The weirdest Christmas

He un-rapped his presence.
Jokes to Impress Girlfriend

What did the barista say to their crush?
I like you a latte.
If you were a phone from Apple, then you would be called iGorgeous.
Are you a parking ticket?
Because you've got fine written all over you.
You are hotter than the bottom of my laptop after I have been binge-watching Netflix.
What did one raspberry say to the other?
I love you berry much.
Is your name Wi-Fi?
Because I feel a connection.
What did the magnet say to the fridge?
You're attractive.
Can I borrow a kiss from you?
I promise you that I will give it back.
Wait! Before you cast those dreamy eyes on me, I want to get my maps and GPS ready.
Okay, go!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you stunning!
I believe in following my dreams.
Can I have your Instagram?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cheese.
Cheese who?
Cheese, you're awfully cute!
My therapist and I have been trying to figure out why I seem to have lost my mind.
Then I realized that it's all your fault.
I'm crazy for you.
Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie to my diary?
What do you call two birds in love?
Tweet-hearts!
What did the calculator say to the pen?
You can always count on me!
Why did the Melons get married in a church?
Because they cantaloupe.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! Somebody call the cops because it's got to be illegal to look that good!
What did the squirrel say to its lover?
I'm nuts for you!
Now, what's on the menu?
Me-n-u
Why shouldn't you break up with a goalie?
Because they're a keeper.
What did the two prunes call their dinner plans?
A date.
Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?
Do you have a name or can I just call you mine?
They say kissing is a love language.
Do you want to start a conversation?
You must be a banana because you're very a-peeling.
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
Ouch! I must have scraped my knee falling for you.
Are you the sun?
Because my whole world revolves around you.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I pass by you again?
I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.
[Sneeze as you walk by them] Oh no need to bless me.
God already did by putting you in my life.
Do I know you?
Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
Hey.
I'm an unemployed guy with a certificate in cuddling, a diploma in caring, and a degree in kissing.
Do you have a job for me?
Picking leaves .. and few more short jokes

I'm an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water.
It's my special tea.
“I have a split personality” said Bob, being frank.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath.
But I can’t even finish drinking the hot bath.
I don't own a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into!
I asked my boss, "Can I get a couple of weeks off for Christmas?"
"It's May," he said.
I said, "Sorry. May I get a couple of weeks off for Christmas?"
30 Earth Day Jokes! Celebrate Earth Day of 2023

April 22nd is Earth Day! Take care of earth!
1. Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green.
2. Why are people always tired on Earth Day?
Because they just finished a March.
3. How can you tell the ocean is friendly?
It waves.
4. Why is grass so dangerous?
Because it’s full of blades.
5. Why did the sun go to school?
To get brighter.
6. How do you cut a wave in half?
Use a sea saw.
7. What did the tree wear to the pool party?
Swimming trunks.
8. What did the ground say to the earthquake?
You crack me up!
9. What kind of shorts to clouds wear?
Thunderwear!
10. Why do tornadoes zigzag?
They’re dizzy.
11. Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
12. What’s the difference between weather and climate?
You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate.
13. What kind of plant grow on your hand?
Palm tree.
14. What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
You have to been careful not to step in a poodle.
15. What is a tree’s least favorite month?
Sep-timber!
16. What’s the biggest moth in the world?
A mammoth!
17. What did the little tree say to the big tree?
Leaf me alone!
18. Did you hear about the power plant that was bad for the environment all year?
He got coal for Christmas.
19. What did one lightening bolt say to the other??
You're truly shocking!
20. Mother to son: "You shouldn't always lounge around so lazily on the couch!"
Son: "I'm doing something for the environment — I'm saving energy!
21. What is a tree’s least favorite month?
Sep-timber!
22. What did the tree wear to the pool party?
Swimming trunks.
23. How can you tell the ocean is friendly?
It waves.
24. A climate scientist and a climate change denier walk into a bar.
The denier says, nice to see you.
The climate scientist says, nice to CO2.
25. If I ride my bike twice
… does that count as RE-CYCLING?
26. "I'm vegan, by the way," says a vegan. "Oh, probably out of your love for animals?" a friend replies. "No, out of plant hatred, pure plant hatred!"
27. Freedom for the gummy bears! Away with the plastic bags!
28. What kind of bow can't be tied?
A rainbow!
29. How do hurricanes see?
With one eye!
30. My teacher wanted me to come up with a set of steps that we could use to save the environment …
So I created an Al Gore-ithm.
Gift Exchange
My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework.
One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ___________.”
His response: “Receipts.”
Christmas Present

You are not getting divorced!

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is long enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell theyre getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "Youre not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, and don't file papers. DO YOU HEAR ME? She hangs up the phone.
The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, theyre both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.
Letters from Little Boys to God

An Atheist's Holiday
An atheist became incensed over Christmas holiday preparations. He filed a lawsuit about the constant celebrations given to Christians and Jews while atheists had no holiday to celebrate. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long, passionate presentation by the atheist's lawyer, the judge banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!"The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling. "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah. Yet, my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously, your client is too confused to know about, much less celebrate, his own atheist holiday!" The lawyer pompously said, "Your honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be?" The judge replied, "Well, it comes every year on exactly the same date. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, if your client says there is no God then, according to the Bible, he is a fool. April Fool's Day is his holiday. Now, get out of my courtroom!"-Christmas tree search

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
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