|
Monday jokes - jokes about monday (1 to 15)Jokes about monday. These are the jokes listed 1 to 15. |
8 Funny jokes to make Monday more bearable
Yesterday I changed a lightbulb, walked into a pub and crossed a road…My whole life has become a joke!
I got hit in the head with a can of Coke today.
Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.
I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me.
I am really concerned after I found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities.
I thought it was a real question when the teacher asked me if I knew any words that had all the vowels in order
Turned out it was facetious.
I tried to rob a bank by blowing up the safe.
.hings were going well but there was just one problem.
I bought some cheap dynamite that was advertized as
"The inexpensive explosives that won't break the bank."
A skunk, a deer and a duck went out to dinner and when it came time to pay
The skunk didn't have a scent and the deer didn't have a buck. So they put it on the duck's bill
I recently paid $1 for a wig.
It was a small price toupee.
I used to date a girl who loved to be covered in cheese…
She was a cracker!
22 Friday The 13th Jokes
What’s way worse than Friday the 13th?
Monday the whatever.
Why is Friday the thirteenth one of the worst days to get arrested on?
Because the judge will only be in on Monday.
What day do eggs hate most?
Fry-day the 13th!
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice-cream, you scream, we all scream because it’s Friday Thirteenth.
What’s the worst part about waking up to realize it’s Friday the thirteenth?
Realizing that you still have to go to work.
Why are people scared of going out of the house on Friday the thirteenth?
Because of shark attacks.
Why don’t people like going to work on Friday the thirteenth every year?
Because they hate their jobs very much for the rest of the year too.
Why do people say that Friday the thirteenth is one of the unluckiest day of the year?
Oh, don’t worry about it if you don’t know, you’ll find out.
What’s the worst thing that can happen on Friday the thirteenth?
Getting married.
Why did the old man wake up on Friday the 13th and decide that nothing bad could happen to him all day?
Because he had already gotten married.
What’s the best thing you can do on Friday the thirteenth?
Continue to be depressed about your last divorce.
Why should you play the lottery on Friday the thirteenth?
Because when you lose this time, you’ll at least expect it.
What’s the most unlucky thing that you can do on Friday the thirteenth?
Be born into the world.
Why should you never go out on a date on Friday the thirteenth?
Because everyone knows it’s the one day of the year where you won’t be lucky.
What usually happens on Friday the thirteenth?
Nothing at all.
Killers eagerly look forward to which day of the month?
Fri-Die the 13th.
Which types of people consider Friday the thirteenth as lucky as any other day?
The smart ones.
How do you know that it’s Friday the 13th?
Everyone will tell you.
Why do people consider Friday the 13th unlucky?
Because it’s not a Saturday.
What starts with the letter J and gets called the reason for the season by some people who celebrate this special holiday?
Jason.
What do you call someone who wakes up on Saturday the fourteenth?
Lucky.
What’s the most difficult part about the average Friday the thirteenth?
Making sure that you survive it.
Mexican Restaurant
A Mexican restaurant I pulled up to looked great. Only one problem - it wasn't open.
So I jotted down the name for another day. Just then, a man came out of the restaurant and took a peek at what I'd written.
"That's not the name of the restaurant," he said, pointing to the sign over the door. "That's Spanish for 'Closed on Mondays.'"
17 Labor Day Jokes to enjoy Monday Off
Labor Day always falls on the first Monday in September, have some jokes during 3 day weekend
Is Aunty Diane having her baby today?
Why did you think she is about to give birth?
Because you said today was Labor Day!
When is Labor Day?
About 9 months after Father’s Day.
Do you know, most people don't have to work today, because it's Labor Day.
If people are not working, shouldn’t we call today "No-Labor Day?"
What do you call a hobbit throwing a Labor Day party?
It’s just a little get-together.
Why do the employees get sick on Labor Day Weekend?
Weakened immune system.
Happy Labor Day!
Oh wait… we live on a farm. Never mind!
I told my coworker I was going skydiving labor day weekend and he asked how many feet I was diving from.
I looked down at my feet, "Just these two".
Why are locksmiths allowed to remain open on Labor Day?
They are key workers.
Why are zombies free labor?
They don’t need a living wage.
What do nuclear plants serve their workers for the Labor Day party?
Fission Chips.
Why did ancient Egyptians have a hard time recruiting laborers?
It was a pyramid scheme.
What do you call a sick co-worker?
Staff infection.
What do you call a snake that works for the Government?
A Civil Serpent.
How did a calendar factory worker get fired?
He took a day off on Labor Day.
Why do managers never go bowling with their employees?
Because they are afraid of them striking.
What is the day when most Babies are born?
Well, it’s Labor Day.
Most people enjoy a day off on Labor Day except for fire…
Fire works on the Labor Day.
A few fresh jokes to start Monday with a smile on your face
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese. "Sorry" she replied. "We only accept cash"
A fly with a bug on its back said
Hey is that a mite? The mite replied "I mite be".
The fly replied that's the worst joke I've ever heard!
The mite said, well I came up with it on the fly!
I took my dog to the park today to play frisbee with him…
He was useless!
I need a flatter dog!
I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me...
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins!
Monday is better when it starts with new Jokes
If "tomb" is pronounced "toom", "womb" is pronounced "woom" then shouldn't...
"bomb" be pronounced "BOOM".
I asked a pretty, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
When you go to church in the morning you say, "Amen." Cunninghams Law - "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong". Where do bad rainbows go? Which is faster, hot or cold? Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication? NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to all the aliens… It was a bleak day when we heard about the explosion down at the animal shelter…
But what is of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly slice cabbage and mayo.
Prism.
It's a light sentence.
Hot, because you can catch a cold
For hispanic attacks.
They are calling it Apollo G!
It was raining cats and dogs!
Happy Monday! Check out new jokes!
I did my first nude painting yesterday.
The neighbors weren't happy but the front door looks great!
Man walks into an ancient Greek tailors with a pair of ripped trousers.
Tailor says, "Euripides?"
Man says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"
Her: It's ova.
Me: Why? Is it because I'm terrible at crosswords?
If I'm reading their lips correctly …
My neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I married my wife for her looks.
Though not the ones she been giving me lately.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
English lesson…
Tsunami
T is silent
Psychology
P is silent
Knife
K is silent
Honest
H is silent
Wife
Husband is silent
It is easier to start Monday with these new short jokes
What do you get if you combine Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
A KNiFe.
I programmed a pirate game, but users said, the main character looks not enough like a pirate.
There will be a patch soon.
How much room does fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as it takes.
I visited my doctor today, he told me that I’m going deaf.
That was difficult to hear.
One day a housework challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?” “It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
Proudly he yelled back, “Chicago Bears!”
Where is the best place to sell a used chess set?
At a pawn shop.
Few new jokes to make Monday more tolerable
Today I saw a burglar breaking into his own house.
Guess he was working from home.
What did the tree say to the new spring flower?
I'm rooting for you.
- Why don't flowers like to ride bicycles?
Because they keep losing their petals!
- What did one spring chicken say to the other?
You are eggcellent!
- What falls, but never needs a bandage?
The rain!
- Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don't peel.
Yesterday, I watched our wedding video in reverse.
It was quite uplifting to see myself removing the ring from my wife's finger, exiting the church, and heading out for drinks with my closest buddies.
Partial disability
A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" the interviewer asks.
"Yes, I was a Marine," responds the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Vietnam for two years and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 a.m."
"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 7 a.m., but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."
Converting a Bear
A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life. One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. The others nod and say "Yeah, I'll bet we could do it quicker than you could!" So they all agree that the next time they meet, they'll share stories about how they were able to convert a bear.They all end up in the hospital, but the priest is in the best shape of all of them. They decide to meet in the rabbi's room. The priest has his arm in a sling and says, "Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday."The other two clergymen nod in approval, and the preacher goes next. The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He's in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says "Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times. Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday."Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says "Well, I probably should've started with something different than circumcision...."-Things Not To Say During Childbirth
-- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
-- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.
-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.
-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there