Best New JokesThe best jokes in the last four weeks. Top 25 jokes rated by site visitors. |
Sally's Report Card
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
Patience off of the Green
The nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the emergency room where another golfer, who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated by a doctor.
"Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.
"No," replied the man. "It's my ball."
True Happiness
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you!"
Beautiful Daughter
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
Bar Joke
A scotsman, an englishman and an irishman walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this?
Some kind of a joke?"
Working From Home
Yesterday I saw my neighbor kicking in his own door...
Turns out he's a burglar who started working from home.
Photographic Evidence
A customer walked up to my bank window and asked me to cash a check.
“Of course,” I said. “But I’ll need to see ID.”
She dug though her purse and handed me a snapshot.
“That’s me in the middle,” she said.
New Beer’s Eve Jokes: Kick Off the Brew Before the Big Day
New Beer’s Eve Beer Jokes: Celebrate on April 6th—the unofficial pre-party to National Beer Day on April 7th—with a frothy collection of witty beer jokes to tickle your funny bone and lift your spirits.
Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of a group of grains
that could have become beer but didn't.
How can you show that you're planning for the future?
Buy 2 cases of beer instead of 1.
Why does Corona go through your system so fast?
Because it does not have to stop to change color.
When I drink water
it has to be filtered through a brewery first.
If you take the word "milk"
and change only four letters,
you get "beer."
Dinosaurs had no beer
how did that work out?
For more laughs and brew-tiful humor, see more beer jokes.
You can't buy happiness,but you can buy beer
that's kind of the same thing.
I ran twice today...
first I ran out of beer...
then I ran to get some more.
How can you show that you're planning for the future?
Buy 2 cases of beer instead of 1.
Why does Corona go through your system so fast?
Because it does not have to stop to change color.
Beer is made from hops.
Hops are plants.
Therefore beer = salad.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking,
so now I drink in front of a mirror.
Beer:
Because no great story ever started with someone eating a salad.
Peanut Butter and Jelly Day Jokes
Happy National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day! Celebrate April 2, 2025 with some deliciously nutty jokes:
Why did the peanut butter break up with the jelly?
Because it felt smothered!
What’s a peanut butter and jelly sandwich’s favorite type of music?
Smooth jams.
Why did the PB&J go to therapy?
They had a lot of spread-out issues.
What did the bread say after the PB&J got together?
“You two are really my jam!”
Want more puns? Check out this hilarious list of peanut butter puns.
Why did the peanut butter apply for a job?
It wanted to spread its skills.
What do you call jelly that’s always in a rush?
Jam-packed!
Why don’t peanut butter and jelly ever get into arguments?
Because they always stick together.
Here’s another funny one: The Peanut Butter Rooster.
What’s a jelly’s favorite pickup line?
“Are you toast? ‘Cause I want to be on you.”
What did the grape jelly say to the peanut butter at the party?
“Let’s jam!”
Why did the PB&J sandwich go to school?
To become a little smarter and more well-bread!
🥕 Carrot Day Jokes – 10 Crunchy Laughs for April 4th!
April 4th is International Carrot Day, and we're celebrating the funniest root in the veggie patch! Whether you're a fan of puns or just here for the laughs, these carrot jokes will have you peeling with laughter.
Why do sailors eat so many carrots?It helps them sea better!
Why was the programmer eating carrots?
So that they could C#!
How do carrots pay their bills?
With celery.
Check out some older carrot jokes 🥕
Why did the carrot go to therapy?
It had too many deep-rooted issues.
What did the carrot say during a job interview?
“I’m very well-rounded and great with stew-dents.”
How do you make gold soup?
Put 24 carrots in it! Why was the carrot a terrible musician?
Because it always lost its beat in the stew.
What did the baby carrot say after a long day?
"I'm totally steamed."
What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?
Get out of my face!
How do carrots stay fit?
They do carrot-te.
