Short jokes - funny one liners (41 to 80)

I was sitting on the sofa last night watching TV...

Then she asked, "How about now?

Dr. Bill

Patient to his doctor: "I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s getting worse. What can I do?"
Doctor: "Yes, this is a known illness, unfortunately it has no cure. On that note, I'd like to remind you about the $800 that you owe me."

I went to the dentist for the first time in 5 years...

I told him “bro, you were there!”

A 60 year old millionaire got married with a 20 year old model...

When his friends asked him how he did it, he said: "I lied about my age."

They then asked: "Ah, so you said you were 40?" He answered: "No I said I was 90."

Money For the Man

Little Johnny rushes inside, out of breath and shouts, "Mother! Mother! Give me some money for the poor old man that's shouting along the road!"

His mother replies, "What is he shouting?"
"Ice creams! Come get your ice cream..."

Funny Friday the 13th Jokes to Brighten Your Day

On Friday the 13th, I dreamt that a horse in armor was chasing me.
It was a Knightmare.

What’s the scariest thing to do on Friday the 13th?
Check your bank account.

Read more on page: 22 Friday The 13th Jokes

I don't have to be Freddie Krueger...
to be the man of your dreams.

Monday the 13th
sounds much worse than Friday the 13th.

Why don't mathematicians fear Friday the 13th?
Because they know it's just another irrational fear.

The Helpful Zombie

A guy gets bitten by a zombie but he hasn't completely turned yet. The end of his finger fell off so he handed it to a non-infected man saying, "This can happen to you, now run!"
Before running, the appreciative man looks back and says, "Thanks for the tip!"

My Son, the Chicken

"Doctor, I have a son who thinks he's a chicken," said the man.
"Why don't you bring him in for treatment?" asked the doctor.
"We need the eggs," replied the man.

Child’s Birthday Wish

Child: "Mom, may I have a bicycle for my birthday?"
Mom: "Will it make you behave any better if I do?"
Child: "No, but I’ll behave over a wider area."

A Vegan and A Programmer

What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?
One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by a lack of RAM.

Rub It In

I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream...
I can’t wait to rub it in!

Some short Labor Day Jokes

First Monday in September is Labor Day, enjoy Monday Off.

I had a joke about Labor Day...
unfortunately it didn’t work out

Did you hear the joke about Labor Day?
It really doesn’t work for me.

What’s a laborer’s favorite exercise?
“Work-outs!”

Have some jokes during 3 day weekend and check out some older Older Labor day jokes Read more on page:

Why is it cheap to have zombie employees?
Because they don’t need a living wage.

What did the employee say at the end of the long weekend?
I guess it’s back to the grind!

What do you usually do on Labour Day?
As little as possible, just like every day!

Educated Owl

What does an educated owl say?
Whom... Whom...

Quick Friday laugh - two short IT jokes

Me: You know, since it doesn't have a tail, I'm pretty sure it is actually a hamster.
Tech support: Okay sir. Please right-click your hamster...

It was sad to read that the guy who invented the computer mouse died.
Police suspect witchcraft as everyone they have spoken to have placed the cursor on him.

Top 15 jokes of the 2024 Edinburgh Fringe

I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it.
- Mark Simmons

I've been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don't feel like I'm progressing. It's just one step forward... two steps back.
- Alec Snook

Ate horse at a restaurant once - wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful.
- Alex Kitson

I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it.
- Arthur Smith

I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.
- Mark Simmons

My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes.
- Olaf Falafel

British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons?
- Chelsea Birkby

I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I've cracked it.
- Masai Graham

My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had.
- Zoë Coombs Marr

The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati.
- Olaf Falafel

I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’.
- Sarah Keyworth

I've got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I'd never bought her that vineyard.
- Roger Swift

Gay people are very bad at maths. We don't naturally multiply.
- Lou Wall

Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher.
- Sophie Duker

Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people.
- Olga Koch

Scary TV

A cow and a pig are watching TV.
Pig: "Wanna watch something scary?"
Cow: "Okay by me."
So the pig changes channel to the Food Network.

That's Impossible

Drunkard #1: I will become the chief prime minister tomorrow!
Drunkard #2: That's impossible... I haven't resigned yet.

Do It When You Can

If you want to change the world, do it when you are single!
Once you' re married, you can't even change the TV channel.

How Do I Get It To Slow Down

To get his mind off his losing streak at the racetrack, I took my friend horseback riding. Being a novice, he freaked when his horse took off.
"How do I get it to slow down?!" he yelled.
"Bet on it!" I hollered back.

Where I Come From

"Those are fighting words where I come from!"
"Well, then why don't you fight?!?!"
"Cause I ain't where I come from!"

Wifi Password

Johnny’s Father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. “It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right?
T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M

Lizard Jokes - to celebrate World Lizard Day

August 14th is World Lizard Day. Get involved with celebrating World Lizard Day by sharing some Lizard jokes

I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn’t stop telling dad jokes.
That’s not a lizard, the store clerk told me.
That’s a stand-up chameleon

I saw a lizard ...
and it became a spotted lizard

What do lizards like to eat with their hamburgers?
French flies

Why did the lizard go on a diet?
Because it was overweight according to its scales.

What do lizards put on their kitchen floors?
Rep-tiles

What is a reptile’s favorite movie?
The Lizard of Oz

What’s a lizard’s favorite sport?
Cricket.

What did the mom chameleon say to her nervous kid on the first day of school?
“Don’t worry, you’ll blend right in!”

Why are lizards so mean and selfish?
Because they are too cold-blooded.

What is a gecko who knows magic called?
A: A Lizard Wizard.

A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.
Walks into a bar
He goes up to the barman and says:
I'll have a pint please and a gin and tonic for Tiny here
The barman starts making the drinks and asks
Why do you call him Tiny?
The guy says:
Because he's my newt.

Why the Big Pause?

A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and...(pause)...... cola."
"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender.
The bear shrugged, "I'm not sure, I was born with them."

The Nose

Why is the nose in the middle of your face?
Because it is the scenter!

Most guys have a fantasy of having sex with 2 women at once...

I have fantasy's of having sex with 1 woman twice.

18 Lion Jokes, to Celebrate World Lion Day

Roaring with Laughter: 18 Lion Jokes to Celebrate World Lion Day on August 10th and Raise Awareness for Their Conservation

What's the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A lion won't golf.
But a Tiger wood.

What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing, he was gladiator.

Why don’t lions like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!

How does a lion stop a video?
He presses paws.

How does a lion greet the antelope it meets on the savannah?
“Pleased to eat you!”

Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal!

What happened to the lion who ate the comedian?
He felt funny!

Why don’t lions play cards in the wild?
Because of all the cheetahs!

What do you call a slow and clumsy lion?
A snailion.

What do you call a lion powered by a battery?
A Li-on.

What does a lion call his barber?
His mane man.

What do you call a lion that has eaten your mother’s sister?
An aunt-eater!

What do you call a lion at the North Pole?
Lost.

What does the lion say to his family before they eat a meal?
“Let us prey.

” Why was the lion always invited to the party?
Because he was a real mane attraction! What do you call a lion that doesn't lie?
A not-lion.

What do Christian lions say before they go hunting?
Pray for your supper.

What do you get when you cross a lion with a snowman?
A cold snap.

What lion will never roar?
A dandelion...

I Called Her Bluff

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name.
So I called her Bluff.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says...

They both get a glass of water because the bartender isn't a moron, and anyway what kind of bar even keeps hydrogen peroxide let alone sell it by the glass?

Tickle Your Tuesday: 11 Hilarious Jokes to Brighten Your Day

I really enjoy hearing all of the national anthems played at the Olympics.
I love country music.

In this hot weather, I find the best way to keep cool is to strip off and stand in front of an open refrigerator…
Now I'm banned from Asda, Sainsbury's and Morrisons!

Me: No.
Son: Hmm. I feel like maybe you're not committed to that no.
I'm gonna ask 684 more times to be sure.

My wife had a few glasses of wine and was yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church! He’s in there, you moron!”
So I asked her if we could watch something other than our wedding video?

What do a small pair of underpants and a small dancefloor have in common
No ballroom.

A friend just gave me a bag of sugar as a gift…
I thought it was very sweet!

Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.
That should make the cremation a little more interesting.

Took a girl to a French restaurant, she had frog's legs and chicken breasts.
But her personality was nice.

I just watched a documentary on marijuana...
I think all documentaries should be watched this way

I don’t often roll a joint,
but when I do it’s my ankle.

Horse Jury Duty

A group of horses were moving down towards the horse court for horse jury.
One horse asks another, "Where do we enter again?"
The other horse replies indignantly, "Why the mane entrance of course!"

My girlfriend asked me for something that goes...

Apparently she wasn’t asking for a scale

Unique Species

What is unique about Humans?
Humans are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

That Wasn't the Tooth

Victim: "Hey, that wasn't the tooth I wanted pulled!"
Dentist: "Calm yourself, I'm coming to it."

Reading Is Fun

A mother walks into her own bedroom and is surprised to catch her 10 year old daughter reading her diary. Startled, she just stands there.
"You were right mom," says the daughter. "Reading is fun."

Cowabunga

Police are on the lookout after a man has been breaking into farms and stealing cows.
They are looking for a male with a large moo-stash.

I Wish I Was Rich

A genie came to me and asked, "What's your first wish?"
I answered, "I wish I was rich!"
Then the genie said, "What's your second wish, Rich?"

My girlfriend got a shitty haircut and she’s crying...

I don’t know what she’s crying about, I’m the one that has to get a new girlfriend.

Superb Dancer

Instructor: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Student: What are the two things?
Instructor: Your feet.

Mummy and Daddy

Son to Dad: "What's the difference between an Egyptian mummy and our mummy?"

Dad to Son: "It's simple son. When we see an Egyptian mummy, you get fear. But when we see your mummy, then I get fear!"

10 Fresh Jokes for a Midweek Laugh

I was once served French pancakes in a haunted house…
They gave me the crepes!

Dentist: "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen."
Patient: "I heard you the first time. You didn't have to say it twice."
Dentist: "I didn't. That was my echo."

I got fired from Pepsi after working there for 20 years.
I tested positive for coke.

Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"

What do you call a man with a toe on his knee?
Tony.

It's ironic how funeral directors have raised the price of funerals.
And blamed it on cost of living.

Save money when buying a coffin…
Buy a pen from Amazon and use the box it came in!

I wonder what Jeff Bezos does before he goes to bed.
Probably puts his pyjamazon.

I paid $500 for a belt.
It was a huge waist.

My girlfriend has always said that I'm not a romantic.
So I surprised her and proposed to her in a castle.
You would think she would have been happy
but for the look on her face as we were bouncing around........