Short jokes - funny one liners (1 to 40)

Something In Her Eye

"Last week a grain of sand got into my wife's eye and she had to go to the doctor. It cost me fifty dollars."
"That's nothing, last week a fur got in my wife's eye and it cost me five hundred dollars."

Dental Terminology

(Dentist) This is going to pinch a little.
(Patient) I love the way you guys substitute words like 'pinch' for 'pain'.
(Dentist) You're right. Hang on to your chair, this is going to hurt like hell.

Cardiac Problems

My paramedic team was called to an emergency. Before we took the patient to the hospital, I had a question for his wife. “Does your husband have any cardiac problems?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said with a note of concern. “His cardiologist just died.”

Little Dozing Johnny

Dad: "Johnny, go to bed. You're dozing off on the couch..."
Little Johnny (opening his eyes): "No dad, I'm not dozing... I'm just blinking reaaaally sloooowly."

Broken Arm

A guy goes to the doctor.
Guy: "Doc, I think I broke my arm in three places."
Doctor: "Well, don't go to those places!"

Cheese You Say?

Know when you have a problem?
When you stand in your living room to take a picture, and after you say "Cheese", a rat jumps out and says, "Where?"

Stolen Glasses

To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you, I have contacts!

How Much Do You Love Me?

A girl asks a boy, "Peter, how much do you love me?"
The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."
The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”
Boy nods, "Exactly."

Salad for Dinner

I came home from work this evening and said to my wife, "Are we having salad for dinner?"
"Yes we are, how did you know?" she asked.
I replied, "Because I can't hear the smoke alarm."

Wonder Woman and Spider-Man

What would Wonder Woman and Spider-Man name their business?
Amazon Web Services.

Young Deer

A young deer in the woods learned to use all four hooves equally well...
He was known to be bambidextrous.

And Scene

"Are you an actress, auntie?"
"No darling, why do you ask?"
"Because Daddy says whenever you come over, we have a scene."

Triple the Laugh

Saw the cutest TRIPLETS in the mall last week. Each had a personalized shirt.
1st shirt said: I WAS PLANNED.
2nd one said: I WAS NOT.
3rd said: ME NEITHER!

When You See A Spaceman

What do you do when you see a SPACEMAN?
You park your car in it!

Hope It's A Boy

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
"Doctor, what's going on?" asked the concerned father-to-be.
"Don't worry," said the doctor, "those are just contractions."

Definition of Nutella

Nutella: Noun
God's favourite spreadable condiment; typically manufactured by pixies in the magical Land of Yum.

Conveyor Belt Job

During college, I worked on a conveyor belt. One day, I was on a blind date, and she asked me about my job.
"I work at the end of a belt," I said.
With an ebullient smile, she asked, "Are you the buckle?"

Last Year On Cyber Monday

Last year I bought an instructional boxing DVD on Cyber Monday.
This year I went shopping on Black Friday!

It Kept On Defrosting

My wife was getting annoyed that I kept leaving freezer door open and it kept on defrosting.
We have since split up, it’s all water under the fridge.

Giggle and Gobble

Why did the Turkey snicker alongside the stuffing?
It was an inside joke.

Playing Poker

I once played poker with tarot cards...
I got a full house and four people died.

Cognitive Consideration

I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift."
But couldn't people learn to think a bit bigger?!?!

Catch and Retweet

Give a man a fish, and he’ll 
Instagram it...
Teach a man to fish, and he’ll still Instagram it.

Musical Payment

How do musicians pay their debts?
With quarter notes.

What Part of the Body

What part of the human body is called the "yet"?
I don't know either, but in the paper it said this lady got shot and they haven't got the bullet out of her yet.

Little Johnny and the Flies

Teacher: If there are seven flies and I hit one with a ruler, how many are left?
Little Johnny: Just the squashed one.

Feelings

The wife told her husband, "Let's go antique shopping today. I'm feeling Victorian."
"No," he said, "let's not... I'm feeling baroque!"

Pick Your Poison

In Ancient Rome there were 4 types of poison.
Poison I, II and III would all kill you.
However Poison IV, would make you really itchy.

I Gave My Father $100

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.”
So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

Your Vote That Counts

In a democracy it's your vote that counts...
In feudalism, it's your Count that votes!

My Bad Dude

Apparently, this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog.
My bad dude, my bad...

A, B, or C?

A mother walked up to the pharmacist and said, "I would like vitamins for my son."
"Vitamin A, B or C?" the pharmacist asked.
It doesn't matter," the mother replied. "He can't read yet."

My 7-year-old asked me to take

He said, "Fuck it, take me to KFC."

Who Shall Pass First

Hey Dad, can you pass the salt?
I don't know, son, can you pass the semester?

Halloween Drink

What do you drink on Halloween?
Boos.

Great short jokes for mid-week laugh

Sadly my obese parrot just died.
But it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

As I was sitting drinking my morning cup of tea in my slippers, I thought to myself...
I really must wash some cups!

"999. Which emergency service do you require?"
"What time is the next train out of Victoria station?"
"Sir, that is not an emergency."
"It most certainly is, I'm tied to the tracks!"

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.

A midget walks into a library and asked the librarian if there are any books about irony.
The librarian says yes it’s on the top shelf.

How many beans should you put in a pot of chili?
239. Just one more and it'll be too-farty.

My friend decided to get a face tattoo of his favourite Star Wars character…
You should have seen the Luke on his face!

My wife was blaming me for ruining her birthday
that's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was her birthday.

My wife was mad at me because I only spent half a minute celebrating her birthday
In my defense, she told me it was her 32nd birthday

How can you convert dollars to pounds?
By visiting McDonalds

She took me upstairs, got me to take all my clothes off and tied me to the bed..
And that’s why we aren’t allowed in IKEA anymore.

A Forum

What is a forum?
It's two-um plus two-um.

Superman calls to Lois Lane...

Lois comes into the room and says, "What is it?"

Superman points across the room at their dog, whom he has dressed up with glasses and a tie.

Lois says, "... who the hell is that?"

A man walked into a library and asked the librarian...

The librarian replied, "It rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

Definition of Math

Ever wonder what the definition of MATH is?
M... Mental
A... Abuse
T... To
H... Humans