are standing by the roadside when a tractor drives past.
The driver is ranting and shouting, 'The end of the world is nigh!'
One guy says, 'Oh no, we’re all gonna die, what shall we do?'
His friend replies, 'Don’t worry about him, that’s just Farmer Geddon!'

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change.

How do ghosts go through locked doors?
AWith a skeleton key!

What did the zero say to the eight?
'Nice belt.'

#joke #doctor #walksintoabar #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
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Rating: 9.2/10 (6)

SLIDESHOW #67 - Funny Photo Slideshow

7 short jokes to make Friday even better

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,

"You know, one would have been enough."

Bread is a lot like the sun.
It rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking,
so I'm off to find a bar with a mirror!

Why do most people write with their right hand?
Because they don't want to write with the wrong hand.

Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?
Reese, with her spoon

I can't believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.
I am peachless!

To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now!

#joke #doctor #friday
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
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The September 5 is National Be Late for Something Day! This holiday aims to promote the more positive aspects of procrastination. Find some jokes to celebrate it!

Late for date joke

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Melissa decided she had been stood up. She changed from her best dinner dress into her pyjamas and slippers, fixed herself snack and resigned herself to an evening of TV. No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date.

He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late ... and you're still not ready?"

Late for Work joke

Mark had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. After a few weeks of this, Mr Johnson, his boss, called him in and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Mark went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.
"Mr Johnson," he said, "The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!"
"That's all fine," said his boss,
"But where were you yesterday?"

Few short "late" jokes

TEACHER: Young man, you've been late for school five days this week. Does that make you happy?
PUPIL: Sure does. That means it's Friday.

Why did the belt go to jail?
It was holding up a pair of pants and made them late!

What do you call a person who's always late to the bank?
Slow interest.

What did Yoda say during his toilet break while being late for a meeting?
Time for this shit, I do not have.

Me: Sorry for being late, I was having some computer issues.
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my laptop.

What did the guy who got fired for always being late say?
It was just a matter of time.

#joke #NationalBeLateforSomethingDay #BeLateforSomethingDay #doctor #friday #short
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Six fresh jokes

Six fresh jokes to start weekend with laugh

What's the opposite of a microwave?
A tsunami.

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, "wow they be bonding."

My doctor advised me to cut down on my sodium intake.
I took his advice with a pinch of salt.

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.

"Your underwear is much too tight and revealing," I said to my wife.
She replied, "Wear your own then."

I saw a book at the store today called "How to end 50% of your problems"
I bought two.

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: John Chris - Funny jokes collected from all around
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11 new jokes for National Tell A Joke Day

On August 16th, celebrate National (US) Tell A Joke Day by doing just that — telling a joke. Find some great jokes here:

What's the difference between an Indian and an African Elephant?
One of them is an elephant

What's the difference between Iron man and Iron woman?
One is a superhero the other an instruction!

How hard is it to seduce large women?
Piece of cake

There's a new religion that worships zero
Nothing is sacred these days

Did you hear about the two guys who broke into an oversized kitchen supply store?
One of them said to the other "Be careful, we're taking a really big whisk."

Am going to see that new film about the pig without an eye.
It's rated PG.

I ordered a book on puns.
I didn't get it.

I've just come back from the doctor and I've been diagnosed with tinnitus...
I don't like the sound of that!

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, "Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has big blue hair!"

My dog ran off in the park last night.
I walked around for 30 minutes but could not find him.
The missus said I should look harder...
So I shaved my head and got a tattoo.
I still can't find him!

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.
"This is Amanda."
His dad jumps up and says, "It's a f*c*ng what?"

#joke #doctor #TellAJokeDay #NationalTellAJokeDay
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Quitting job, and few more jokes

I have decided to quit my job as a personal trainer, because the weights are too heavy.
I just handed in my too weak notice.

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don't have high blood pressure.

My wife yelled, "are you even listening to me?"
I thought that was a weird way to start an argument.

#joke #short #doctor
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Lazy Lady

I'm really good at being lazy...
In fact, my doctor even said that if I continue being this lazy, I should expect a-trophy.

#joke #short #doctor
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Old jokes

'Tell An Old Joke Day' is celebrated on July 24th. This day is a way to keep old jokes alive and kicking! Luckily, our archive started back in 2008, so plenty of Old Jokes!

A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart.
Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper"?
The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves.

Q: How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.
"Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

A man goes into his doctor's surgery and says "Doctor, can you give me something for persistent wind?"
The doctor thinks for a moment then replies, "Yes, go and buy a kite."

Read more Old jokes on our very first jokes page: Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 25 June 2008

#joke #tellanoldjokeday #short #doctor
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Chess Day jokes

International Chess Day is celebrated on 20 July. Check out some funny Chess jokes!

Patient: Doctor whenever I cough it sounds like this 'pawn, bishop, queen.
Doctor: Sounds like you have a chess infection.

I played my friend in a game of chess.
She did not think that she could win but she wanted to check anyway.

When Australian chess players finish their meals in the restaurant...
they say, "Cheque, mate."

Life is like a game of chess.
I can't play chess.

Why is the white bishop piece in chess the fastest?
Because it's on F1.

A girl comes across a guy playing chess against a dog.
She's very impressed with what she sees and says:
"What a clever dog!"
To which the man responds:
"No, no, he isn't that clever...
I'm leading three games to one!"

Where do chess players like to go to look for a bargain?
The pawnshop.

How did the king lose his home?
One of the horses took his castle.

Which knight always gave up at chess?
Sir Render.

Why do chess pieces look so uninterested?
They’re part of a bored game.

Why should you ever have lunch with a chess player?
It takes them ages to pass the salt.

Why did the chess player win the disco competition?
They had all the right moves.

When the King started telling a bedtime story to all the chess pieces, he said ...
"Once a pawn a time..."

#joke #InternationalChessDay #ChessDay #ChessDay2023 #doctor #short
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23 'What do you call' Jokes to start week with some laugh

1. What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny

2. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic

3. What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff

4. What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!

5. What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A depresso!

6. What do you call a dinosaur with a bandage on?
Dino-sore.

7. What do you call an old snowman?
Water

8. What do you call something that’s easy to get into, but hard to get out of?
Trouble

9. What do you call a woman with a screwdriver in one hand, a knife in the other, a pair of scissors between the toes on her left foot, and a corkscrew between the toes on her right foot?
A Swiss Army wife

10. What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran

11. What do you call the wife of a hippie?
A Mississippi!

12. What do you call a meditating wolf?
Aware wolf!

13. What do you call an American bee?
A USB!

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh!

15. What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
A URL-ologist

16. What do you call a destroyed angle?
A rect-angle!

17. What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
Roberto!

18. What do you call the security guards who work for Samsung?
The Guardians of the Galaxy

19. What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?
A father-in-law!

20. What do you call a woman with her briefcase stuck in a tree?
A branch manager!

21. What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud!

22. What do you call a man wearing a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time!

23. What do you call your daughter’s boyfriend when he brings her home late?
An ambulance

#joke #doctor #lawyer #short
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Toilet Jokes Which Don't Stink

Last week, I ran out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead.
All I can say is that The Times are really rough.

Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
Ah, so it’s you who’s been making a mess of my bathroom!

Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
Ah, so it’s you who’s been making a mess of my bathroom!

Why was Eeyore down the toilet?
Because he was looking for Pooh!

Why did the toilet roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!

Did you hear about the film ‘Constipated’?
It never came out!

There are two reasons you shouldn’t drink from the toilet.
Number one and number two!

Doctor, doctor! I think I have a bladder infection!
I see urine trouble!

Why did three witches call in the plumber?
Hubble bubble, toilet trouble!

Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl using the bathroom?
Because the ‘P’ is silent.

I bought an Abba-branded toilet last week.
What a loo!

What did the poo say to the fart?
You blow me away!

Who saves the world by hanging out in the toilet?
Flush Gordon

What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!

Why didn’t the toilet paper make it across the road?
It got stuck in a crack.

#joke #doctor
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International Plastic Bag Free Day Joke

July 3rd is International Plastic Bag Free Day! Find some jokes about it!

How do you stop a baby from turning blue?
Take it out of the plastic bag.

Doctor, am I going to lose my legs?
Idk man, here’s a plastic bag with your legs, if you lose it that’s on you

Grocery Store Cashier:
Would you like that in a paper or plastic bag?
Me: Either, I'm bisacktual.

Why did the plastic bag go to therapy?
It couldn't handle the pressure and felt all crumpled up inside.

Whenever we go on holiday, I never bring my plastic bag.
I always forget to packet.

Why does the TSA want your liquids in one clear plastic bag?
It's pretty plane to see why.

He buys bread, and the baker asks if he'd like his bread bagged in paper or plastic.
The guy replies, "Baguette however you want".

#internationalplasticbagfreeday #plasticbagfreeday

#joke #doctor
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International Joke Day Jokes - for smart people

July the 1st is International Joke Day! Are you smart enogh to get these Jokes?

1. A mathematician and an engineer decided they'd take part in an experiment.
They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman.
The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in.
The mathematician said, "Don't you see? You'll never get close enough to actually reach her."
The engineer replied, "So? I'll be close enough for all practical purposes."

2. Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek.
Einstein begins to count to 10. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one-meter by one-meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches 10, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims "Newton! I found you! You're it!"
Newton replies, "You didn't find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"

3. A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food truck and says, 'Make me one with everything."
The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.
"Where's my change?" the monk asks.
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

4. A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, 'In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.'
But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

5. Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel, and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar.
Heisenberg turns to the others and says, "Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it's funny?"
Godel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke."
Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny, you're just telling it wrong."

6. The Laws of Thermodynamics are simple.
First Law of Thermodynamics: You can't win.
Second Law of Thermodynamics: You can't break even.
Third Law of Thermodynamics: You can't stop playing.

7. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of 'Being and Nothingness.'
He says to the waitress, "I would like a cup of coffee, please. No cream."
The waitress replies, "I'm sorry sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

8. Heisenberg was speeding down the highway.
A cop pulls him over and says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?"
Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

9. A logician's wife is having a baby.
The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
The logician says, "Yes."

10. A photon is going through airport security.
The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.
The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

#jokeDay #InternationalJokeDay

#joke #doctor
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Pineapple Jokes

June 27th is nternational Pineapple Day! Find some jokes about it!

What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and an iPad?
A pineapple.

Everyone thinks I’m weird because I’m addicted to ham and pineapple sandwiches.
But that’s just Hawaii roll.

What do you call a fat pineapple?
A pineapple chunk.

The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice, a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass ...
is gonna get a punch.

A man goes to the doctor with a pineapple in his nose and bananas in his ears.
He says, "Doctor, what’s wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Isn’t it obvious? You’re not eating properly."

What is a bank card’s favourite fruit?
A PIN-apple.

Why did the strawberry go out with the pineapple?
Because he couldn’t get a date.

Why was the pineapple all alone?
Because the banana split.

My sister said that onions are the only food that can make you cry.
So I threw a pineapple in her face.

What do you get when you mix a pineapple with a snake?
Ananas-conda.

Where do you get pineapple milk from?
From its pinenipples.

A person was hit by a bus after he claimed pineapple goes with pizza.
Also, I lost my bus license today.

I once put rum and pineapple into CERN’s particle accelerator.
Discovered the Piña Collider.

#PineappleDay #InternationalPineappleDay

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Few new short jokes

I had a joke about bowling...
But I'll Spare you.

What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?
Dear Sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.

Did you know there are no smiles in Canada?
Only skilometers.

My wife demanded I stop taking Viagra each morning before I leave for the office, and replace it with Omega-3 and B vitamins.
She wants me to work smarter, not harder.

I was kicked out of music school accused of theft
, I was only taking notes.

I just saw a sign that made me piss myself.
'Toilet Closed.'

I have successfully managed to weigh a rainbow,
turns out it was pretty light.

I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house...
But the kids still get in!

Did you hear about the little boy who swallowed some coins and was admitted to hospital.
When the doctor did his rounds, he asked the nurse how he was doing. The nurse said there was 'no change.

#joke #doctor #short
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Jokes Archive

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