Short jokes - funny one liners (1 to 40)

My girlfriend got a shitty haircut and she’s crying...

I don’t know what she’s crying about, I’m the one that has to get a new girlfriend.

Superb Dancer

Instructor: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Student: What are the two things?
Instructor: Your feet.

Mummy and Daddy

Son to Dad: "What's the difference between an Egyptian mummy and our mummy?"

Dad to Son: "It's simple son. When we see an Egyptian mummy, you get fear. But when we see your mummy, then I get fear!"

10 Fresh Jokes for a Midweek Laugh

I was once served French pancakes in a haunted house…
They gave me the crepes!

Dentist: "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen."
Patient: "I heard you the first time. You didn't have to say it twice."
Dentist: "I didn't. That was my echo."

I got fired from Pepsi after working there for 20 years.
I tested positive for coke.

Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"

What do you call a man with a toe on his knee?
Tony.

It's ironic how funeral directors have raised the price of funerals.
And blamed it on cost of living.

Save money when buying a coffin…
Buy a pen from Amazon and use the box it came in!

I wonder what Jeff Bezos does before he goes to bed.
Probably puts his pyjamazon.

I paid $500 for a belt.
It was a huge waist.

My girlfriend has always said that I'm not a romantic.
So I surprised her and proposed to her in a castle.
You would think she would have been happy
but for the look on her face as we were bouncing around........

Fruity Drink

Question: What do you get when you mix vodka, orange juice, and milk of magnesia?
Answer: A Phillips' screwdriver.

A man jumps the fence into a tiger enclosure...

Paying Extra for Good Looks

The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.
I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”
“Yes,” she replied, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”

Biden just did what your dad could...

Slow Clock

My wife complained that the kitchen clock had nearly killed her mother, as it fell off the wall seconds after where she had been sitting underneath it.
That darn clock has always been slow.

Looking Better

What is the difference between a salon and a saloon?
A salon is where you go to make yourself look better.
A saloon is where you go to make everyone else look better.

More Exercise

I know I need to build up my fitness with exercise and good health...
But at the same time my body is telling me no whey!

Describe Me In Five Words

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.
She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and ultimately I'm perfect!
Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

We Call It An Opportunity

Man (to his boss): "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok then, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

A Camera and A Foot

What’s the difference between a camera and a foot?
A camera has photos while a foot has five toes.

Doctor Call

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."

Cooking Fish

Jack: "Do you know how long fish should be cooked?"
Jill: "Probably the same as short fish."

Never Single

Do you know why potatoes are never single in a bag?
Because they have a lot of buds.

Dressing Like This

A teenage boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress like this."
"Then why do you?" asked the friend.
"It keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."

Dolphin Smarts

Dolphins are so intelligent...
That within a few weeks of captivity, they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw to them fish three times a day.

Sometimes...

Sometimes... when you cry... no one sees your tears .
Sometimes... when you are worried... no one sees your pain.
Sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile.
But fart just one time...

What's the Fly Doing?

Customer: "Waiter, waiter, what’s this fly doing in my soup?"
The waiter leans forward to get a better look.
Waiter: “Looks like the backstroke, sir.”

My wife said...

Do I?

Husband: "Honey, why do you usually answer me back with a question when I ask you a question?"
Wife: "Is that what I do?"

We Don't Need No Stinkin' Dimensions

First Assistant: "So what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that everything fits?"
Person who invented the first public bathroom stall: "Ah, don't worry about that. Can't stress enough how unimportant that part is."

Green Grape Says

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
"BREATHE YOU IDIOT, BREATHE!"

I think my family might be racist

A One Exhibit Zoo

I went to the zoo.
There was only ONE exhibit in the entire zoo.
It was a Shih Tzu.

Doing Nothing

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Nothing.
Wife: You did that yesterday.
Me: I wasn't finished.

Being In Prison

What's the difference between being in prison and being a corporate employee?
In prison you get free health care.

The Heartfelt Greeting Card

Woman: "Do you have a greeting card which reads 'You are my first and last love'?"
Store keeper: "Yes ma'am, we do."
Woman: "Perfect! Give me 10 such cards!"

A Man with Glasses

Never hit a man with glasses...
Use your fists instead.

Dead End Street

I live on a dead end street.
It is electrically deficient.
There are no outlets!

Wife Is Being Unfaithful

How can you tell if your wife is being unfaithful?
You move from Chicago to Seattle and you still have the same mailman.

Definition of a Bachelor

What is the definition of a bachelor?
A man who doesn't have to leave the party just as he's beginning to enjoy himself.

Couples Time

Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships just don't work out.

Buffalo's Milk

"Mom says that drinking a buffalo's milk makes us smarter."
"She's lying. If it did make one smarter, then the buffalo's calves would be scientists."

Early Morning Make-Up

A wife started doing her make up as soon as she woke up.
Her husband asked the reason.
She replied, "I have locked my phone with facial recognition. And it's not recognizing me without makeup."

Are You Reading That?

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper when a guy comes over and asks, "Are you reading that?"
I didn’t know what to say. So I said, "Yes."
I then stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

House of Representatives

After serving for several years in the House of Representatives, Charlie decided to run for a seat in the Senate.
A fellow congressman asked Charlie why he was making this change.
Charlie explained: "My wife wanted me out of the house."

What does a Polish girl get on her wedding...