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Short jokes - funny one liners (41 to 80)Short funny jokes. These jokes are less 300 chars long, so easy to remember! These are the jokes listed 41 to 80. |
Looking Better
What is the difference between a salon and a saloon?
A salon is where you go to make yourself look better.
A saloon is where you go to make everyone else look better.
Describe Me In Five Words
I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.
She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and ultimately I'm perfect!
Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
We Call It An Opportunity
Man (to his boss): "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok then, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
A Camera and A Foot
What’s the difference between a camera and a foot?
A camera has photos while a foot has five toes.
Never Single
Do you know why potatoes are never single in a bag?
Because they have a lot of buds.
Dressing Like This
A teenage boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress like this."
"Then why do you?" asked the friend.
"It keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."
Sometimes...
Sometimes... when you cry... no one sees your tears .
Sometimes... when you are worried... no one sees your pain.
Sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
My wife said...
My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your fucking obsession with the Wimbledon Championships."We Don't Need No Stinkin' Dimensions
First Assistant: "So what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that everything fits?"
Person who invented the first public bathroom stall: "Ah, don't worry about that. Can't stress enough how unimportant that part is."
Green Grape Says
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
"BREATHE YOU IDIOT, BREATHE!"
I think my family might be racist
I think my family might be racist.I brought my new asian girlfriend home to meet my family and i couldn't believe how rude my wife and kids were to her.
A One Exhibit Zoo
I went to the zoo.
There was only ONE exhibit in the entire zoo.
It was a Shih Tzu.
Doing Nothing
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Nothing.
Wife: You did that yesterday.
Me: I wasn't finished.
Being In Prison
What's the difference between being in prison and being a corporate employee?
In prison you get free health care.
The Heartfelt Greeting Card
Woman: "Do you have a greeting card which reads 'You are my first and last love'?"
Store keeper: "Yes ma'am, we do."
Woman: "Perfect! Give me 10 such cards!"
Dead End Street
I live on a dead end street.
It is electrically deficient.
There are no outlets!
Wife Is Being Unfaithful
How can you tell if your wife is being unfaithful?
You move from Chicago to Seattle and you still have the same mailman.
Definition of a Bachelor
What is the definition of a bachelor?
A man who doesn't have to leave the party just as he's beginning to enjoy himself.
Early Morning Make-Up
A wife started doing her make up as soon as she woke up.
Her husband asked the reason.
She replied, "I have locked my phone with facial recognition. And it's not recognizing me without makeup."
Are You Reading That?
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper when a guy comes over and asks, "Are you reading that?"
I didn’t know what to say. So I said, "Yes."
I then stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
House of Representatives
After serving for several years in the House of Representatives, Charlie decided to run for a seat in the Senate.
A fellow congressman asked Charlie why he was making this change.
Charlie explained: "My wife wanted me out of the house."
Prisoner Escaped
Two prison guards are changing shifts in the morning.
“You know that a prisoner ran off in the night?”
The other guard sighs, “Ah finally, no more of that dang hammering!”
Affordable Luxury
Customer: "I’m looking for something cheap but high quality."
Salesperson: "You’re in luck! This pen writes just like a $100 pen."
Customer: "How much is it?"
Salesperson: "$99.99."
Mr. Aging
As Mr. Aging was browsing through an old newspaper, he read aloud to his wife a news item about men losing their memory cells faster than women do.
"It must be true," she said. "That's the second time you've read that article to me."
A teen boy is buying a pack of condoms for the first time…
A teen boy is buying a pack of condoms for the first time.He sees the price is $10 but when he goes to pay it the register rings it up as $10.65.
“What’s this 65 cents about?” He asks. The cashier says “it’s for the tax.”
“Ah. I was wondering how you keep these things on.”
I've always wanted to start a company called...
I've always wanted to start a company called "Thank You for Calling How May I help You"Then my receptionist will have to answer the phone like "Thank you for calling Thank You for Calling How May I Help You, how may I help you?"
What Do You Have?
Teacher: "Johnny, if you have $20 in one pant pocket, and $35 in the other pant pocket, what do you have?"
Johnny: "That's easy, I have someone else's pants!"
Why Are They So Strong?
Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong?
Because the rest of the days are weekdays.
