Best New Jokes

Why does Ariel wear seashells ... and few more new jokes

Daughter: "dad, why does Ariel wear seashells"
Dad: "because b-shells are too small and d-shells are too big"

A police officer just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs are chasing people on bikes.
That's ridiculous, because my dogs don't even own bikes.

In the past, your last name often reflected your profession.
Tailors - taylor, Blacksmith - Smith, ect.
So what the heck was a Dickinson?

Wife asked, "Can you get some bleach, washing powder and some shake and vac while you're out?"
"Can you not wait until you’ve opened your Birthday presents tomorrow?"

Had a look on a dating site. Possible match, similar interests, described herself as 5 ft 3 blue eyes, blonde hair…
Not sure I want to date someone with 3 blue eyes though!

I hate when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.
It’s not like I did anything.

Re-Marry My Ex-Wife

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife…
But she figured out I was only after my money!

Happy Monday! Check out new jokes!

I did my first nude painting yesterday.
The neighbors weren't happy but the front door looks great!

Man walks into an ancient Greek tailors with a pair of ripped trousers.
Tailor says, "Euripides?"
Man says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"

If I'm reading their lips correctly …
My neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

I married my wife for her looks.
Though not the ones she been giving me lately.

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

English lesson…

Tsunami
T is silent

Psychology
P is silent

Knife
K is silent

Honest
H is silent

Wife
Husband is silent

Speed Read Recipes

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction...
I read to the end and say, "Well, that's not going to happen."

New short Jokes to start day with laugh

My local supermarket is exchanging old novels for certain root vegetables.
That's a turnip for the books.

Apparently you can’t use beefstew as a password…
It ain’t stroganoff!

Someone stole my broken calculator, but I don't know why.
It just doesn't add up.

When I was a boy, "The Jetsons" gave me unrealistic expectations about the future
. . . like having a job, a loving family, and a dog.

Not to brag but I made six figures last year
I was also named worst employee at the toy factory

A guy walks into a bar and people start lining up to punch him
Yeah that’s the punchline

How do you get a one armed man out of a tree?
Wave!

Happy Friday with fresh new jokes

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.

A traveling salesman offered me a deal on a coffin
I told him that's the last thing I need

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?"

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

Yesterday, I farted in the Apple Store and everyone got upset at me.
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows…

San Francisco isn't just funny,
It's hill areas.

12 pirate jokes

1. Why is pirating so addictive?
Because once you lose yer first hand, you get hooked!

2. Why don't pirates shower before they walk the plank?
Because they'll wash up on shore later.

3. How do you save a dying pirate?
You give him CPARRRRR.

4. What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea?
He got marooned.

5. Why do pirates suck at card games?
Because they always stand on the deck.

6. What did the pirate wear on Halloween?
A pumpkin patch.

7. A pirate goes to the doctor to have the spots on his arm examined. The doctor says: "They're benign."
The pirate replies: "No, no, doc, there be 11. I counted them before I came here."

8. Why'd the pirate go to the Apple store?
He needed a new iPatch!

9. Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where ye left him.

10. What do ye call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
A rookie.

11. What do you call a pirate with no arms and no legs?
An expert.

12. What does a vegan pirate have on its shoulder?
A carrot!

Monday is easier with funny jokes

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar...
Followed by Batman!

A man came to my door asking if I wanted to buy two armchairs and a sofa.
I told him I never accept suites from strangers!

I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poo your pants…
But he's still making fun of me!

Scientists have invented a car that runs on parsley…
They hope to use this technology to make trains run on thyme!

My dad quit his job to pursue his dream in archeology
His career is now in ruins.

What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 500 years

What’s the difference between good archeology jokes and bad archeology jokes?
It depends on how deep it goes.

I misunderstood pride month…
Would anyone like to buy 15 lions?

Retaking exam

Four college students missed an important exam, choosing to party instead. They go together to their professor the next day, and said, "We're sorry we missed the exam. We had a flat tire on the way to class. Is there any way we could possibly take a re-test?"

"Sure," replied the professor. "Come on in tomorrow, and you can all take a retest. But remember, it's a pass or fail."

The four students arrived the next day to take the retest, and all of them sat down in their seats. Before handing them their exams, their professor told them, "I've got good news and bad news. The good part is, there's only one question on the test. The bad news is, if any of you fail, you all fail the test."

The students sat there, a bit worried from this professor's strange introduction to the exam. Then the professor handed out the four exams, and each student stared down at their papers, which contained just one simple question:

"Which tire was it?"

Marriage jokes, and few more fresh ones

There are 3 rings in a marriage...
Engagement ring...
Wedding ring...
Suffer ring!

Why would you want to marry a geologist?
They'll make your bed rock.

My wife told me that none of my bee jokes are funny.
I told her that really stung.

Monk goes to heaven and is studying in the Library. Suddenly he screams with grief and rage.
"It says celebrate!"

What do you call someone who only believes in 12.5% of the bible?
An eighth-theist.

A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C.
Everyone said he was crazy,
but he was 0K.

Why aren't koalas considered bears?
They don't have the koalafications

That's What It Stands For

Son: “Mom, can I have $20?”
Mom: “Does it look like I am made of money?”
Son: “Well, isn't that what M-O-M stands for?”

8 new jokes for Happy Friday

1. A guy tried to tell me about a tool that makes holes in hard materials, but I stopped him.
I know the drill.

2. Never fall in love with a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.

3. Why did the cows keep returning to the field of marijuana?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.

4. 5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants
Now they're tenants

5. What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?
An Uber.

6. How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?
They know what grams are.

7. A man sees his buddy carrying a box.
"What's that?" he ask.
"Oh, I got a case of beer for my wife."
Man nods sagely, "Good trade."

8. Interviewer: Would you mind explaining this 4-year gap on your resume?
Me: I went to Yale during this time period.
Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired!
Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!

4. 5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants
Now they're tenants

5. What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?
An Uber.

6. How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?
They know what grams are.

7. A man sees his buddy carrying a box.
"What's that?" he ask.
"Oh, I got a case of beer for my wife."
Man nods sagely, "Good trade."

8. Interviewer: Would you mind explaining this 4-year gap on your resume?
Me: I went to Yale during this time period.
Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired!
Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!

The Roman Emperor Who Never Aged

There was a Roman emperor who never aged after he turned 19...
His name was Constant-Teen.

Pulling On A Chain

Guy walks into bar, pulling on a long chain.
The bartender asks him, "You come in here everyday pulling that chain, why?"
The guy replies, "You ever tried to push one?"

Happy Thursday with fresh new jokes

As a child, I was forced to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.

Where does a horse go when it gets sick?
To the horse-pital

Global warming will kill every single person on this planet
It's a good thing I'm married.

I asked my wife, "Do you think the cup is half full or half empty?"
She said, "Please for the love of God, could you stop wearing my bras!"

I answered the door this morning.
A 6ft beetle punched me in the face and called me a fat twat...
Apparently there's a nasty bug going round

What a day! The police came around and accused me of stealing my neighbours underwear...
I nearly shit her pants!

Police investigation

A lady dies and the police finds out she was the madam at an illegal brothel They find her black book of workers and clients so they assign Bill, an older, widowed detective to talk to the women to find out more about the operation. They figure as an older man Bill won't be as enticed as younger detectives by the pretty young women.

A few weeks into the investigation Bill goes to his supervisor and says he needs to be relieved of the case because of a conflict of interest. The supervisor asks what he means.

"Well," Bill says, "All was going well and I was getting good info from the girls, but then the last woman in the book was Cindy, a sweet, beautiful and funny 59 year old. We met a couple of times and to make a long story short, we started dating and have now become an item."

The supervisor looks at Bill and says "I can't believe it Bill. Thirty eight years on the job, 2 years away from retirement, and you fell for the oldest trick in the book."

Which Way?

Geography teacher asked if I could name a country with no 'R' in it.
I said, "No way!"

The Skydiving Instructor

I went skydiving today for the first time.
This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane.
As we plummeted he said, "So how long have you been an instructor?"

Remain In Your Seats

My first apartment was so close to the Airport...
That every time I went to the kitchen to make a brew and a sandwich, the stewardess told me to get back to my seat.

Sweeney Todd