Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 06 November 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 06 November 2024 |
A man walks into a open Hollywood audition…
A man walks into a open Hollywood audition.He gets inside and begins to fill out his audition form, rehearse his monologue, and stand in line.
After a while he gets into the audition room and hands the casting director his audition form. He takes his spot on stage and is about to launch into his monologue when he hears rowdy laughing coming from the casting director.
He asks, "What's going on?"
Through tears of laughter, the casting director asks him "Is this your real name, Penis Car Lesbian??"
The man responds "yes I know it is a silly name, but please try to ignore that. My parents were drunk when they named me and just chose three silly words."
The casting director manages to stop laughing and tells the man "I'm sorry but you have to change your name if you want to make it big in Hollywood.
The man gets upset and storms out of the audition.
The casting director shrugs and calls out the next person.
10 years later the director recives a 100,000 dollar check along with a letter.
Puzzled over who would send him such a thing, he opens up the letter and reads it:
"Dear sir,
While you may not remember me I came to an audition 10 years ago.
There you told me that I would never make it big if I didn't change my name from Penis Car Lesbian.
After I left, I realized you were right and I did change my name.
However I was too ashamed to return back to you so I found other auditions.
But your advice really helped and I got a lot of big acting roles. As you were the first one to truly help me, I decided to send you a little check.
Sincerely,
Dick Van Dyke"
The Lab Assistant
So I was in the chemist lab and I said to the assistant, “What gets rid of germs?”
She said, "Ammonia cleaner."
I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here...”
Filming on location for Walker...
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.A blonde and a lawyer are seat...
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and, if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Not me!
A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a large evening ashore.As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself.
Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he?d also shit in your pants."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Barmen
Our lager,Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we will forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager.
For ever and ever.
Barmen.
Holmes Investigation
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend."Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
The children were lined up in...
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples'.
Marriage counselor
Husband to counselor: We were very happy for 22 years.Counselor: What happened?
Husband: We got married.
Counselor, turning to wife: Do you agree with your husband's assessment of your marriage?
Wife: Yes, the only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
Definition: ASKHOLE
- A Person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them. National Dolphin Day Jokes
Today is National Dolphin Day! Find a joke about it!
Why don't dolphins play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net!
What is a dolphin’s favourite TV programme?
Whale of fortune!
What does a dolphin ask when he doesn't understand?
Can you be more Pacific?!
How do dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
#worlddolphinday
1· I used to eat a lot o...
1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. 2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
3· Life is sexually transmitted.
4· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
7· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
8· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it Normal .
11· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever Comes out'?
13· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
14· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
15· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
16· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
18· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
19· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
20· Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
Catching Cows
More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.
"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."
"I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"
Math Teacher
Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?" Student: "A drinking problem."
