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Best New Jokes

The best jokes in the last two weeks. Top 25 jokes rated by site visitors.

The Forgotten Name

Two old friends met by chance on the street.
After chatting for some time one said to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've forgotten your name. You'll need to tell me".
The other stared at him thoughtfully for a long time, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"

#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.44/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (9)

SLIDESHOW #51 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Hospital Sign

A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' mess saying:
"Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous."
Underneath, a nurse had written:
"The last five are pretty risky, too."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.38/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (8)

It's Not for the Animals

When I met my now wife, I asked if she was vegetarian because she really loved animals.
She responded, "No, I just really hate vegetables."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

28 Morbidly Amusing Dark Humor Jokes to Tickle Your Macabre Side

If you find these jokes funny, something is probably wrong with you!

I was digging in the garden and happened to find a chest with a lot of gold coins.
I wanted to run home to tell my wife about it.
Then I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children.

The doctor gave me one month to live, so I shot him with my gun.
The judge gave me 15 years.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call him, anyway he won't come.

Cremation is my final hope for a smoking-hot body.

What's the last thing in a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 100 mph?
It's behind.

What's worse than biting an apple and then discovering a worm?
Biting the apple, then discovering half a worm.

When ordering dinner at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepared their chicken.
He explained.
"We just tell them they're going to die."

An apple a day keeps the doctor away only if you throw it hard enough.

Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where their home is.

Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous.
It's nice to see new faces here today!

Why can't you have a book on how to commit suicide in a library?
Because you wouldn't return it back.

What makes sad people jump?
Bridges.

I don't have any carbon footprint.
I drive everywhere.

I wished to die, but then I got a job.
Now I want to pass out.

What do you call a bacterial disease that is caused by two grizzlies?
Twobearculosis.

My doctor told me to stop eating red meat,
so now I dye it orange.

Why are overweight babysitters an awful idea?
The babies always get crushed when they sit on them.

How do you stop a baby from choking?
Let go of his neck.

When I see the lovers' names written on a tree, I don't find it romantic or cute.
I find it weird how people would take knives on their dates.

I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

A dark joke is like food,
which many people don't get.

If you think I am joking about Alzheimer's,
forget it.

Where did Lucy go during the bombing?
Everywhere.

It's important to have a perfect vocabulary.
If I had known to distinguish between anecdote and antidote, one of my good friends would still be alive.

You're not useless.
You can always be used as a bad example.

I have jokes about unemployed people,
but sadly, none work.

What did the frog say at his puppeteer's funeral?
Not a word.

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

The Dead Baker

Why couldn't the police identify the dead baker?
He was a John Dough!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

7 Short Jokes for Your Weekend Chuckle Fest

After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains. A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You can't do that here!"
I said "Why not?"
He said "You have to cremate him first!"

What has 2 buts and kills people?
An assassin

Why did the vegan cross the road?
Ti tell someone they're a vegan!

I helped my neighbour this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you."
I couldn't believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!

I made a pencil with an eraser on each end.
It was pointless.

I was out drinking with my mates at a party last night, when I suddenly looked at my phone and noticed 18 missed calls from my wife.
Is she insecure or what?
That's an average of 6 calls a day!

What do you call it when you get a rash from nickel?
Metallurgy

Image credit Pointless pencils

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Love Me After Marriage

A married couple were quarreling.
Wife: You said you would love me more after marriage?
Husband: I did, but I didn't think you would say yes.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

Just Say We're Busy

The psychiatrist pulls the new nurse to the side.
"Is something wrong, Doctor?" she asks.
The psychiatrist takes a moment before answering, "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Dentist's Office

Why wouldn't the dentist display his awards?
He wanted to prevent plaque buildup.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Jokes Archive

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