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Best New Jokes

The best jokes in the last two weeks. Top 20 jokes rated by site visitors.
  • Currently 9.54/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (114043)

Why does Ariel wear seashells ... and few more new jokes

Daughter: "dad, why does Ariel wear seashells"
Dad: "because b-shells are too small and d-shells are too big"

A police officer just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs are chasing people on bikes.
That's ridiculous, because my dogs don't even own bikes.

In the past, your last name often reflected your profession.
Tailors - taylor, Blacksmith - Smith, ect.
So what the heck was a Dickinson?

Wife asked, "Can you get some bleach, washing powder and some shake and vac while you're out?"
"Can you not wait until you’ve opened your Birthday presents tomorrow?"

Had a look on a dating site. Possible match, similar interests, described herself as 5 ft 3 blue eyes, blonde hair…
Not sure I want to date someone with 3 blue eyes though!

I hate when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.
It’s not like I did anything.

#joke #blonde #short
Joke | Source: John Chris - Funny jokes collected from all around
  • Currently 9.55/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (11)

Re-Marry My Ex-Wife

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife…
But she figured out I was only after my money!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.38/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (8)

Happy Monday! Check out new jokes!

I did my first nude painting yesterday.
The neighbors weren't happy but the front door looks great!

Man walks into an ancient Greek tailors with a pair of ripped trousers.
Tailor says, "Euripides?"
Man says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"

I asked my wife, "Do you know a three letter word for 'eggs'?"
Her: It's ova.
Me: Why? Is it because I'm terrible at crosswords?

If I'm reading their lips correctly …
My neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

I married my wife for her looks.
Though not the ones she been giving me lately.

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

English lesson…

Tsunami
T is silent

Psychology
P is silent

Knife
K is silent

Honest
H is silent

Wife
Husband is silent

#joke #monday #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 9.29/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (7)

Speed Read Recipes

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction...
I read to the end and say, "Well, that's not going to happen."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.29/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (7)

FLEX WORDLE

FLEX WORDLE Guess the WORDLE in 3 tries. After each guess, the color of the tiles will change to show how close your guess was to the solution.
Source: Genius Brain Teasers - Jokes Of The Day Partner

Few short jokes for quick laugh

I entered a palindrome contest.
I got top spot.

I recently tried to write a book on plants
It was too difficult.
I should have used paper.

4 years ago today I married my best friend…
My wife still hasn't forgiven me but me and Dave were drunk at the time and thought it was hilarious!

A bossy man goes into a bar.
He orders everyone a round.

#joke
Joke | Source: John Chris - Funny jokes collected from all around
  • Currently 9.29/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (7)

12 pirate jokes

1. Why is pirating so addictive?
Because once you lose yer first hand, you get hooked!

2. Why don't pirates shower before they walk the plank?
Because they'll wash up on shore later.

3. How do you save a dying pirate?
You give him CPARRRRR.

4. What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea?
He got marooned.

5. Why do pirates suck at card games?
Because they always stand on the deck.

6. What did the pirate wear on Halloween?
A pumpkin patch.

7. A pirate goes to the doctor to have the spots on his arm examined. The doctor says: "They're benign."
The pirate replies: "No, no, doc, there be 11. I counted them before I came here."

8. Why'd the pirate go to the Apple store?
He needed a new iPatch!

9. Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where ye left him.

10. What do ye call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
A rookie.

11. What do you call a pirate with no arms and no legs?
An expert.

12. What does a vegan pirate have on its shoulder?
A carrot!

#joke #doctor #halloween #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 9.17/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (6)

Monday is easier with funny jokes

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar...
Followed by Batman!

A man came to my door asking if I wanted to buy two armchairs and a sofa.
I told him I never accept suites from strangers!

I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poo your pants…
But he's still making fun of me!

Scientists have invented a car that runs on parsley…
They hope to use this technology to make trains run on thyme!

My dad quit his job to pursue his dream in archeology
His career is now in ruins.

What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 500 years

What’s the difference between good archeology jokes and bad archeology jokes?
It depends on how deep it goes.

I misunderstood pride month…
Would anyone like to buy 15 lions?

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 9.17/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (6)

Retaking exam

Four college students missed an important exam, choosing to party instead. They go together to their professor the next day, and said, "We're sorry we missed the exam. We had a flat tire on the way to class. Is there any way we could possibly take a re-test?"

"Sure," replied the professor. "Come on in tomorrow, and you can all take a retest. But remember, it's a pass or fail."

The four students arrived the next day to take the retest, and all of them sat down in their seats. Before handing them their exams, their professor told them, "I've got good news and bad news. The good part is, there's only one question on the test. The bad news is, if any of you fail, you all fail the test."

The students sat there, a bit worried from this professor's strange introduction to the exam. Then the professor handed out the four exams, and each student stared down at their papers, which contained just one simple question:

"Which tire was it?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

Everything rhymes

A hillbilly father is sitting on his porch, shotgun in hand as his three daughters are about to start dating.

The first boy comes up the steps and says to him : "Hi I'm Eddy, I'm her for Betty, we're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"

The father looks at the harmless boy and yells up "Betty your date's here," and the two take off for the restaurant.

The second boy then comes up the steps and says to him: "Hi I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?"

The father looks at the harmless boy and yells up "Flo, your date's here," and the two take off for the movie theater.

The third boy then comes up the steps. "Hi I'm Rex" BLAM!!!

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

Build Me Up

Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition...
And finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

Marriage jokes, and few more fresh ones

There are 3 rings in a marriage...
Engagement ring...
Wedding ring...
Suffer ring!

Why would you want to marry a geologist?
They'll make your bed rock.

My wife told me that none of my bee jokes are funny.
I told her that really stung.

Monk goes to heaven and is studying in the Library. Suddenly he screams with grief and rage.
"It says celebrate!"

What do you call someone who only believes in 12.5% of the bible?
An eighth-theist.

A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C.
Everyone said he was crazy,
but he was 0K.

Why aren't koalas considered bears?
They don't have the koalafications

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.75/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

8 new jokes for Happy Friday

1. A guy tried to tell me about a tool that makes holes in hard materials, but I stopped him.
I know the drill.

2. Never fall in love with a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.

3. Why did the cows keep returning to the field of marijuana?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.

4. 5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants
Now they're tenants

5. What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?
An Uber.

6. How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?
They know what grams are.

7. A man sees his buddy carrying a box.
"What's that?" he ask.
"Oh, I got a case of beer for my wife."
Man nods sagely, "Good trade."

8. Interviewer: Would you mind explaining this 4-year gap on your resume?
Me: I went to Yale during this time period.
Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired!
Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!

4. 5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants
Now they're tenants

5. What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?
An Uber.

6. How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?
They know what grams are.

7. A man sees his buddy carrying a box.
"What's that?" he ask.
"Oh, I got a case of beer for my wife."
Man nods sagely, "Good trade."

8. Interviewer: Would you mind explaining this 4-year gap on your resume?
Me: I went to Yale during this time period.
Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired!
Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!

#joke #friday #beer
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

The Roman Emperor Who Never Aged

There was a Roman emperor who never aged after he turned 19...
His name was Constant-Teen.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

Tom Hanks Memoir

When Tom Hanks writes his memoir it should be called...
"T. Hanks - For the Memories"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

That's What It Stands For

Son: “Mom, can I have $20?”
Mom: “Does it look like I am made of money?”
Son: “Well, isn't that what M-O-M stands for?”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Which Way?

Geography teacher asked if I could name a country with no 'R' in it.
I said, "No way!"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

Remain In Your Seats

My first apartment was so close to the Airport...
That every time I went to the kitchen to make a brew and a sandwich, the stewardess told me to get back to my seat.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Sweeney Todd

Barber Sweeney Todd never killed anyone.
Those are just vicious groomers.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

I'm sick of vegans

I'm sick of vegans interrogating me about my eating habits.
It's like the Spinach Inquisition!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

In pagan times

In pagan times, the sacrifice of unwed maidens was a grim die-virgin.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

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