Jokes of the day for Friday, 13 February 2026
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 13 February 2026 |
Twas the week after Christmas....
TWAS THE WEEK AFTER CHRISTMASAND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE
NOT ONE PC WAS WORKING
NOT EVEN A MOUSE.
I TURNED ON THE POWER
BUT NOTHING WAS WORKING
I GRAB THE COMPUTER
AND START BANGING AND JERKING.
I LAID OUT THREE GRAND
FOR THIS BIG PIECE OF JUNK
ON JANUARY 1ST
THE DAMN THING WENT 'KERPLUNK'!
WHEN I THREW IT OUT THE WINDOW
IT MADE SUCH A CLATTER
MY NEIGHBOR JUST CALLED
TO SEE WHAT'S THE MATTER.
I TURNED ON THE TV
THE CABLE IS DOWN
MY MICROWAVE OVEN
IS MAKING WEIRD SOUNDS.
MY NEW VCR
IS AS DEAD AS A ROCK
NOT ONE LIGHT IS BLINKING
NOT EVEN THE CLOCK.
IT'S TWENTY BELOW
THE PEAK OF SNOW SEASON
THE FURNACE WON'T WORK
THE PIPES ARE ALL FREEZING
THIS COULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED
AT A WORSE TIME
I THINK I HAVE FROSTBITE
ON MY BEHIND.
I LAUGHED FOR A SECOND
AND THOUGHT IT ALL FUNNY
THEN A CALL FROM MY BANK
IN REGARDS TO MY MONEY.
'WE MANAGED YOUR PENSION
AND SAVINGS WITH CARE
BUT FOR SOME ODD REASON
YOUR MONEY'S NOT THERE
WE WERE Y2K READY
WE'D THOUGHT WE'D BE HEROES
BUT REGRET TO INFORM YOU
YOUR BALANCE IS..ZERO'!
I DROP THE RECEIVER
TO THE BATHROOM I RUSH
I PUSH DOWN THE HANDLE
THE TOILET WON'T FLUSH.
I TURNED ON THE FAUCET
NOT ONE DROP HITS THE SINK
I HEAD OUT THE DOOR
TO THE PUB FOR A DRINK.
I JUMP IN THE CAR
TURN THE KEY IN THE SWITCH
IT ONLY GOES 'CLICK'
I SCREAM,'SON OF A BITCH!'
A COMPUTERIZED IGNITION
HAS JUST SEALED MY FATE
NOT SET UP
FOR THE '2000' DATE.
I TWITCH LIKE A MADMAN
THIS CANNOT BE TRUE
NO CAR, HEAT, OR MONEY
WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO.
SHOUTING OBSCENITIES
AS I RAN OUT OF SIGHT
HAPPY Y2K TO ALL
IT'S BEEN ONE HELL OF A NIGHT!
Are you listening to me?!
I hate it when my wife says "Are you listening to me?!"
Such a random way to start a conversation.
A funeral service is being hel...
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket to find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking the husband cries out,
"WATCH OUT FOR THE WALL"
Chelsea Handler: Not Excited About Alcoholism
Theres a good chance I may be an alcoholic. You think guys would be a little more excited about that. All they do is bitch and moan. You drink too much. You sleep too much. Its like, if you were drunk all the time, youd be tired, too. Not speaking...
Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."
An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table: "It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"
Knock-knock...
Knock-knock. Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes the police! Come out with your hands up!
Drone stuck in a tree
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree hasn’t been the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
By Reddit User https://www.reddit.com/user/porichoygupto/
I will grant you three wishes . . . maybe!?
An older couple were walking on a beach when the husband tripped over a bottle and a genie came out.
“You can each have one wish,” said the genie. The wife made her wish first “I would like to travel around the world, with my husband,”.
Suddenly there appeared in her hand two tickets for travel around the world.
Now it was the husbands turn, “Well” said the husband, with a naughty look on his face “I wish I can have a younger companion,” . The words were barely out of his mouth when poof,
he aged 20 years!
Found on https://throughopenlens.com , posted on June 22, 2015 by Lukas Kondraciuk
A talk on sex
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."
Sam has been in business for 2...
Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there."Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5...
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".
If someone with multiple perso...
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is that considered a hostage crisis? Parents explaining body parts
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers.
“Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the son asks.
“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Q: What do you get when you cr...
Q: What do you get when you cross a fortune teller with a prostitute? A: A whoroscope.
Rain Rain Go Away
It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it...
He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.
