Best New JokesThe best jokes in the last four weeks. Top 25 jokes rated by site visitors. |
All the Beer You Can Drink for $1
A guy is walking around town when he sees a bar with a sign advertising "All the Beer You Can Drink for $1!"He thinks that's a great deal so he goes in, sits down, hands the bartender a dollar, and asks for a beer.
"Sure, right away" says the bartender as he pulls out a tiny shot glass and fills it up halfway.
The man is stunned. "What the hell is this?" he asks.
"That's all the beer you can drink for $1."
A man is at the airport counter checking in his luggage...
A man is at the airport counter checking in his luggage.The man said to the agent, "I'm flying to Los Angeles but I would like this bag to go to Portland, this one to Albuquerque, and this one to Sioux Falls."
The agent looked suitably shocked and said, "Sir, there is no way we can do that."
"Why not?", replied the man, "You did it last time".
A guy dies and goes to heaven
A guy dies and goes to heaven.He looks around and sees clocks.
He asks St. Peter, "What are all these clocks for?"
He replies "OH, those are lie clocks, everytime you lie the hands move."
"Whose is that?"
"Mother Teresa's. Its never moved."
"How about that one?"
"Oh, thats Abe Lincoln's. Its moved a bit."
The man thinks awhile and asks,"What about [insert politician here]'s clock?"
"Oh that ones in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Frank Sinatra
A guy walked into the restroom at a restaurant in LA, and realized that the guy at the sink washing his hands was Frank Sinatra. He greeted Frank, and told him he was a huge fan. Frank smiled and thanked him. Then he told Frank he was with a date and wanted to impress her. Telling Frank his name was Bob, he asked Frank if he could come and greet him by name at his table. "No problem" said Frank and he went back to his table.About ten minutes later Frank walked up to the table and said, "Hey Bob, long time no see."
Without looking up, Bob said, "Fuck off Frankie, can't you see I'm busy?"
A car gets pulled over for inspection because...
A car gets pulled over for inspection because it's driving very slow on the interstate.officer: ma'am, do you know how slow you were driving
woman: 25mph
officer: why were you driving so slow?
the woman: slow? There are signs everywhere that say I-25, so I was driving that speed.
officer: that's not a speed sign, it's the identification number of the interstate. license and registration, please.
As the driver reaches for the glove compartment, the officer sees the passenger sitting there, pale and shivering.
officer: are you okay? what's the problem?
passenger: we just got off the US-160
A lawyer, sitting next to blonde on a long flight, was pestering her to play a game...
A lawyer, sitting next to blonde on a long flight, was pestering her to play a game 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa.'The blonde politely declined and tried to get some sleep. The lawyer made another offer: 'Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $1000' The blonde agreed.
The lawyer asked the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?'
The blonde silently reached into her purse, pulled out a five-dollar bill, and handed it to the lawyer. Then she asked the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' And went back to sleep
The lawyer did research on his iPhone, called his buddies etc, all to no avail. After over an hour, he gave up. He woke the blonde up and handed her $1000 and asked 'Well, so what is the answer?'
Again, without a word, the blonde reached into her purse, handed the lawyer $5, and went back to sleep.
man overseas fighting a war
While a man was overseas fighting a war he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.
To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.
In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).
He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
Lizard Jokes - to celebrate World Lizard Day
August 14th is World Lizard Day. Get involved with celebrating World Lizard Day by sharing some Lizard jokes
I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn’t stop telling dad jokes.
That’s not a lizard, the store clerk told me.
That’s a stand-up chameleon
I saw a lizard ...
and it became a spotted lizard
What do lizards like to eat with their hamburgers?
French flies
Why did the lizard go on a diet?
Because it was overweight according to its scales.
What do lizards put on their kitchen floors?
Rep-tiles
What is a reptile’s favorite movie?
The Lizard of Oz
What’s a lizard’s favorite sport?
Cricket.
What did the mom chameleon say to her nervous kid on the first day of school?
“Don’t worry, you’ll blend right in!”
Why are lizards so mean and selfish?
Because they are too cold-blooded.
What is a gecko who knows magic called?
A: A Lizard Wizard.
A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.
Walks into a bar
He goes up to the barman and says:
I'll have a pint please and a gin and tonic for Tiny here
The barman starts making the drinks and asks
Why do you call him Tiny?
The guy says:
Because he's my newt.
Upgraded bathroom
A guy wakes up with a massive hangover and stumbles into the kitchen, where he finds his wife.
“Hey, honey, did you upgrade the bathroom?” he asks.
“Why do you ask?” she replies, curious.
“Well, I opened the bathroom door, the light turned on by itself, and a cool breeze blew right into my face! It was amazing!”
His wife glares at him and says, “So you’re the idiot who pissed in the fridge last night!”
Top 15 jokes of the 2024 Edinburgh Fringe
I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it.
- Mark Simmons
I've been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don't feel like I'm progressing. It's just one step forward... two steps back.
- Alec Snook
Ate horse at a restaurant once - wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful.
- Alex Kitson
I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it.
- Arthur Smith
I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.
- Mark Simmons
My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes.
- Olaf Falafel
British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons?
- Chelsea Birkby
I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I've cracked it.
- Masai Graham
My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had.
- Zoë Coombs Marr
The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati.
- Olaf Falafel
I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’.
- Sarah Keyworth
I've got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I'd never bought her that vineyard.
- Roger Swift
Gay people are very bad at maths. We don't naturally multiply.
- Lou Wall
Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher.
- Sophie Duker
Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people.
- Olga Koch
A man walks into a bar and orders a free drink
The bartender says "Sorry mate, you have to pay up. I can't just serve a free drink The man then whispers "I have a 10 inch pianist in my pocket, and he can play a little jig for you. If I can prove that, can I get the drink then?"
The bartender ponders, but then agrees. The man pulls out the pianist, and he plays "The Entertainer" before hopping back in the man's pocket. Baffled, the bartender gives him the promised free drink.
The man whispered "I also have a magic Genie, who was the one that gave me this pianist. If I let him grant you one wish, can I get another free drink?"
The bartender, already in shock over the tiny piano man in his pocket, agrees. The man pulls out a lamp, and out comes a Genie, ready to grant wishes.
The bartender exclaims "I want a million bucks!" And all of a sudden, a million ducks enter the bar.
"Ducks?! I didn't want ducks!" The bartender shouts. The man looks at him, dead in the eyes and says "You think I wanted a 10 inch pianist?"
I was standing at the bar in an International Airport when ...
I was standing at the bar in an International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"He says "No, why the fuck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."
A tale of two titties!
A couple had been married for 50 years.They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
A man walks into a bar and says - 4 drinks please
The Bartender asks "Rough day?", the man replies "Yeah, I just found out that my brother is gay", the Bartender says "Well everyone has their own path".The next day the man walks into the bar again and says "4 drinks please", the Bartender asks "Another rough day?", the man replies "Yeah, I just found out that my oldest son is gay", the Bartender says "Well that's his choice".
On the third day, the man walks into the bar again and says "4 drinks please", the Bartender says "My god, another rough day?", the man replies "Yeah, I just found out that my youngest son is gay", the Bartender says "It's totally up to him who he's attracted to".
The fourth day comes around, and the man walks into the bar again and says "4 drinks please", the Bartender asks "Doesn't anyone in your family like Women?", the man replies
"Yeah, my Wife does."
Most guys have a fantasy of having sex with 2 women at once...
Most guys have a fantasy of having sex with 2 women at once...I have fantasy's of having sex with 1 woman twice.
A man goes to confess and admits to committing all 7 deadly sins in a single day
He confesses, "I was trying to save up for my dream house, but someone bought it before I could. I got so furious and jealous that I disguised myself as a utility worker and went to his place while he was at work. I ended up seducing his wife, and while she was in the shower, I took all the cash and jewelry I could find. Then I raided the pantry, ate everything in sight, and took naps on and off until just before he came home."The priest asks, "And what about Pride? You seem to have left that one out."
The man replies, "Oh no, I'm very, very proud of myself!"
That wife of mine is a liar
That wife of mine is a liar said the angry husband to a sympathetic palseated next to him in the bar."How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'dbeen, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?"
"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
A colonel is standing by a vending machine
A private walks past and the colonel says "Say there, soldier, do you have four quarters for a dollar?""Sure thing, dude, gimme a moment," says the private.
"DUDE?!" yells the colonel. "Do you not see the gold leaf on my shoulder? Stand to attention when you talk to me and address me according to my rank!"
"SIR YES SIR!" replies the private, coming promptly to attention.
"That's better, soldier. Now, as I was saying -- do you happen to have four quarters for a dollar?"
"SIR I DO NOT SIR!" yells the private.
