Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (16 to 30)

Old jokes

'Tell An Old Joke Day' is celebrated on July 24th. This day is a way to keep old jokes alive and kicking! Luckily, our archive started back in 2008, so plenty of Old Jokes!

A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart.
Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper"?
The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves.

Q: How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.
"Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

A man goes into his doctor's surgery and says "Doctor, can you give me something for persistent wind?"
The doctor thinks for a moment then replies, "Yes, go and buy a kite."

Read more Old jokes on our very first jokes page: Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 25 June 2008

Chess Day jokes

International Chess Day is celebrated on 20 July. Check out some funny Chess jokes!

Patient: Doctor whenever I cough it sounds like this 'pawn, bishop, queen.
Doctor: Sounds like you have a chess infection.

I played my friend in a game of chess.
She did not think that she could win but she wanted to check anyway.

When Australian chess players finish their meals in the restaurant...
they say, "Cheque, mate."

Life is like a game of chess.
I can't play chess.

Why is the white bishop piece in chess the fastest?
Because it's on F1.

A girl comes across a guy playing chess against a dog.
She's very impressed with what she sees and says:
"What a clever dog!"
To which the man responds:
"No, no, he isn't that clever...
I'm leading three games to one!"

Where do chess players like to go to look for a bargain?
The pawnshop.

How did the king lose his home?
One of the horses took his castle.

Which knight always gave up at chess?
Sir Render.

Why do chess pieces look so uninterested?
They’re part of a bored game.

Why should you ever have lunch with a chess player?
It takes them ages to pass the salt.

Why did the chess player win the disco competition?
They had all the right moves.

When the King started telling a bedtime story to all the chess pieces, he said ...
"Once a pawn a time..."

23 'What do you call' Jokes to start week with some laugh

1. What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny

2. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic

3. What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff

4. What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!

5. What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A depresso!

6. What do you call a dinosaur with a bandage on?
Dino-sore.

7. What do you call an old snowman?
Water

8. What do you call something that’s easy to get into, but hard to get out of?
Trouble

9. What do you call a woman with a screwdriver in one hand, a knife in the other, a pair of scissors between the toes on her left foot, and a corkscrew between the toes on her right foot?
A Swiss Army wife

10. What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran

11. What do you call the wife of a hippie?
A Mississippi!

12. What do you call a meditating wolf?
Aware wolf!

13. What do you call an American bee?
A USB!

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh!

15. What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
A URL-ologist

16. What do you call a destroyed angle?
A rect-angle!

17. What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
Roberto!

18. What do you call the security guards who work for Samsung?
The Guardians of the Galaxy

19. What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?
A father-in-law!

20. What do you call a woman with her briefcase stuck in a tree?
A branch manager!

21. What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud!

22. What do you call a man wearing a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time!

23. What do you call your daughter’s boyfriend when he brings her home late?
An ambulance

Toilet Jokes Which Don't Stink

Last week, I ran out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead.
All I can say is that The Times are really rough.

Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
Ah, so it’s you who’s been making a mess of my bathroom!

Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
Ah, so it’s you who’s been making a mess of my bathroom!

Why was Eeyore down the toilet?
Because he was looking for Pooh!

Why did the toilet roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!

Did you hear about the film ‘Constipated’?
It never came out!

There are two reasons you shouldn’t drink from the toilet.
Number one and number two!

Doctor, doctor! I think I have a bladder infection!
I see urine trouble!

Why did three witches call in the plumber?
Hubble bubble, toilet trouble!

Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl using the bathroom?
Because the ‘P’ is silent.

I bought an Abba-branded toilet last week.
What a loo!

What did the poo say to the fart?
You blow me away!

Who saves the world by hanging out in the toilet?
Flush Gordon

What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!

Why didn’t the toilet paper make it across the road?
It got stuck in a crack.

International Plastic Bag Free Day Joke

July 3rd is International Plastic Bag Free Day! Find some jokes about it!

How do you stop a baby from turning blue?
Take it out of the plastic bag.

Doctor, am I going to lose my legs?
Idk man, here’s a plastic bag with your legs, if you lose it that’s on you

Grocery Store Cashier:
Would you like that in a paper or plastic bag?
Me: Either, I'm bisacktual.

Why did the plastic bag go to therapy?
It couldn't handle the pressure and felt all crumpled up inside.

Whenever we go on holiday, I never bring my plastic bag.
I always forget to packet.

Why does the TSA want your liquids in one clear plastic bag?
It's pretty plane to see why.

He buys bread, and the baker asks if he'd like his bread bagged in paper or plastic.
The guy replies, "Baguette however you want".

#internationalplasticbagfreeday #plasticbagfreeday

International Joke Day Jokes - for smart people

July the 1st is International Joke Day! Are you smart enogh to get these Jokes?

1. A mathematician and an engineer decided they'd take part in an experiment.
They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman.
The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in.
The mathematician said, "Don't you see? You'll never get close enough to actually reach her."
The engineer replied, "So? I'll be close enough for all practical purposes."

2. Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek.
Einstein begins to count to 10. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one-meter by one-meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches 10, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims "Newton! I found you! You're it!"
Newton replies, "You didn't find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"

3. A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food truck and says, 'Make me one with everything."
The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.
"Where's my change?" the monk asks.
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

4. A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, 'In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.'
But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

5. Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel, and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar.
Heisenberg turns to the others and says, "Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it's funny?"
Godel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke."
Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny, you're just telling it wrong."

6. The Laws of Thermodynamics are simple.
First Law of Thermodynamics: You can't win.
Second Law of Thermodynamics: You can't break even.
Third Law of Thermodynamics: You can't stop playing.

7. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of 'Being and Nothingness.'
He says to the waitress, "I would like a cup of coffee, please. No cream."
The waitress replies, "I'm sorry sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

8. Heisenberg was speeding down the highway.
A cop pulls him over and says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?"
Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

9. A logician's wife is having a baby.
The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
The logician says, "Yes."

10. A photon is going through airport security.
The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.
The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

#jokeDay #InternationalJokeDay

Pineapple Jokes

June 27th is nternational Pineapple Day! Find some jokes about it!

What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and an iPad?
A pineapple.

Everyone thinks I’m weird because I’m addicted to ham and pineapple sandwiches.
But that’s just Hawaii roll.

What do you call a fat pineapple?
A pineapple chunk.

The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice, a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass ...
is gonna get a punch.

A man goes to the doctor with a pineapple in his nose and bananas in his ears.
He says, "Doctor, what’s wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Isn’t it obvious? You’re not eating properly."

What is a bank card’s favourite fruit?
A PIN-apple.

Why did the strawberry go out with the pineapple?
Because he couldn’t get a date.

Why was the pineapple all alone?
Because the banana split.

My sister said that onions are the only food that can make you cry.
So I threw a pineapple in her face.

What do you get when you mix a pineapple with a snake?
Ananas-conda.

Where do you get pineapple milk from?
From its pinenipples.

A person was hit by a bus after he claimed pineapple goes with pizza.
Also, I lost my bus license today.

I once put rum and pineapple into CERN’s particle accelerator.
Discovered the Piña Collider.

#PineappleDay #InternationalPineappleDay

Few new short jokes

I had a joke about bowling...
But I'll Spare you.

What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?
Dear Sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.

Did you know there are no smiles in Canada?
Only skilometers.

My wife demanded I stop taking Viagra each morning before I leave for the office, and replace it with Omega-3 and B vitamins.
She wants me to work smarter, not harder.

I was kicked out of music school accused of theft
, I was only taking notes.

I just saw a sign that made me piss myself.
'Toilet Closed.'

I have successfully managed to weigh a rainbow,
turns out it was pretty light.

I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house...
But the kids still get in!

Did you hear about the little boy who swallowed some coins and was admitted to hospital.
When the doctor did his rounds, he asked the nurse how he was doing. The nurse said there was 'no change.

Axe jokes - to celebrate International Ax-Throwing Day

June the 13th is International Ax-Throwing Day! Check out some Axe jokes!

Why did the tree go to the barber?
Because it needed a trim and ax.

Why did the lumberjack break up with his girlfriend?
She had too many axes.

Why did the lumberjack become a musician?
He had a knack for chopping the charts, not just logs.

Why was the lumberjack at the computer?
He wanted to log in.

What does a tree say to an axe?
I'm falling for you.

Why did the axe go to school?
To become a little sharper.

How does an axe win a debate?
With cutting remarks.

Why did the axe go to the doctor?
It had a splitting head.

What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet?
An axe-ident.

What did the woodcutter say to the tree?
May I axe you something?

Do you hear about the lumberjack who lost his job today?
His manager just gave him the axe.

Why was the spreadsheet afraid of the chart?
Because it had multiple axes.

How can you tell that an axe thrower loves his assistant?
He always misses her.

What do you call it when you break your pick axe while working?
A miner inconvenience.

What's the difference between being a lumberjack and any other job?
You get the axe when you’re hired not fired.

Where does a lumberjack buy his axes?
At the Chopping Maul.

I was really disappointed when the axe I bought to climb trees with ended up being useless.
It was a total anti-climb axe.

12 pirate jokes

1. Why is pirating so addictive?
Because once you lose yer first hand, you get hooked!

2. Why don't pirates shower before they walk the plank?
Because they'll wash up on shore later.

3. How do you save a dying pirate?
You give him CPARRRRR.

4. What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea?
He got marooned.

5. Why do pirates suck at card games?
Because they always stand on the deck.

6. What did the pirate wear on Halloween?
A pumpkin patch.

7. A pirate goes to the doctor to have the spots on his arm examined. The doctor says: "They're benign."
The pirate replies: "No, no, doc, there be 11. I counted them before I came here."

8. Why'd the pirate go to the Apple store?
He needed a new iPatch!

9. Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where ye left him.

10. What do ye call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
A rookie.

11. What do you call a pirate with no arms and no legs?
An expert.

12. What does a vegan pirate have on its shoulder?
A carrot!

It is easier to start Monday with these new short jokes

What do you get if you combine Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
A KNiFe.

I programmed a pirate game, but users said, the main character looks not enough like a pirate.
There will be a patch soon.

How much room does fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as it takes.

I visited my doctor today, he told me that I’m going deaf.
That was difficult to hear.

One day a housework challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?” “It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
Proudly he yelled back, “Chicago Bears!”

Where is the best place to sell a used chess set?
At a pawn shop.

Have a god Friday with short new jokes

I once went to a fancy dress party as a loaf of bread...
The birds were all over me.

I was at the doctors yesterday, and he said, "I'm afraid your results don't look too good."
"Why is that doctor?" I asked.
He said, "My printer has run out of ink!"

Did you hear about the constipated accountant...?
He couldn't budget..
So he worked it out with a pencil.

How do you get 100 math teachers into a room in which only 99 fit?
You carry the one.

A Mobius strip walks into a bar, sobbing.
The bartender asks, "What's wrong?"
The strip replies, "Where do I even begin?"

What’s blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue.

I just passed my drug test...
My dealer has some explaining to do!

World Hypertension Day jokes

World Hypertension Day is observed every May 17th in order to raise awareness and promote hypertension prevention, detection and control. Raise awareness with these jokes.

Why did the skeptic suffer from high blood pressure?
He was taking everything with a grain of salt.

My doctor just prescribed me blood pressure medication
it was a tough pill to swallow

Russian health tips
-"For better digestion ,I drink beer, for low blood pressure I drink red wine, for high blood pressure Cognac and for colds Vodka. "
-"And what about water?"
-"I don't think I ever had such an illness....

A man walks into a hospital ward and starts inspecting all of the bed charts.
A doctor notices this and says, "Excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"
The man ignores the doctor and continues, now taking everyone's blood pressure.
"Sir, I'll ask you again", says the doctor, "why are you here and what are you doing?"
Ignoring the doctor again, the man then begins to take everyone's blood and starts processing it through the hospital's examination equipment.
"Right!" Shouts the doctor. "Now you're testing my patients!"

Stomach problems

A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems, and he asks him what he's been eating.
"I only eat pool balls," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, orange and yellow ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and black and purple for dinner."

"I see the problem," says the doctor. "You're not getting enough greens."