Jokes of the day for Thursday, 12 February 2026

Reasonable doubt...

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.

There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.

The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

Whiskey no worms

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.

After years of this the wife wants him to quit, so she gets 2 shot glasses, filling 1 with water the other with whiskey.

She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too.

She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies.

She says "so what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He says "IF I DRINK WHISKEY I WON'T GET WORMS!"

Gin Jokes - to celebrate World Gin Day

Second Saturday in June is World Gin Day. Celebrate it with short jokes

They say gin can damage your short-term memory.
If that's the case, just imagine what gin can do.

I love water -
especially when it's frozen in cubes and surrounded by gin.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar -
and orders a gin, and tonic.

I tried to say no to gin -
but it's 42.5% stronger than me

A true friend reaches for your hand …
and puts a glass of gin in it.

Charles Dickens: A martini please.
Bartender: Olive or twist?

A gorilla goes up to a bar and asks for a gin and tonic.
The bartender makes the G&T and says: "That'll be £20 - and I must say we don't get many gorillas in here."
The gorilla replies: "With prices like that, I'm not surprised."

Woman: I love you.
Man: Is that you or the gin talking?
Woman: It's me talking to the gin.

Don't cry over spilt milk:
it could have been gin.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin.
Then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass

"Trust me you can dance."
- Gin

PLEASE DRINK GIN RESPONSIBLY.
Don't spill it.

Neutron: How much is a G&T?
Bartender: For you - no charge.

I'm on a gin and tonic diet:
I lost three days last week.

Half-Fare Special

One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.
Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"        

At The Supermarket

On a wintry day, my 90-year-old father was in the supermarket trying to pay for his groceries. Bundled up against the cold, his gloved hands were having trouble retrieving and counting the exact change.
The transaction evidently took too long for the man behind him in line, who muttered a curse.
Dad stopped counting, turned around, and warned, “Be quiet or I’ll write a check.”

I was skinny

I was skinny in high school, so when I got to university I joined a fatternity: eta omega pi

9-1-1, what is your emergency?

"9-1-1, what is your emergency?"

"Help! I was hunting in the woods with my friend, and he suddenly dropped dead for no reason! Oh my God, I'm freaking out!!"

"Calm down, sir, we'll get you through this. The first thing we need to do is make sure that your friend really is dead."

"All right, hold on a second."

BLAM!

"Okay, now what?"

One night, a lady stumbled int...

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

Dictionary and thesaurus

“After he bought a dictionary and thesaurus his life became more meaningful.”

One day, a man at a restaurant...

One day, a man at a restaurant suddenly called out, "Help! My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He casually walked over, wrapped his arms around the boy's abdomen and squeezed.
Out popped the quarter.
The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

20 Best dad jokes of all time

The funniest dad jokes ever told.

This 20 are voted as The best Dad jokes ever told but you can find also more Jokes for Father's Day to share with your father.

1. This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.

2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.

3. Dad, can you put my shoes on?
No, I don't think they'll fit me.

4. I used to hate facial hair…
but then it grew on me.

5. Can you put the cat out?
I didn't know it was on fire.

6. Wife said are you ever going stop singing Wonderwall.
I said maybe…

7. Ah, this takes me back when
putting the car into reverse.

8. I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y.

9. What do you call a magician who lost their magic?
Ian.

10. How do I look?
With your eyes.

11. Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut!

12. I'm afraid for the calendar.
Its days are numbered.

13. Wanna hear a joke about a pizza?
Never mind, it’s too cheesy.

14. I used to be addicted to the hokey cokey,
but I turned myself around.

15. I am terrified of lifts.
I'm going to take steps to avoid them.

16. What did one wall say to the other?
I'll meet you at the corner.

17. I used to be addicted to soap,
but I'm clean now.

18. How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.

19. Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it's a soap opera.

20. Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.

A woman asked an Army General when was the last time...

A woman asked an Army General when was the last time he had made love to a woman.

The general replied “1956, ma’am.” The woman, in disbelief, said “1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better.” The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said “Well, you sure haven’t forgotten anything since 1956...” The general looked at her, confused, and replied “I sure hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”

Starbucks divorce

“The Starbucks worker wanted a divorce on the grounds that her husband was a real drip.”

My boss was honest with me today

He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it.

He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

Dear Employees...

Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the Service have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training..
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,Human Resources