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Short jokes - funny one liners (1 to 40)Short funny jokes. These jokes are less 300 chars long, so easy to remember! These are the jokes listed 1 to 40. |
How Much Do You Love Me?
A girl asks a boy, "Peter, how much do you love me?"
The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."
The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”
Boy nods, "Exactly."
Wonder Woman and Spider-Man
What would Wonder Woman and Spider-Man name their business?
Amazon Web Services.
And Scene
"Are you an actress, auntie?"
"No darling, why do you ask?"
"Because Daddy says whenever you come over, we have a scene."
Triple the Laugh
Saw the cutest TRIPLETS in the mall last week. Each had a personalized shirt.
1st shirt said: I WAS PLANNED.
2nd one said: I WAS NOT.
3rd said: ME NEITHER!
When You See A Spaceman
What do you do when you see a SPACEMAN?
You park your car in it!
Definition of Nutella
Nutella: Noun
God's favourite spreadable condiment; typically manufactured by pixies in the magical Land of Yum.
Conveyor Belt Job
During college, I worked on a conveyor belt. One day, I was on a blind date, and she asked me about my job.
"I work at the end of a belt," I said.
With an ebullient smile, she asked, "Are you the buckle?"
It Kept On Defrosting
My wife was getting annoyed that I kept leaving freezer door open and it kept on defrosting.
We have since split up, it’s all water under the fridge.
Playing Poker
I once played poker with tarot cards...
I got a full house and four people died.
Cognitive Consideration
I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift."
But couldn't people learn to think a bit bigger?!?!
What Part of the Body
What part of the human body is called the "yet"?
I don't know either, but in the paper it said this lady got shot and they haven't got the bullet out of her yet.
Little Johnny and the Flies
Teacher: If there are seven flies and I hit one with a ruler, how many are left?
Little Johnny: Just the squashed one.
Feelings
The wife told her husband, "Let's go antique shopping today. I'm feeling Victorian."
"No," he said, "let's not... I'm feeling baroque!"
Pick Your Poison
In Ancient Rome there were 4 types of poison.
Poison I, II and III would all kill you.
However Poison IV, would make you really itchy.
Your Vote That Counts
In a democracy it's your vote that counts...
In feudalism, it's your Count that votes!
My 7-year-old asked me to take
My 7-year-old asked me to take him to McDonald's. I told him if he can spell it, I'll take him. He said, "Fuck it, take me to KFC."
Great short jokes for mid-week laugh
Sadly my obese parrot just died.
But it's a huge weight off my shoulders.
As I was sitting drinking my morning cup of tea in my slippers, I thought to myself...
I really must wash some cups!
"999. Which emergency service do you require?"
"What time is the next train out of Victoria station?"
"Sir, that is not an emergency."
"It most certainly is, I'm tied to the tracks!"
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
A midget walks into a library and asked the librarian if there are any books about irony.
The librarian says yes it’s on the top shelf.
How many beans should you put in a pot of chili?
239. Just one more and it'll be too-farty.
My friend decided to get a face tattoo of his favourite Star Wars character…
You should have seen the Luke on his face!
My wife was blaming me for ruining her birthday
that's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was her birthday.
My wife was mad at me because I only spent half a minute celebrating her birthday
In my defense, she told me it was her 32nd birthday
How can you convert dollars to pounds?
By visiting McDonalds
She took me upstairs, got me to take all my clothes off and tied me to the bed..
And that’s why we aren’t allowed in IKEA anymore.
Superman calls to Lois Lane...
Superman calls to Lois Lane, "Lois come in here a second! I want you to see something."Lois comes into the room and says, "What is it?"
Superman points across the room at their dog, whom he has dressed up with glasses and a tie.
Lois says, "... who the hell is that?"
Definition of Math
Ever wonder what the definition of MATH is?
M... Mental
A... Abuse
T... To
H... Humans
Nut Jokes, to celebrate National Nut Day
National Nut Day is celebrated annually on October 22. Celebrate it with some jokes!
What did one nut say to the nut it was chasing?
"I'm a cashew!"
Why did the nut go to the doctor?
It was feeling a little nutty.
What do you call a nut that sneezes?
A cashew!
How do you make a walnut laugh?
You crack it up!
Why did the peanut get in trouble?
It was acting like a real nutcase.
What did the pecan say to the walnut?
"We're friends because we're both nuts!"
Why are almonds always optimistic?
They always see the glass as half full of nuts.
What is a squirrel's favorite streaming service?
Nut-flix.
Why did the nut go to school?
To become a little smarter.
Why did the squirrel dismantle the clock?
To get to the nuts inside.
What did the nut exclaim when it sneezed?
"Cashew!"
Why did the nut blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
Why are nuts so bad at getting along?
They always drive each other nuts.
What do you call a nut in space?
An astro-nut!
Why was the peanut butter upset?
It was feeling a bit salty.
Why did the nut get a job?
It was out of cashew!
What did the nut say when it had a bad day?
"Oh, nuts!"
Why did the walnut win the race?
It was ahead of the pack.
What's a nut's favorite genre of music?
Rock 'n' roll!
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew a check.
What do you call a nut with a hairy lip?
A pistachio!
What do you call a nut in space?
An astronaut!
What's the best way to catch an elephant?
Hide in the grass and pretend to be a peanut.
Where's the best place to find out facts about nuts?
The inter-nut!
What noise did the nut make when it sneezed?
Cashew!
What kind of spread does the Queen like the most?
Peanut butter!
What's the most valuable kind of nut?
A cashew!
What eats nuts and bolts?
A hungry squirrel!
When do peanuts make you feel good?
When they're complimentary!
Which nut wears a bra?
A chestnut!
How do you know if someone's lost their marbles?
They start playing with their nuts instead.
What's the most expensive nut?
An almond leg!
Which nuts are small, brown and hang from branches?
Monkey nuts!
What nuts can you wear on your feet?
Cashews!
Why did the squirrel sit in the same spot all winter?
He'd buried his nuts there.
Which nut cries the most?
An assaulted peanut!
What's the most common name for girl peanuts?
Michelle!
Did you hear the joke about the peanut, pistachio and cashew?
It was nut funny!
What did the nut chasing another nut say?
I'm going to cashew!
Why did the motorist spread peanut butter on the road?
So they'd have something to go with the traffic jam!
My Girlfriend Isn't Talking to Me
My girlfriend isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
Not sure how I did that...
I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Instead of Drew, I'm going to name my kid...
Instead of Drew, I'm going to name my kid Driew.Now I know what you're thinking, but it's only weird if you read it backwards
