Short jokes - funny one liners (1 to 40)

UK Trip Results

After a vacation in London, a couple had a little chat...
Husband: How should I get rid of the British Pounds I brought back?
Wife: Take them to a bank and covert them to dollars.
Husband: I'm not sure they'll do that. I think I just need to eat less and walk more.

Wool Socks

Why did the woman give her fiance wool socks?
She didn't want him to get cold feet.

Ask Dad

"If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"
"One dollar."
"You don't know your arithmetic."
"You don't know my father!"

International Sarcasm

"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," my boss told me.
"Well it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him.
"Really?" he asked.
"No," I said.

International Dance Day Jokes: Celebrate on April 29th With Some Serious Dancefloor Laughs

April 29th is International Dance Day—time to move your feet and your funny bone! Celebrate with these dance jokes that have better rhythm than most of us on a Friday night

I started taking salsa dancing lessons but just don’t feel like I’m progressing...
It’s one step forwards, two steps back.

I have decided to give up tap dancing; it's too dangerous.
I fell off and twisted my ankle in the sink.

Why don't dogs make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!

Check some older International Dance Day Jokes

How many dance teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
5678

Why do dancers say 5, 6, 7, 8?
Because the musicians already took 1, 2, 3, 4.

A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – breakdancing, moonwalking, backflips, every dance move going. The wife turns to her husband and says...
“See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago, he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”

I had a fish that could breakdance on the floor...
But only for like 30 seconds... and only once.

What kind of monster is the best dancer?
The Boogieman!

Where do fortune tellers dance?
At the crystal ball.

What is a pretzel's favorite dance?
The Twist.

I told my mother-in-law that I would dance on her grave when she died.
Just to spite me, she got buried at sea.

What do you call a log that can dance?
A logarithm.

I'm Hungry or I'm Serious

"Dad, I am hungry."
"Hi Hungry, I'm Dad."
"Dad, I'm serious."
"I thought you were Hungry?"
"Are you kidding me?"
"Nope, I'm Dad."

Born In 1935

A little boy asked his grandmother what year she was born.
She told him she was born in 1935.
"Wow!" the boy exclaimed. "If you were a baseball card, you'd be worth lots of money!"

The Worst Memory

Catelin: My Mom has the worst memory.
Amanda: She forgets everything?
Catelin: No, she remembers everything!

Elephant With A Skunk

What do you get when cross an elephant and a skunk?
A smell that you will never forget.

Working From Home

Yesterday I saw my neighbor kicking in his own door...
Turns out he's a burglar who started working from home.

Photographic Evidence

A customer walked up to my bank window and asked me to cash a check.
“Of course,” I said. “But I’ll need to see ID.”
She dug though her purse and handed me a snapshot.
“That’s me in the middle,” she said.

🥕 Carrot Day Jokes – 10 Crunchy Laughs for April 4th!

April 4th is International Carrot Day, and we're celebrating the funniest root in the veggie patch! Whether you're a fan of puns or just here for the laughs, these carrot jokes will have you peeling with laughter.

Why was the programmer eating carrots?
So that they could C#!

How do carrots pay their bills?
With celery.

Check out some older carrot jokes 🥕

Why did the carrot go to therapy?
It had too many deep-rooted issues.

What did the carrot say during a job interview?
“I’m very well-rounded and great with stew-dents.”

How do you make gold soup?
Put 24 carrots in it! Why was the carrot a terrible musician?
Because it always lost its beat in the stew.

What did the baby carrot say after a long day?
"I'm totally steamed."

What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?
Get out of my face!

How do carrots stay fit?
They do carrot-te.

Peanut Butter and Jelly Day Jokes

Happy National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day! Celebrate April 2, 2025 with some deliciously nutty jokes:

Why did the peanut butter break up with the jelly?
Because it felt smothered!

What’s a peanut butter and jelly sandwich’s favorite type of music?
Smooth jams.

Why did the PB&J go to therapy?
They had a lot of spread-out issues.

What did the bread say after the PB&J got together?
“You two are really my jam!”

Want more puns? Check out this hilarious list of peanut butter puns.

Why did the peanut butter apply for a job?
It wanted to spread its skills.

What do you call jelly that’s always in a rush?
Jam-packed!

Why don’t peanut butter and jelly ever get into arguments?
Because they always stick together.

Here’s another funny one: The Peanut Butter Rooster.

What’s a jelly’s favorite pickup line?
“Are you toast? ‘Cause I want to be on you.”

What did the grape jelly say to the peanut butter at the party?
“Let’s jam!”

Why did the PB&J sandwich go to school?
To become a little smarter and more well-bread!

Bar Joke

A scotsman, an englishman and an irishman walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this?

Some kind of a joke?"

True Happiness

A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you!"

Holiday Wedlock

"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Reilly!"

Typical HR

"I proposed to my girl friend last night, who just got promoted to a HR position earlier in the day."
"That is cool! What did she say?"
She said, "We will get back to you soon."

Sergeant Abuse

A sergeant gives a private a hard time. He says, "Private, I bet you are just waiting for me to die so you can come and urinate on my grave!"
The private replied, "No sir, when I get out of the army I am not going to stand in more long, long lines!"

Getting Old

You know you're getting old when...
When your son's hair is turning gray.

Iron Man And Iron Woman

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
Iron Man is a superhero.
Iron Woman is a command.

The Difference Between Outlaws and In-laws

Q: What's the difference between Outlaws and In-laws?
A: Outlaws are wanted.

Money Woes

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck...
But through hard work, time and perseverance...
I now live direct deposit to direct deposit!

Statistics

The 50-50-90 rule:
If you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right...
There’s a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The Future of Technology

I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter spoke up.
“You know what they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never gets lost.”

Worth A Try

Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks.
If you are diving and are approached by a shark, they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible.
If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump.

New Skunk Band

Did you hear about the skunks that started a boy band?
They are calling themselves "The Back Streak Boys"!

Elderly Honeymooners

Did you hear about the ninety-two-year old man who married a woman of eighty-four?
They spent their entire honeymoon getting out of the car.

Difference Between In-laws and Out-laws

What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are usually wanted.

Hand-Me-Downs

Joe: When I would wear my hand-me-downs to school, all the boys would make fun of me.
Moe: What did you do?
Joe: I hit them over the head with my purse.

Memory

I had amnesia once...
... or maybe twice.

Lottery Winnings

I won $3 million on the Lottery this weekend. I decided to donate a quarter of it to Charity.
Now I have $2,999,999.75!

Near-sex Experience

I just had a near-sex experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.

Alphabet Soup

The man in the cafe asked the waiter, "What is this mouse doing in my alphabet soup?"
The waiter looked for a minute and said, "Learning to read sir."

Something In Her Eye

"Last week a grain of sand got into my wife's eye and she had to go to the doctor. It cost me fifty dollars."
"That's nothing, last week a fur got in my wife's eye and it cost me five hundred dollars."

Dental Terminology

(Dentist) This is going to pinch a little.
(Patient) I love the way you guys substitute words like 'pinch' for 'pain'.
(Dentist) You're right. Hang on to your chair, this is going to hurt like hell.

Cardiac Problems

My paramedic team was called to an emergency. Before we took the patient to the hospital, I had a question for his wife. “Does your husband have any cardiac problems?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said with a note of concern. “His cardiologist just died.”

Little Dozing Johnny

Dad: "Johnny, go to bed. You're dozing off on the couch..."
Little Johnny (opening his eyes): "No dad, I'm not dozing... I'm just blinking reaaaally sloooowly."

Broken Arm

A guy goes to the doctor.
Guy: "Doc, I think I broke my arm in three places."
Doctor: "Well, don't go to those places!"

Cheese You Say?

Know when you have a problem?
When you stand in your living room to take a picture, and after you say "Cheese", a rat jumps out and says, "Where?"

Stolen Glasses

To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you, I have contacts!